


What Makes a Family

by momentsintimex



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Adoption, Brotherly Bonding, Brothers, Family Bonding, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, learning to live together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:42:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 85,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24896380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/momentsintimex/pseuds/momentsintimex
Summary: Oneshots of the Jensens navigate learning to live their lives as a family of four.
Relationships: Justin Foley & Clay Jensen, Justin Foley & Lainie Jensen, Justin Foley & Matt Jensen, Justin Foley & The Jensens
Comments: 325
Kudos: 359





	1. Dinner

“I want to help make dinner tonight.”

The request startles the rest of the Jensens, who look up at Justin to find that he’s wearing an expectant smile on his face. 

“I’m not like… hopeless in the kitchen or anything,” He offers when he’s not met with any sort of response, taking another bite of his cereal. “I’m going to need help though.”

Matt smiles, looking between his wife and Clay before turning back to Justin. “Did you have anything in mind for what you wanted to cook?”

Justin shakes his head. “I just want to help? I’ve cooked chicken dishes before, if that helps,” He shrugs. Lainie watches Justin sag his shoulders, leaning back in the chair. “Or I don’t have to, I don’t know.”

“We’ll make a chicken dish tonight, then,” Matt announces, clapping his hands together. “I have the perfect one in mind. One that isn’t too difficult, but we’ll have to go to the store and get some ingredients. Would you like to come with me?”

Justin nods, finishing off the rest of his cereal and putting his bowl in the dishwasher, announcing that he was going to go get changed.

“You’re not seriously going to let him cook, are you?” Clay asks, staring at his father. 

Matt gives him a broad smile, standing up from the table to begin cleaning up the mess he made. “I’ll be supervising him the whole time. He’ll be fine, and if this is something he wants to do, I hardly think it’s something we need deny him of.”

Clay opens his mouth, then turns back to Lainie. “Mom, come on. You know as well as I do that Justin is going to fuck this up, right?”

Lainie pauses, chewing on her lip. “I think we need to be supportive of your brother, Clay,” She decides. “Dad will help him, and I’ll sit here and supervise the both of them.”

Clay rolls his eyes, placing his plate in the sink and retreating to the outhouse without another word.

—

Lainie brings her laptop into the kitchen, half reading through her emails and half listening to Matt and Justin review the recipe set out in front of them. Clay joins her, working on homework, but is more distracted by his brother and his eagerness to start measuring out ingredients and get the cutting boards out before they were ready.

Lainie had discreetly moved the first aid kit to the kitchen while Matt and Justin were at the store, sticking it in the storage cabinet, just in case. It’s not that she didn’t trust Justin — she had no reason not to — but he was reckless at times and not exactly the most graceful person, and so she thinks it can be forgiven if she doesn’t have much hope for him not to hurt himself.

Matt gives him the task of mixing the seasoning, which is easy enough. Justin has a smile on his face, shoulder to shoulder with Matt as they measure out the ingredients and place them into a larger bowl, carefully seasoning the chicken when ready.

Lainie is reminded of when Clay was younger and he’d pull up the chair next to Matt, pouring out the ingredients, laughing as his father would play games or let him be involved as often as possible. He was so young, so naive, and those dinner making dates were the highlights of Clay’s evenings when they would happen.

Justin is 17, so much different than Clay ever was or has been, but it feels like one of those moments from all those years ago. Justin had waited 17 years for the love and stability of a family, and she quickly realizes that she would sit through a thousand more social worker meetings and court hearings and custody agreement debates if it meant she got to give him a million more moments like these.

Matt tasks him with cutting the vegetables, leading him to the table and setting a cutting board in front of him. “I’m going to finish off the chicken and get that ready to go in the oven. Are you able to handle the vegetables?”

“Yeah,” Justin nods, grabbing the knife and beginning to cut down carefully, tongue poking out of the corner of his mouth. 

Clay watches, winces, and then stands up from the table. “As amusing as this was, I can't watch this disaster anymore. I’m going in the other room to read,” He announces, earning a shove from Justin on his way by as he leaves the room.

Lainie watches with a careful eye over the lip of her laptop, wincing when Justin mutters a curse under his breath, retracting his hand away quickly and shaking it in the air. “Justin…” She sighs, moving to stand up when Justin shakes his head frantically, setting the knife down.

“I’m almost done, it’s fine,” He says, holding his hand in his lap. “It’s just a nick, I’ll wash it. I’m fine, Lainie, we don’t have to worry about it. I can keep going.” 

Lainie sighs, meeting her husband’s gaze as she stands up. “Please wash it, but let me look at it before you go back to chopping anything, okay?”

Justin obliges, walking to the kitchen sink and hissing as he cleans out the cut, holding his hand out for Lainie to inspect the damage as she takes his hand carefully.

“Is this a stop making dinner and go get some stitches type of cut, or can he continue on?” Matt asks over his shoulder, amused when he finds his wife digging through the first aid kit for the ointment.

“He can continue on after I put the ointment on,” She responds after a minute, holding Justin’s hand as she dabs the ointment generously across the cut, apologizing when Justin hisses and tenses up. “I’ll just put a bandaid over it and he’ll be good to go.”

Justin nods, watching as Lainie places the bandaid on before going to sit back down. “Thanks, Lainie,” He smiles, catching Clay’s curious expression from the other room. “You can come back and join us, you know. You would’ve actually seen what happened to me then.”

“And watch you cut your finger off? I’m good,” Clay retorts, a wry smile on his face. “Mom, do you have the takeout menu ready? Because I don’t have much hope for the rest of the dinner.”

“Clay,” Lainie warns, smiling at her son before moving back to her work. 

Justin finishes chopping the vegetables. He goes faster with the knife, earns a warning from Lainie to take his time, and laughs when she falls for prank when he gasps and says that he cut himself again. “I’m fine, Lainie, I promise. It was a joke, it was a joke. I’m practically a professional.”

Lainie closes the lid to her laptop halfway, eyeing him. “I wouldn’t go that far. You’ve had your troubles today,” She smiles. “Is there any blood anywhere? On your fingers, on the cutting board. On the vegetables?”

“No blood anywhere,” He promises, standing up to bring the vegetables over to Matt, over exaggerating the fact that there’s no traces of blood. Matt nods in confirmation, taking the vegetables and spreading them out on a pan to roast them.

“Justin, can you grab another knife from the drawer and chop up the lettuce for the salad? I’ll wash the toppings and give them to you in a minute.”

Eager to help, Justin nods and walks over, pulling out the largest knife. Lainie stands up, trying to keep her cool, and rests her hand on Justin’s wrist. “What if you just set the table instead, honey?” She tries to redirect, chewing on her lip at the sight of the much larger knife in her son’s hand.

Justin turns to her with wide eyes, shaking his head. “I’m fine, Lainie! I’ll be super careful, I promise,” He argues. “Besides, Clay can set the table. He’s just spying on me hoping that I’ll ruin dinner.”

Lainie relents, nodding as she lets go of his wrist and watching as he moves back to the table to continue cutting things for the salad.

Clay rolls his eyes, pulling out silverware and plates, bringing them to the dining room before joining his mom back at the table. “If Justin’s going to ruin dinner, I guess I can stomach being front row for it.”

“Shut up,” Justin retorts, pointing the knife playfully at him. “This dinner is going to be the best dinner you’ve ever had.”

“Point the knife at your brother again and you’re done helping Matt with the rest of dinner,” Lainie reprimands, watching them. “Justin, you’re doing fine. Don’t ruin it by being reckless with an object that’s very sharp.”

“And Clay,” She continues, turning to her eldest. “Stop instigating your brother. He’s doing a nice thing, cooking dinner for us. You could learn a thing or two."

“Sorry,” Justin mutters, turning back to chopping up the salad and putting everything in their designated bowls. Clay follows suit, sinking back in the chair and watching Justin as he moves back to the stove to finish off the rest of dinner.

—

It doesn’t turn out to be a disaster.

For all the drama they went through in the preparations, dinner ends up being delicious. Justin sits proudly at his place at the table, relishing in the fact that Clay really can't think of anything mean to say.

“I hate to tell you this because it goes right to your head, but this dinner isn’t horrible, Justin,” Clay sighs, taking another bite. “Although Dad did most of the work.”

“Justin did more of the work than I did,” Matt smiles. “I merely supervised and made sure that everything made it into the oven.”

“I’m well on my way to being a professional chef. At least for this family,” Justin prides himself in, beaming.

Clay rolls his eyes, hiding his smile behind his fork. “Relax. You made one dish, that doesn’t deem you a professional.”

“It’s one more than you’ve made, so I think it kind of does,” Justin retorts. Lainie smiles at her boys, the playful jabs filling the conversation.

This is what they’ve missed out on, she thinks. They had loved having Clay as an only child, never really had second thoughts about their decisions to stop when they realized their careers would demand too much to have more than one, but they’re more than making up for it now. And it feels right to have another teenager in the house, albeit the worry that fills Lainie and Matt’s hearts for two boys now instead of one.

Clay was assigned dish duty, to which Justin mercifully helped, the two of them bunched together at the sink. Matt retreated to his office while Lainie worked in the living room listening to Clay get annoyed when Justin splashed water, and the lecture he gave when Justin insisted that the damp towel was fine, it was still getting the job done.

“You don’t need to keep reusing towels, Justin. We have plenty if they’re wet or dirty. Go get another from the cabinet,” Clay told him, kindly and completely different to their banter before. Lainie smiles, watches from the corner of her eye as Justin nods and retrieves a new towel, and reminds herself that they still have a ways to go.

Justin was adjusting well, but there was still so much he had to learn. Things that he had grown accustomed to in the environment he was brought up in.

She doesn’t hear the boys finish, but instead finds Clay walking by to go take a shower and Justin falling onto the sofa beside her, playing a game on his phone. 

“You did a great job today, honey,” She smiles, turning from her work. “I’m proud of you.”

Justin glances up from his phone, beaming. “Thanks. It was actually good?”

“It was amazing,” She says. “If you’d ever like to cook again, I’m sure Matt would be more than willing to help you.”

“Yeah, okay,” Justin nods. “Maybe we could try something different next time.”

Lainie nods, the silence falling over them once more. 

For all the difficult moments the family had been going through helping Justin transition to having a stable home and a loving family, this was a good day. They were happening more frequently, the glimpses of Justin’s personality and uninhabited need to feel useful around the house, and each day she felt more confident that they made the right decision to bring Justin into their home and lives.

There were always going to be difficult moments, adjustment periods they had yet to go through, but Lainie had confidence that it was only going to keep getting better from here.

She had a feeling the rest of her family felt the same way.


	2. Adoption.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Jensens make Justin an official part of the family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter has mentions of past sexual abuse. please don't read if you're not comfortable!

Justin has a scar just under his ear.

It’s a faint purple, indented, and spans just under the earlobe down to his jaw.

It’s one of the first things Lainie noticed about him the day they sat in the living room after Matt discovered him hiding in Clay’s room. She studied it further the night Justin sat down at the kitchen table with her and discussed the paperwork for the adoption proceedings.

She noticed it the same way she noticed the way he folded his fingers together when he spoke about something he was nervous or anxious about, or picked at his cuticles when he talked about the past abuse he dealt with in his home.

He never said how he got the scar. Lainie doesn’t think it’s important, she isn’t sure she really wants to know, but as they sit in the doctor’s office waiting room it’s all she notices.

He leans back in the chair, folds his fingers together in his lap, and sighs. “I’m really sorry for putting you through all of this,” He mumbles under his breath, eyes gazing to fish tank in the corner.

Lainie remembers Clay being mesmerized with the same tank when he was younger.

“Justin, honey, this is not an imposition,” She reminds him softly, hand twitching. “We want to be sure that you’re up to date on anything that you may need, and that we get you any sort of help that you may need. It’s not an inconvenience. _You’re_ not an inconvenience.”

Justin takes a breath, nodding, and shifts his attention from Lainie back to the fish tank.

There’s a beat of silence between them, and Lainie takes the moment to catch up on work emails on her phone.

“I think… could you stand outside the room? When they call me back,” Justin asks, tearing his gaze away from the fish tank to look back at Lainie. “Like, I don’t want you to be there for the exam, but. I think I want you close by. Just in case or whatever.”

Lainie gives him a small smile, nodding. She had been encouraging Justin to express his opinions, his wants, his needs since he arrived back from juvie. Most attempts had been unsuccessful, but this. This felt like a victory. “Of course, Justin. Whatever you need.”

And so when Justin’s name is called and he stands up to follow the nurse, Lainie follows, standing just outside the room as the door closes.

It’s quiet, save for the few babies down the hall crying through their shots. Lainie’s heart breaks, mind flashing back to when Clay was that small and she went through these moments with him.

She didn’t have those memories with Justin. She wasn’t sure that Justin even had someone to go through that with him when he was a baby either. All she has is the last six months of memories, filled with growth and trusting and development she was sure Justin didn’t have before.

She passes the time by looking up and refreshing her mind on the adoption proceedings, finalizing a few emails, mapping out the work she’d need to do tonight to make up for the afternoon she took off. She hears shuffling behind the door, a quick goodbye from the doctor, who closes the door and turns to face Lainie.

“Mrs. Jensen, you have a great son,” He begins, but the way he looks at her tells Lainie that there’s more. “But he has been through a lot of trauma.”

Lainie nods curtly. “Yes, Dr. Sing, we are working to choose the best therapists and work through the trauma in therapy.”

He nods, folding the file under his arm. “I understand, and I think it’s going to benefit him,” He says, pausing. “But Mrs. Jensen, there are… he has signs of physical trauma. And while it’s labeled in his file, I wanted to be sure that you knew.”

Lainie _did_ know. She knew too much, spending hours reading the case files from CPS, wondering how many things that happened to him weren’t in those files. She poured over them, studying every case, every broken bone. Every bruise, every mark left on her son that someone reported, someone desperately trying to make it stop for the boy who couldn’t advocate for himself.

She nods once more, standing up straighter. “We are aware of the abuse Justin has dealt with in the past. Do you — is there a specific instance we should be worried about?”

Dr. Sing remains stoic, shaking his head. “No, he looks to be healthy given the circumstances he’s lived through,” He says. Lainie lets out a sigh of relief, nodding. “He mentioned the programs for his addiction. As long as he stays on those, stays sober and listens to the counselors, I wouldn’t worry. But he’s going to need a lot of support.”

Lainie wanted to laugh. She wanted to scream at Dr. Sing, tell him that she worries about every little thing with Justin. She worries that when he walks out their front door to hang out with his friends, he won’t walk back through it.

She lays awake at night, fearing that he’s relapsed or he’s run away from home. That he doesn’t feel safe with them, that he feels like they’re going to hurt them. She worries for Justin in way she’s never had to worry for Clay, but she doesn’t think she can make Dr. Sing understand that.

“The nurse will be in shortly to give Justin a few shots so we can catch him up on his immunizations. It’s a pleasure seeing you, Mrs. Jensen,” He says, disappearing down the hall.

Lainie waits until Justin says it’s okay to come in before she opens the door, sitting down on the chair opposite the exam table. “Everything okay?”

Justin swings his legs, nodding. “I just —“ He begins, and then stops, staring at his lap. “I know I’ve shot up heroin so this is contradictory, but needles like — they’re not my favorite thing when I’m not in control.”

Lainie winces, chewing on the inside of her lip. “It’s only a few of them, and then we’ll be done,” She says quietly, watching him. “Maybe we stop for a milkshake on our way home?”  
“This close to dinner?” Justin asks. He looks up at her, amused. “You’re going to allow that?”

Lainie smiles. “I think I can make an exception. Just this once,” She says. “Milkshakes help Clay after shots.”

“Even now?"“Don’t you dare bring this up with him,” Lainie retorts, and suddenly they’re both laughing and Justin is at ease sitting on that table, and it feels normal.

Like what Lainie had wanted. What she’d been waiting for.

“Okay, yeah. We can go for milkshakes,” He says, and when the nurse comes in with a tray of needles, Justin no longer looks like the world is going to end.

—

In the late hours of the evening, long after Justin and Clay had retired back to the clubhouse and Lainie and Matt made their way to bed, Lainie reading through some briefs as Matt sits beside her thumbing through a book.

“How did the doctor go?” He asks absentmindedly.

Lainie pauses, looking over. “It went well. We caught him up on his immunizations and Dr. Sing seemed pleased with his progress otherwise,” She explains, glancing back at her husband. “Are we — did we move too quickly? Not involve him in the adoption process enough?’

Questions nagged the back of Lainie’s mind constantly. Worries that she could have done something different, something better. Made this all a little easier for Justin to handle when so many other things were moving in his life.

Matt, steady and unwavering as always, set his book down and shook his head. “It’s in Justin’s best interest that we move quickly with this. That we establish a stable home for him, work through the necessary steps to adopt him officially,” He says, hand reaching out for his wife’s. “We know that Amber Foley is not going to be able to meet her son’s needs. And that kid deserves a break.”

Lainie nods. “I just wish we could make him feel more comfortable. Show him that it’s all going to be okay.”

“He’ll understand,” Matt promises. “All we can do is show up for him every day, show him that we love him and we’re not leaving and he is never going to be asked to leave for messing up. We have to hope that with time, he starts to believe us.”

Lainie chooses to believe him, promptly kisses her husband goodnight, and settles down under the comforter.

She falls asleep praying that Justin feels safe in the outhouse with Clay.

—

Sometimes, in the quiet hours between his lectures, Matt Jensen pours over therapist reviews in the area.

Grief counselors. Addiction therapists. Cognitive behavioral therapists. Trauma therapists.

The information made his head spin. The format, what would qualify visiting one of these therapists, if Justin would even want to see any of them. He thought maybe he could entice Clay to at least start seeing Dr. Ellman again, but Justin…

Justin would probably be more resistant to any therapy.

He prints out the list he finalized after three days of reviews and in-depth analysis, presenting it to Lainie that evening after the boys retreat to the outhouse to work on their homework.

“I know it’s unlikely we’ll coerce him into meeting with all of these types of therapists, but, based on what he’s gone through, I think we need to look into one or two of them.”

Lainie taps her pen against the paper, chewing on her lip. “He has an addiction counselor,” She says absentmindedly. “But I think it’d be good for him to meet with a trauma therapist at the very least.”

She doesn’t have to specify the abuse. Matt knows. He can’t stomach to read the CPS file yet, but he's acutely aware in other ways.

He’s seen it in the way Justin flinches when he raises his voice. Or when he tenses if Matt moves towards him too quickly or without warning.

It’s getting better. But it’s still there, still prevalent. Still consuming Matt’s mind, constantly wondering what he can do to make it easier for this boy. _His_ boy.

He nods, circles a few options, and sets the pen back down. “Do we approach him? Ask him if he would like to talk to someone about what’s happened, about what he’s going through now?”

Lainie stares at the paper, turning back to him. “I don’t know,” She whispers.

Matt gets it. He understands his wife’s confusion, her apprehension about approaching what Justin needs without feeling like they’re pushing too hard or offering too much. Sensing his wife’s apprehension, her quiet demeanor, he takes the lead.

“I think we should talk to him alone, offer therapy should he want it, and stress that it’s entirely his decision and we’ll support whatever he’d like to do.”

Lainie reaches over, taking her husband’s hand, and squeezes.

They would figure this out together.

—

Offering therapy to Justin is met with mostly silence. Lainie details the different types of therapists, asks him if he’d be interested in learning more about any of them.

Justin shrugs, tapping his fingers against the dining room table. “I… I wouldn’t want you to go to all that trouble,” He says quietly. “This — what happened the last few months when I was homeless — it wasn’t anything new.”

Lainie frowns, folding her hands in her lap. “Justin, honey, that doesn’t make it any better,” She offers quietly. “You’ve been through more than any child should ever have to go through. And while Matt and I would love it if you wanted to talk to us, we know that you may feel better talking to someone who’s more qualified.”

Justin’s silent for a moment. He sits up a little straighter, runs his fingers through his hair, and takes a breath.

Lainie recognizes it as anxiety. She moves to put an end to the conversation, promises that they’ll revisit this later or whenever he was ready, but Justin looks back at her.

“I really appreciate it, honestly,” He says, eyes flicking between the two of them. “But I just… I don’t know that I’m ready to talk to someone. Or that I want to tell people everything that happened.” Justin takes another breath, his leg shaking. “There’s — a lot of what’s in my CPS file isn’t all that happened.”

Lainie frowns, hand reaching out to rest on Justin’s. He flinches, then relaxes into the touch.

Matt, sensing Justin needed a moment, mumbles that he’s going to make them all tea.

“You don’t have to talk about anything you’re not ready to talk about,” Lainie reassures Justin, squeezing his hand. “And we understand that not everything was reported. We are so sorry that no one protected you before, but you are safe here. You will always have a home here, okay? Always.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Jensen,” Justin says quietly. He blinks, and when he and Lainie both notice the tears clouding his eyes, neither say anything.

Sensing he needs a moment, Lainie intervenes. “I’m going to help Matt with the tea. You stay here for a few minutes?” She asks, waiting for Justin to nod before she stands.

“I was five,” He says quietly. His folds his hands in front of him, rubbing his thumb along his skin, and stares straight ahead. “My mom’s boyfriend. He’d… he would wait for my mom to fall asleep. And then he’d come into my room.”

Lainie stills, sitting back down in her seat, listening.

“He would just — he’d put his hands on me at first. And then he made me put his hands on him, and he’d… he’d be —“ He stops himself squeezing his eyes shut.

“Breathe,” Lainie says softly. “Deep breath, Justin.”

Justin nods, taking a deep breath, trying to relax. “He used to put his fingers in my mouth, and he’d… he’d jerk off.”

“Sweetheart,” Lainie says softly. “Can I hold your hand?”

Justin nods erratically, squeezing her hand when she places it in his. “That’s — that won’t be in my case file,” He says quietly. “Anything Seth’s done to me, it won’t be in my case file.”

“That’s okay,” Lainie says softly. “I’m proud of you. For feeling like you could tell me that. For talking about that now.”

“I’ve never told anyone,” He says. Lainie watches as he uses his free hand to push away tears. “I don’t — it was all my fault that that happened, if I just —“

“Justin,” Lainie says firmly. She moves closer, brushing her fingers through his hair. “Nothing that happened to you was your fault. Do you understand?” She asks. “It will _never_ be your fault.”

Justin’s lip wobbles, shaking his head quickly and squeezing his eyes shut. “If I would’ve just forced him off. If I would’ve told someone at school. If I locked my door.”

“Justin, look at me,” Lainie says. She takes his hand in both of hers, eyes filled with hurt and concern. “You were a _child_. It was not your job to protect yourself from abuse. It was not your fault that someone violated you in these ways.”

Justin uses his free hand, rubbing at his eyes. “But it was my fault when I was living on the streets, right?” He asks, staring back at their hands. “I agreed to do things for money, but they did more than we agreed. I could’ve stopped it then, I could’ve said no. I didn’t have to do any of it.”

“You were taken advantage of, Justin,” Lainie says. Her words are not accusing, not pointing blame or full of anger for Justin. She sounds heartbroken, like she wishes she could’ve stopped all of this from happening to him. “Those men that you encountered on the street violated you in ways that you weren’t okay with or that you agreed to. They took advantage of a child, Justin. You are not to blame for anything that has happened to you.”

“I could’ve stopped it,” Justin repeats, taking three quick shuddering breaths.

“Deep breath,” Lainie reminds him, coaching him through a few drawn out breaths. “You are not to blame, okay? You couldn’t have stopped it. And I will do anything that I can to help you realize this. We all will.”

Justin nods, letting his head fall as he composes himself. Lainie runs her thumb over his hand, shushes him quietly, and moves to comb through his hair.

He settles down, removes his hand from hers, and leans back in the chair. “We can look at therapists,” He whispers.

Lainie nods, promises him that they won’t push him to do anything he doesn’t want to do, and when Matt returns they don’t talk about it anymore.

Baby steps.

—

“Why are your parents so nice?”

Justin doesn’t mean for it to come out as accusatory. He doesn’t mean for it to sound harsh, or that he’s ungrateful for the help that they’re giving him, but Clay furrows his eyebrows and looks back at him, setting his homework down.

“Is this because Mom took you to talk with the trauma counselor today?” He asks, lips pressed into a thin line. “Or because she’s been catching you up on all of your doctors appointments or helping you prepare for the adoption hearings?” He pauses, watching Justin. “Or maybe it’s because my dad is going ridiculously over the top with the breakfasts lately.”

“Fuck, no. Jensen, that’s not why I asked,” Justin replies, exasperated. He falls onto his bed, staring up at the ceiling. “I just… why do they care so much? Finding therapists, speeding up the adoption proceedings just so we won’t have to worry about custody or my mom or whatever. I mean, fuck. I’m not worth all this trouble.”

“Well, first of all, you are,” Clay says. Matter of fact. “But second, they want to see you get better, Justin. You went through some fucked up shit. And they want to get you people who can help you get through that.”

“And what if I never do?” Justin asks. He turns to the side, staring at Clay. “What if I’m just fucked up for the rest of my life? I relapse, or all the fucked up shit just follows me around like a dark cloud. Then what?”

Clay takes a breath. “You’re still going to be their son. They’re still going to love you. They’re not going to kick you out or reverse the adoption or stop caring, if that’s what you’re asking me.”

Justin sighs, turning back to face the ceiling again. There’s a beat of silence, and then Clay speaks.

“If you’re looking for a sign to give up or not get your hopes up, you’re not going to get it. Not from any of us.” Justin hears him shift, moving to lay down on his own bed. “So stop fucking worrying. You’re stuck with us, Justin.”

Justin laughs. “Fuck you, Jensen.”

Clay knows he doesn’t mean it.

—

The courts can’t locate Amber Foley.

It’s not that Lainie is surprised when the news comes across her desk on a Friday morning. They hadn’t been able to locate her when Justin was in juvie, which is why the emergency custody agreements had been signed.

So finding her to have her terminate her parental rights seemed unlikely.

Justin shrugged when Lainie told him that evening, looking around the kitchen table to both she and Matt. “It makes all of this easier, right?” He asks, but she notices the sheen in his eyes, the way he swallows roughly. “Now the social worker can say that she’s not fit to take care of me.”

“We’ll keep looking for her,” Lainie offers, folding her hands. “And if you’d like to see her, Matt and I will work to facilitate that.”

Justin shakes his head, leaning back. “I’m good,” He shrugs. “It’s pretty clear she wants nothing to do with me, so I’m not going to worry about it.”

Lainie frowns, but manages to regain her composure. “The social worker will sign off that an attempt has been made to reach her, but attempts were unsuccessful,” She explains. “We’ll schedule a meeting with the judge and work to finalize the adoption as soon as possible.”

Justin nods, breathing. “So, how much longer until it’s finalized?”

“Hopefully in a few weeks,” She smiles. Justin thanks them both, slipping back out to the outhouse once Lainie says she has nothing else for him.

She gives herself a moment before standing up and filing the information away, making a note to bring this discussion up again in the future.

—

It’s a rainy day when the adoption hearing occurs, which Justin finds oddly fitting.

He can feel Clay watching him from his bed in his old room as he stands in front of the mirror tying his tie, fingers shaking as he starts over for the third time.

“Want me to do it for you?” Clay offers. He doesn’t make any attempts to move, but his face softens in sympathy.

“I got it,” Justin mumbles, taking a breath and starting over.

He’s successful this time, turning around and allowing Clay to fix it, making it perfect. “Today’s a big day, right?” He says to fill the empty space, readjusting Justin’s collar. “You’re officially joining our family.”

Justin takes a breath, nodding. “Yeah, it’s a little crazy to think about,” He admits.

Clay nods, giving Justin a smile as he turns back to grab his own tie.

“Boys, we have to leave in a few minutes,” Lainie calls, appearing in the doorway. Justin smiles at her, watching as her face softens and she steps into the room.

“You look so handsome, sweetheart,” She smiles. “This will be quick, then your dad and I were thinking about going to a celebratory lunch,” She explains. “I know you said you didn’t want any big celebration, and this is largely just a formality hearing since we won't be fighting your mother, but we wanted to do something special.”

“Lunch sounds great,” Justin nods. Clay hums in agreement from behind them, watching as Justin walks over, hugging Lainie. “Thank you, for everything.”

Lainie leans back to kiss his cheek, rubbing her hands along his back. “You were worth everything we’ve gone through the last few months,” She promises, cupping his face in her hands. “I just wish we could’ve gotten through to social services quicker.”

Justin shrugs, smiling. “Either way, we made it here. Right?” He smiles, Lainie returning the gesture as she kissed his cheek.

It had taken months to get to this point. Lainie filled out all the necessary paperwork immediately following Justin agreeing to the adoption, but with Amber still having Justin in her custody at the point he ran away, they made elaborate attempts to find her.

Lainie wrote plea after plea, reminding the courts that Amber was nowhere to be found when Justin was in juvenile detention, but they were insistent. And so they sat on pins and needles, waiting until a judge granted the period over, and the adoption could proceed.

Home visits were long and tedious, interviews with each family member completed to varying degrees. Justin spent most of his interviews letting the social worker know that this was the safest he’s ever felt, that the Jensens had saved his life when he didn’t think it was possible, and he was grateful for everything they had done for him.

When they got their court date, Lainie practically jumped out of her seat at the table. She walked over to the calendar on the wall, circling the date in blue marker and immediately writing absence notes for school for the occasion. She idly planned a day they could have together, a celebration of Justin officially being their son, but Justin withdrew. Matt noticed, asked him if he was okay, and Justin found his voice to ask if they could keep it low-key. The four of them only, a day at court to finalize the adoption, and then something quiet in the afternoon.

Lainie immediately agreed, promising him that this would not be made a big deal unless he changed his mind.

Both boys walked downstairs, smiling as Matt and Lainie waited in the doorway for them. “Ready to go?” Matt asks, smiling at all of them, and as they walk out to the car Justin welcomes the steady arm around his shoulder.

He was hours away from officially becoming a member of the Jensen family.

—

Justin doesn’t say anything during the hearing.

He sits in the chair in between Matt and Clay, legs bouncing anxiously as he picks at a hangnail. Clay reaches over, resting his hand on his thigh. It’s firm, grounding, and Justin leans back, taking a breath.

He could do this.

He listens as Lainie reads out the family’s testimony. She talks about how honored they are to have him as a son, how he completes their families in ways they didn’t know they needed. There are a few people in the court watching, a pack of tissues opens, and Justin bows his head.

He was getting a family.

The judge directs his attention to him, smiling. “Is there anything you’d like to say to the court?” He asks.

Justin nods, standing up from his chair and taking a breath. “I didn’t… I’ve never known what a family could feel like. The love that they could have for each other. Knowing that there was someone worried about you, or waiting for you when you came home,” He begins, taking a breath. “I’ve never had someone who worried about me, or expressed how much they loved me. But the Jensens… they’ve given me that. From the very first day I came to stay with them, they have never made me feel like an outsider.”

He glances at Matt and Lainie and then to Clay, turning back to the judge. “I can’t really express how thankful I am that they’re taking this chance on me. That they want to have me as their son, or their brother.”

He smiles, sitting back down in his chair. Matt takes his hand, squeezing gently as the judge smiles.

“I deem the Jensen family fit for the adoption. By the authority invested in me by the state of California, I pronounce you a family,” He says, signing the form in front of him. “Matthew and Lainie Jensen receive parental rights of Justin Foley. Mr. Foley, you are now a member of the Jensen family. Congratulations.”

Justin lets the tears pricking the back of his eyes fall, burying his head into the crook of Clay’s neck.

He feels Matt’s hand rub his back, Lainie’s hand running through his hair and massaging his scalp.

His family. Forever.

—

They stop for breakfast on the way home at the diner, sliding into a booth in the back corner. Lainie shows Justin the certificate before sliding it safely back into the envelope, mumbling about keeping it clean and how they’ll need it for certain documents to completely finalize the adoption.

Justin takes a bite of his breakfast, smiling. “I really am glad that I’m adopted,” He promises for the third time since they sat down, looking between the three of them. “I don’t think… I don’t know how to tell you guys how much I appreciate everything you’ve done for me.”

Lainie nods, taking a bite of her eggs. “We know, Justin,” She promises. “And we are so honored that we get to be your parents.”

“Today was the best day of our lives, along with Clay’s birth,” Matt adds on, smiling at Justin. “You’re officially our son now, not that that at all changes how we looked you or treated you. We have always seen you as our son. Now we just have the certificate to prove it.”

Justin nods, forcing himself to take another bite.

“I guess it’s pretty cool being able to say I have a brother,” Clay admits, smirking. “Although I wish it was someone a little better.”

Justin rolls his eyes, shoving Clay’s shoulder. He’s teasing, he knows, but it makes Justin feel more grounded. Normal. Like maybe this will eventually stop feeling so formal.

When they finish, Matt walks up to pay the bill as Lainie takes the boys outside, pulling Justin in for a hug for the first time since the adoption was finalized. He sinks into her touch, takes a breath and inhales the scent of her sweet perfume, her hands light against his back as she rubs softly, soothing in a way he never had before.

“We love you, Justin. I hope today was what you hoped for.”

Justin pulls away, smiling. “Lainie, today was the best day of my life,” He promises. The smile is sincere, the love behind his eyes is evident, and Lainie can’t help but replicate it. “I have never been happier than I have been with you guys. No one… I’ve never felt this loved before in my life.”

“You have a lifetime of love ahead of you, sweetheart,” She promises, pulling him against her chest again, kissing the side of his head.

Matt walks out, smiling at the three of them, and together they walk back to the car. “Let’s play hooky for the rest of the day. I think today is an exceptionally great day to celebrate being a family,” Matt decides, which earns agreements from Clay and Justin, and an apprehensive agreement from Lainie.

Justin slides into the back seat, leaning his head against the window as they drive through town. If he focuses long enough he can hear the conversation of birth certificates and getting Justin a passport for traveling once they have all the paperwork, and Clay chimes in that the extended family should probably know it's official, but they were absolutely _not_ making a big deal about it.

This was what Justin knew he needed. Stability, people looking out for him. And he was more than happy with it.

—

Matt finds Justin sitting on the back patio staring up at the sky later that afternoon, reveling in a quiet moment in an otherwise slightly chaotic day.

“Mind if I give you some company?” He asks, sitting down on the opposite side of the fire pit from his son when Justin nods, readjusting so he can sit up. “Did you just need a minute alone?”

Justin nods once more, chewing on the corner of his lip. Matt gives him an understanding smile, folding his hands in his lap. He waits patiently, basking in the comfortable silence and the unseasonably warm Fall day until Justin feels like he’s ready to talk.

“Is it bad that I wished my mom showed up today?” He asks tentatively, averting his gaze to the flower bush in the corner. “I wouldn’t… that wouldn’t have made me stop the adoption or anything. I just wish that she cared enough to even try to fight for me.”

Matt pauses, composing himself. He prided himself on justified answers, thought out and meticulous that brought a sense of ease to his children, but this question threw him for a loop.

“I don’t think it’s necessarily bad that you’re upset she didn’t show, Justin,” He promises, his words leaving no room for negotiation. “She’s your mother. She’s all you had for the first 17 years of your life. And while Lainie and I don’t agree with aspects that she put you through or let you be a product of, it doesn’t mean that your love diminishes for her.”

Justin nods. He picks at a scab on his knee, sighing. “I’ve never been more sure that I wanted to be part of your family,” He reminds him. Matt knows this to be true, but feels that maybe Justin keeps repeating to remind him. An anxious tick. “But my mom isn’t a bad person. She’s done some bad shit, but she’s not bad or she didn’t hate me or anything. She did what she could with what she had. I just — I guess I don’t know how to process my mom not giving a shit about me. She never did, but this really proves it.”

Matt sighs. He folds his hands in his lap, leaning forward. “It can be difficult to be faced with something you knew to be true that you didn’t want to admit,” He reminds him. “Your mother loves you, Justin. I don’t think we ever thought for a second that she doesn’t. But she has a lot of other demons she’s grappling with, and unfortunately, she put them first. It’s not fair to you, and it’s not an excuse, but I suspect it’s what you’ve known for years and didn’t want to admit.”

He watches Justin brush away a tear, nodding. “Do you think — will she ever want to see me again?”  
“I’m not sure,” Matt replies. Concern washes over his face, the brutal honesty being laid out in the open. “But Justin, just because we haven’t been able to locate her the last few months doesn’t mean that we have to stop looking. If you want to see your mom, Lainie and I will do our best to continue to locate her. But we don’t want you to worry about finding her or seeing her if she’s not in a good place. You can’t be subjected to that anymore.”

Justin laughs sadly, shaking his head. “I’ve seen her detox four times. I’ve found her overdosed more times than I can count. I barely remember the days she was sober. I’ve seen her at her absolute worst, I can handle however she’ll look now.”

“Just because you’ve seen her at her worst doesn’t mean that you should have to see her like this now,” Matt reminds him. “Justin, you are healing from your past traumas. Therapy is helping with that, right?” Justin nods. “Seeing your mother in a state that you’re trying to heal from can have adverse affects. You realize that Lainie and I are just trying to protect you, yes?”

“Yes,” Justin repeats, voice shaking.

He looks up as Matt stands up, moving to sit on the edge of the fire pit in front of him. “Justin, from the minute I met you, I knew I wanted to help you. As far as I’m concerned, you were always meant to be my son. And in the way I would protect Clay from seeing anyone in the state your mother may be in, I will protect you as well. You deserve to be happy, kid. You deserve to go to high school and play football and basketball and come home and not worry whether you’re going to find your mom alive. You should be able to hang out with your friends and laugh and annoy Clay maybe a little too much,” He smiles, earning a wet laugh from Justin.

“I want you to break curfew, to yell at Lainie and me when you think something is unfair, beg us to go to parties or teach us that we’re really not as cool as we think we are,” He smiles. He leans forward, taking Justin’s hands.

“I love you, kid, and I know that this day is bittersweet for you in many ways, but I want you to know that you are our child, okay? And Lainie and I will always be here when you slip up, or when you need someone to talk to, or when you just feel like you can’t do it anymore and you just need support. We’re also going to be there when you graduate high school, when you go to prom, when you get a great score on that test you study hard for. You are not going anywhere, you are not disposable, and we are more than prepared to spend every waking moment proving that to you, okay?”

Justin nods, pushing himself into Matt’s arms. He buries himself in his sweater, hands tugging at the material around his back, and Matt just holds him. It’s clumsy and messy and awkward and Matt leans back just enough to press a kiss to the side of Justin’s head, rubbing his back in soothing circles.

He supposes that maybe this has been what Justin needed for months. A hug from someone in his life who doesn’t pick and choose when they’re going to be there. Unwavering support when it doesn’t feel possible, a promise that things are okay when it feels like they’re coming down around them.

Matt’s prepared to stay in this moment for hours. Justin has shifted, head resting in the crook of Matt’s neck, and his breathing has slowed, steadying as he calms himself down. Matt doesn’t move, doesn’t stop rubbing circles, but smiles when he hears Justin clear his throat.

“I love you, too. Thank you.”

It’s enough.

—

Justin’s insistence for a normal adoption day doesn’t go unnoticed, and he’s given that. Dinner is whatever Lainie can find in the freezer, Clay complains about schoolwork they missed that day and the quiz he has the following morning in history, and Justin basks in all of it, laughing at Clay’s stress.

“You need to learn to lighten up,” He teases. “Even if you fail this quiz, I’ll bet you still have an A.”

Clay mumbles a reply about how that doesn’t matter, it’s the principle of it, and Justin doesn’t miss the smile tugging at the corner of Lainie’s mouth or the laughs that Matt produces when he turns back to the sink to put the last dish in the dishwasher.

Matt promised they could talk about his mom whenever he needed it. An open door policy, if he’d like. Justin thanked him, and thought maybe with time he could work up to that.

And then Lainie pulls a cake from the fridge, smiling. “I know we said we weren’t going to make a big deal about things, but I felt like we needed a little celebration,” She smiles. “It’s only a cake.”

Justin laughs. “Yeah, okay,” He nods, letting Matt take photos of he and Clay together and even going through with the self timer attempts before they finally got a good picture of the four of them.

Lainie prints the photos out immediately, putting them into frames she had been keeping in a cabinet, and puts them up on the mantle.

Justin stares at them until his eyes blur, chewing on the inside of his lip.

“Looks good, right?” Clay asks. He slings his arm over Justin’s shoulder, patting him. “Welcome to the family officially, I guess,” He says.

Justin smiles, leaning into Clay’s side. “Thanks,” He says. _I love you_ is implied, he thinks. Judging by Clay’s look, he thinks he’s right.

Justin was officially a Jensen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's an unnecessarily long one when i thought i'd just write one fic and be done ;)
> 
> thank you so much for the feedback on the first chapter! i'm so glad you guys are enjoying these so far :) i'll post sporadically as i have a few done, so hopefully 1-2 times a week if i can keep up.
> 
> i have a list of moments i want to write, but if there's any specifics you felt the show missed that you want to see, let me know!
> 
> <3 <3 <3


	3. Trust.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Justin comes clean about why he's been in his old neighborhood, and confronts the Jensens on his fears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> set after Justin talks with Coach Kerba in 4x5 :)

Justin sits on the old chair in the backyard crushing a leaf under the sole of his foot until it breaks off into little pieces.

The cravings to go buy drugs are always there, nagging in the back of his mind, but they had gotten worse since the Jensens drug tested he and Clay and Clay subsequently accused him of switching the tests when his came out positive. He hadn’t gone near drugs or his previous dealers, worked the steps of the program and talked to the counselors when things were particularly bad, but nothing was helping now.

Coach Kerba helped minimally. Stopped his mind from spiraling, reminded him that it wasn’t that the Jensens didn’t trust him, they just cared and they wanted him healthy and successful. Logically, Justin knew that was right. He had never had as much support as he did since living with them, but it doesn’t make his mind stop the thoughts that one wrong move and this could be the end of the most stable support system he’s ever known.

Coach suggested talking to Matt and Lainie alone, letting them know how he felt about being drug tested and Clay blaming him. His knee jerk reaction was to say no, absolutely not, that they have no reason to not trust their biological son over him. But Coach put a stop to it, holding up his hand.

“You can have these open conversations with them, Justin. I think you need to have them explain to you why they do what they do, and how they feel about what transpired with you and Clay. And they deserve to hear how it made you feel with the way the drug testing went.”

So now he sits in the backyard halfway between the outhouse and the main house, trying to muster up the courage to go inside and talk to them before Clay comes home from a school project he said he had to do at Tyler’s to skirt around the grounding they had both been dealt.

When he does finally pluck up the courage to go inside, Matt and Lainie are in the front room watching TV. He almost turns back, telling himself that it’s not worth it and they’re enjoying some rare quiet time together in between work, but Matt sees him before he can quietly walk back out through the back door.

“Justin, buddy, what’s wrong?” He asks, and Lainie reaches for the remote, turning off the TV.

Justin chews on the corner of his lip, shakes his head frantically, and then takes a breath. “I um, can we talk?”

They move into the living room, Justin sitting on the sofa curled in on himself while Matt and Lainie sit across from him, concern etched across their faces. “Justin, love, you can tell us whatever is wrong. We will do whatever we can to help you.”

Justin nods, squeezing his eyes shut. He takes a breath. “I… I met up with Coach today,” He whispers, staring at his lap. His left leg shakes anxiously, and his heart feels like it’s beating a million miles a minute. “I really was clean last night. With the drug tests.”

For a moment, Lainie’s face softens. “We know, sweetheart,” She promises.

“And I’ll take another test right now to prove it, I just… I feel like you guys don’t trust me or,” he stops, taking a breath, “or like you feel like you can’t trust me.”

“Justin,” Matt sighs. He folds his hands in his lap, leaning forward slightly. “We do those drug tests so we know that you’re safe. So that if there is something going on, or you are struggling, we can get you the help that you need. It has nothing to do with whether we trust you or not, which, we do trust you.”

“It’s not that we don’t believe that you wouldn’t come to us should you relapse or be struggling with worrying thoughts or temptations,” Lainie tacks on, offering a small smile. “It’s just a reassurance. That everything is okay, that we know you’re doing well and continue to do well.”

Justin takes a breath. “Like evidence. A way to… to back up my words,” He concludes, relieved when Lainie nods. “Okay, I understand.”

“We’re sorry we weren’t very clear about that, bud,” Matt says. “We should’ve expressed our intentions with the drug testing in the beginning. Made it clearer.”

“So why do you test Clay then?” Justin asked. He leans back, unfolding himself slightly. “Because he was never on drugs. I never… he never did anything I was doing. And I never encouraged it.”

“We know, Justin,” Lainie promises. “But it hardly seemed fair to only test you when Clay was sneaking around just as much. We want to help you both, Justin. And just because you needed more help in this area doesn’t mean that Clay wouldn’t at some point also need help.”

Justin nods, letting the silence fall over them again for a moment.

“You said you went and met with your coach this afternoon,” Matt begins. He shifts in his chair, and Justin forces himself to look up. “Is there anything we can help you with?”

Justin wants to say no. He wants to thank them for explaining, retreat back to the outhouse, and watch a movie to distract his mind until Clay comes home.

But he stops, tells himself he promised Coach he’d be honest, and then look back at them. “I felt like you believed Clay last night. When he said I switched the tests,” He admits. “I thought that when he said that and I told you guys I’ve been going to my meetings, you believed him and thought that I haven’t been following up on my steps or that I’ve been ditching the meetings and lying to you about where I am.”

“Justin, love,” Lainie says. She sighs, her voice filled with concern as she stands to move and sit beside him. “We didn’t believe Clay last night. We know there’s no way that you could have switched the tests, especially not right in front us. You were never out of our sight with the test strips,” She explains easily. The logical answer, Justin knows, but his heart slows down slightly hearing her explain, anxiety unfurling in his mind.

“We are so proud of you for going to your meetings and talking with the counselors, especially when you know you need it the most,” She continues. “We know that you're working so hard to stay clean, and sweetheart, we can’t explain how proud that makes us. We hope you know that you can always come to us when you need more support. We are always here for you.”

Justin nods, rubbing at his eyes. He feels the wobble in his chin, chewing the inside of his lip until the familiar metallic taste hits his tongue.

“The only reason we grounded both of you is because you couldn’t explain why you were in your old neighborhood, and Clay won't admit or tell us how he tested positive,” Matt offers. “And we understand there are things you don’t want to tell us, but Justin, being back in your old neighborhood isn’t something minor. We want to keep you safe, and your old neighborhood is not a place we want you.”

Justin nods. He sallows roughly, folding his hands together and closing back in on himself. “If I… if I’m honest about why I was there, will I get in trouble?”

Matt, who had previously done well to mask his concern, knits his eyebrows together. “You will not be in trouble for telling us the truth, Justin,” He says. “But we do have the right to decide what happens next based on the information you give us.”

Contemplating, Justin knows he really has no choice but to come out and say what’s been going on. He glances from Lainie to Matt, and then back down to his lap. “My mom has been texting and calling me nonstop. She’s um, she’s back. And she’s staying in our old neighborhood.”

“Justin —“

“She only ever asks me for money,” He continues, shaking his head and squeezing his eyes shut. “She doesn’t fucking care about me or how I’m doing. And I — I guess I just wanted to see for myself that she was really back. That she wasn’t — that she was here on her own. Not being held against her will or whatever.”

“How many times have you gone back?” Matt asks. His voice is soft, speaking evenly, and he moves closer. “You can be honest, Justin.”

“A few times,” He admits. “I just… it’s my _mom_ , you know? She’s in bad shape, and I feel like no one else is looking out for her. I was all she had.”

“It’s not your job to look out for her either, Justin,” Lainie reminds him. “Have you ever given her the money she asks from you?”

“I…” Justin breathes, turning towards the pillow. “A few times,” He admits. “And I know it was wrong, and I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I should’ve come to you guys, I should’ve been honest, I shouldn’t have snuck around. But I just… she was going to die and she’s my _mom_ and I couldn’t let her, I couldn’t —”

“Hey, hey,” Lainie soothes. Her hand hovers over his shoulder, and then retracts. “Justin, let’s take a deep breath. It’s okay, don’t worry about anything else, we just need you to breathe right now. Slow your breathing down.”

Justin nods, quick frantic breaths slowly turning into calmer breaths. Lainie offers her hand, and Justin takes it, squeezing. “I’m sorry,” He mumbles, looking back to Lainie.

“It’s okay,” She assures him, slowly bringing her hand up to brush through his hair. “Justin, honey, we’re not mad that you went back to see her. We understand your concern for your mother and your need to help her out. We just wish you would have come to us first.”

Justin nods. “I know, and I’m sorry.”

“Where is your mother staying?”

"At an apartment near our old place. One bedroom. I think she’s by herself, but she could’ve been lying to me. She’s not… it’s really bad this time.”

Matt nods. “How much money do you think you’ve given her?”

Justin shrugs uncomfortably. “I don't know. Maybe around 100 dollars? I gave her money here and there, I didn’t keep track.”

Justin notices Matt and Lainie share a glance, and Matt turns back to him. “Justin, we understand your desire to help your mother. We get that this isn’t easy, that you can’t just detach from her, but aiding her by giving her money and going to see her when she asks isn’t the way to fix things either. It puts you in a bad position, and may put you in a place where you could relapse and make some poor decisions, or be physically harmed when going to her.”

“I won’t relapse,” Justin replies weakly. He doesn’t believe himself, doesn't think that he can just tell himself he won’t relapse when it’s likely that he could the longer he’s around his mom, but he knows he can’t back now. “I just don't want my mom to die.”

“We don’t either,” Lainie promises. “Justin, honey, if we could help her in any way, we would. We could offer to send her to rehab.”

“She’ll refuse,” He shakes his head.

“What if I went with you? Tomorrow afternoon. We go see her, talk to her, let her know that she cannot keep contacting you and putting you in this position. We can tell her that if she’d like help, we could help her find resources,” Matt offers. “I know it might not help, but would you feel better to have that as a compromise?”

“She doesn’t know that I’m here with you guys,” He says weakly. “I don’t — does she even know that you adopted me?”

Lainie frowns. “She may not, no. Especially since she hasn't been in town and the courts wouldn’t have been able to notify her.”

Justin nods. He lets silence fill the room, thinking it over, and then looks back at Matt. “Okay, we can try. But I don’t…she might not like it.”

“That’s okay,” Matt nods. “At least we would have made the effort.”

Lainie waits for Justin’s agreement before speaking again, her thumb brushing against the back of his hand. “Justin, do you know how Clay would have tested positive?” Lainie asks. She’s surprised when Justin leans his head on her shoulder, sighing in exhaustion.

“I have no idea,” He offers quietly. “And I’ve asked our friends if they saw him do anything, or if they knew of anything. But no one did.”

“Okay, that’s not your issue to worry about or solve,” Matt replies, smiling.

“We’re proud of you for coming to talk to us, honey. And we’re sorry that we made you feel like we didn’t trust you. We’ll do better with reassuring you that this is for your health, not because of our trust,” Lainie promises. She rubs her hand across his back, leaning back to kiss the top of his head. “You okay?”

He nods, letting himself be comforted. “Do I get to be ungrounded now?”

Matt and Lainie share a laugh, and Justin manages a smile. “Your grounding can end Friday after school,” Lainie decides. “You still need consequences for sneaking around and not being honest when we confronted you about why you were there. But I think two more days is sufficient.”

Justin nods. “And Clay?”

“Will be grounded until he can tell us why that test was positive, and why he thought putting the blame on you was a responsible and honest decision to make,” Matt answers.

Justin nods, lets himself be comforted by Lainie for a few moments, and when he plucks up the courage to leave and go back to the outhouse to work on homework, he feels more relief than anything.

Grabbing his phone from his bed, he scrolls to his and Kerba’s texts.

_Talked to them. You were right, they do trust me and they didn't believe Clay. Thank you._

His phone buzzes a minute later, a text from Kerba lighting up his screen.

_Told you it’d be fine. Good on you, Foley. Let me know if you need anything._

He sets his phone back down, working through his history homework, and for the first time in days, feels like maybe his place in this family is stronger than it ever has been before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you GUYS. i never thought i would get this type of feedback on anything i posted, but i'm so glad you guys are liking these! i have a few others finished, i'm just trying to spread out over the course of a few days so i don't run out and keep you guys waiting :)
> 
> thank you so so much for all your comments/your kudos/even just genuinely enjoying these fics. i'm loving writing them, and i'm so glad you guys seem to like them just as much.
> 
> i'll post another in a few days! i have a long list of suggestions and ideas i really wanted to write, but if there are any moments you felt we missed throughout the show, feel free to let me know! :)
> 
> <3 <3 <3


	4. Milestone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Justin calls Matt and Lainie Mom and Dad for the first time.

Lainie spent most of her free time reading through adoption support groups, gaining advice and guidance as to how many families adjusted to teenage adoption.

She poured over the discussions, bookmarking and screenshotting ones she felt were particularly relevant, until one night when she found a topic about adopted children calling their new parents mom and dad.

She read through the answers until her eyelids grew heavy, chewing on the end of her pen and letting herself think about a world where she was Justin’s only mom.

The thought of Justin calling she and Matt mom and dad had never crossed her mind. While Justin had never had a father in his life, he had Amber, a woman who failed him so many times. But she was his mother, a woman who he loved so dearly and went to great lengths to protect, and Lainie never felt the need to press things further than that.

She saved a few of the answers people gave, showing them to Matt before he left for work the following morning. “I don’t know how feasible it is for us, we don’t know how Justin would feel about it, but there may be some interest in somewhere down the line.”

“Okay,” Matt nods. He looks over the screenshots, and then back to his wife. “Look, I would love for him to call us mom and dad, but I don’t think that’s something we should get our hopes up about. He’s 17, that may not be something he’ll be comfortable doing any time soon. Or ever.”

“I’m not getting my hopes up,” Lainie says. “I just want him to feel like he can if he wants to.”

“If it comes up, we’ll address it,” Matt says. “But I don’t think this is a special conversation occasion. It’ll make him feel awkward and obligated to call us that, and that’s not what I think we need to do here.”

Lainie agrees, sighing as she kisses her husband goodbye and the two of them go their separate ways.

—

With Justin leaving early to work out with Zach before school, Lainie was eager to have her older son home alone for the first time in what felt like years. “Clay, has Justin ever talked to you about wanting to call us mom and dad?”

“He’s asked me about calling you mom and dad,” Clay offers, taking a bite of his toast. “He wanted to know if I thought it would be weird if he wanted to call you guys that.”

“And what did you say?” Lainie asks. She tries to hide her eagerness and excitement, but thinks she failed when Clay looks at her, cocking an eyebrow.

“I told him that you guys would like it if he wanted to call you that, but he didn’t have to if he wanted to, and he didn’t have to do it until he was ready.”

Matt nods. “So, do you think he wants to?”

Clay rolls his eyes. “He asked me about it without me bringing it up. So yeah, probably,” He shrugs. “Just don’t push him about it or have one of those weird conversations with him.”

“What kind of weird conversations?” Lainie asks.

Clay stares at her, dumbfounded. “You know, Mom. Those sit down conversations you have with him where you make him feel safe,” He says. “Most of the time they’re great and he really does need them,” he clarifies when both of his parents look at him, “but I don’t think he needs one of these conversations just to know that you’re okay with him calling you mom and dad. He knows that.”

Lainie shares a glance with Matt, smiling. “Well then, you assure him that it’s fine if he wants to call us that, okay? Whenever he’s ready. Even if he’s ready to say it to one of us and not the other.”

“Lainie, you’re not seriously making this a competition right now,” Matt says, laughing. “It’s not a race to see who he says it to first. It’s not like he’s learning to walk or say mom and dad for the first time. He’s almost an adult.”

Clay looks between them both. “Oh my god, you’ve talked about this together, haven’t you?” He asks, standing up to get ready to leave. “He’s not a baby learning to talk for the first time, you know. He’s 17, he’s been talking for years. Probably too much, if you ask me. So don’t make this a competition, don't tell Justin that I told you, and don’t be weird about it if he does end up saying it. Because he probably will call you that eventually, and he’ll feel weird if you make this big deal about it. And then probably never say it again.”

He grabs his backpack, pulling it over his shoulder. “Also, he’ll probably say it to Dad first.”

Matt waits until Clay leaves for school, laughing. “We’re not making this a competition.”

“But you can be smug about Clay’s prediction,” Lainie sighs, putting their things in the dishwasher.

Matt laughs, leaving for work after kissing her quickly.

—

Matt and Lainie don’t bring it up again. There’s a few times Justin hesitates, almost like he’s going to say it, and then he reverts back to calling them by their names.

Closer, but not quite.

Matt mostly forgot about it, which is why when Justin walks in from school excitedly and finds Matt and Lainie home early from work, he almost loses his balance at how easy it comes out.

“Dad, there’s this fundraiser for the basketball team and the winner wins two tickets to the Warriors game! I know basketball really isn’t your thing, but I want to win this so bad.”

He’s not even sure Justin realized he said it.

Matt’s floored, ignoring his wife’s wide eyes as she watches from the table, and manages to compose himself.

“Sure, bud. What’s the fundraiser?” He asks, watching Justin pulls the information out of his backpack, going through it. “I could take this to work, have them buy a few tickets for the raffle. Everyone at work loves things like this.”

“Really?” Justin asks.

“Yeah, and your mom could see about taking it to her work as well. Get you a few extra entries.”

“Though my firm is a little more reluctant about fundraisers from our kids,” She reminds them, a smile on her face. “We’ll see what we can do to get you to win.”

“And if you don't win, we can always go to a Warriors game on our own, Justin. We’ll just buy tickets.”

Justin nods, smiling. “Okay. I’m going to go work on my homework while I wait for Clay to come home. Thanks, Dad,” He says, retreating through the back door.

Matt waits, watching Justin walk through the backyard as he leans against the counter. “Oh my god.”

“He called you Dad. Twice,” Lainie smiles, amazement etched through her words. “He actually did it.”

There’s this pride bursting through his chest, an unexplained warmth he never thought he’d feel towards all of this. It feels like the first time Clay called him dad, or the time he took his first steps. This unbridled joy and pride for his son, like this was a milestone that needed to be met.

He never wanted to lose this feeling.

—

Lainie read more support group answers from adoptive mothers. Most echoed the same concerns she had. That it took their child longer to call them mom because the mother was still in their child’s life.

So she stopped dwelling on it. She checked the support groups less and less in regards to this topic, stopped letting it consume her mind or bother her that he had begun saying dad to Matt and continuing to say it more often, and reminded herself that there was more behind the label “mom” for Justin.

She folds and sorts the boys laundry, walking out to the outhouse to deliver it. Clay had been over at Ani’s working on a project, and Justin, who was learning to love his quiet time alone in their space, was watching a movie idly on the sofa.

“I just have your laundry, honey,” She says when she walks in, and when she doesn’t earn a response, she walks over to the sofa. “Justin, sweetheart, are you okay?”

“Jess and I broke up,” He says simply, tossing his phone onto the coffee table. “Or well, she broke up with me.”

“Oh sweetheart,” Lainie sighs, moving to sit beside him on the sofa. “I know you really loved Jess.”

He shrugs sighing. “It’s probably for the best, right? I should be focusing on other things, and she needs to have a life away from me, too. I just… it sucks.”

Lainie nods. “Break ups are hard. And I know it hurts, and it sucks when you feel like the world is ending, but you’re going to be okay, honey,” She reminds him. “Who knows, maybe down the line when things are a little calmer you’ll be able to get back together. But I think you’re right, I think right now you need time to focus on yourself, and she needs space to have a senior year she wants to have.”

Justin sighs, sitting up and falling into Lainie’s arms. She hugs him, kissing the top of his head, and lives fully in the moment.

“Thanks, Mom,” He whispers, burying his head against the crook of her neck. “You always know what to say.

Mom.

_Mom._

He said it.

She smiles to herself, running her fingers through his hair. “You’re welcome, sweetheart. I’m here for you whenever you need me, okay? Even if you have to wake me up in the middle of the night for something.”

He nods, leaning against her for a while longer, and then lets her go.

She separates their laundry, setting it on each of their beds, and turns back to leave. “Dinner will be ready soon, love. I’ll text you.”

Justin nods once more, reaching for his phone.

“Hey, Justin?” She says, taking a breath when he turns to look at her. “I love you. It’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay.”

The smallest of smiles tugs at the corners of his lips, and he nods. “I love you too, Mom.”

She floats back to the main house, proudly telling her husband when she walks in the door the good news.

“Oh, Lainie,” He smiles, laughing as he kisses her. “It’s the best feeling in the world, right?”

“Definitely,” She beams, setting the table for dinner.

Her son called her mom and said he loved her, and for as silly as she feels, it’s the most rewarding feeling Lainie can remember in a long time.

—

He doesn't always call them Mom and Dad.

In fact, a majority of the time he sticks to Matt and Lainie. One night over dinner he admits he’s trying to use Mom and Dad more. But it’s a process, and it feels awkward sometimes.

They assure him that it’s okay, he can take all the time he needs. There’s no rush, and he’s always okay with calling them whatever he wants to call them.

He does, however, say “our parents” when talking to his friends, and he calls them his mom and dad when referring to them individually. It’s almost the same euphoric feeling for Matt and Lainie, who both laugh at how ridiculous it feels to hit this milestone.

Lainie knows that one day they may always be referred to as mom and dad by Justin, and she’d be lying if she said it wasn’t a day she was waiting eagerly for.

But if it never came, if mom and dad were used sometimes and Matt and Lainie at other times, she thinks that's more than okay.

More than enough.

Just knowing he felt safe and comfortable being able to say it at all was good enough for them. He would always be their son, they would always be his parents, and that was the most important thing.

They’re just glad Justin knows that as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to the lovely @abbyli for suggesting this! i always thought that if he ever did it it would take a while/it wouldn't be one of those things where he called them mom and dad and then never by their first names again. it would be more of a gradual thing.
> 
> i will never stop being in awe of how much you guys like these. i'm so glad you're enjoying them! it's so hard to contain myself to posting only every few days haha. more will be up soon!
> 
> thank you guys for reading and commenting and leaving kudos or even just enjoying these little moments! there will be ones centered around Clay, including his mental health and how the family deals with it. it just turns out that i have a lot of the justin centric ones done :)
> 
> see you in a few days! <3 <3 <3


	5. Coexist.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clay and Justin learn to share a space in the outhouse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for brief mentions/insinuations to sexual assault

Matt offers to give up his office for Justin to have his own room.

Clay immediately refutes, shaking his head. “I’m fine sharing my room. It’ll be fine, we’ll figure it out.”

Lainie frowns, setting the table for breakfast. “Are you sure you don’t want your own rooms? Give yourself some space?”

“I’m okay, Mrs. Jensen. The sofa in Clay’s room is fine,” Justin promises, sinking into his seat at the table.

Lainie gives him a smile, setting orange juice in front of him. “While I’m glad to hear that the futon is comfortable, you’ll be getting your own bed,” She says, carrying breakfast over to the table. “Social services at the very least would like to see that we provide you with a bed, even if you’re sharing a room. And we also want to give you at least a bed.”

“What about the garage?” Matt offers, turning back from his place at the stove.

“We’re going to bring Justin in to immediately kick him out?” Lainie muses, smiling around her coffee mug. “Doesn’t seem very productive, honey.”

“For both of the boys,” Matt clarifies, a smile on his face. “We could redo it, make it both of their spaces.”

“I’d like that,” Justin smiles, turning to Clay, who replies with a shrug, committing quietly.

Matt spends the breakfast talking about remodeling and designs and the space available to them, and suddenly Justin feels okay about all of this. The permanency, the love.

—

Moving into the outhouse is a disaster.

Justin is perpetually messy, clothes thrown around and dishes left on the counter for far too many days. It’s a source of bickering between the boys, often left with Clay stalking off and Justin finding it all too amusing, which starts the fighting over again.

Lainie sighs when she walks in, biting back a smile at Clay’s put together, tidy side of the room, and Justin’s much messier, torn apart half.

“I think we can come to a compromise,” She decides, crossing the room to Justin’s half, folding a shirt and setting it in front of him. “Justin, I think you can do a lot better at keeping your half tidy. Put your clothes in the hamper or in the drawers, clean the dishes quicker and maybe even put them away?” She offers, pleased when Justin nods.

“And Clay, I think you can work on being a little less tense about this,” She says. “Justin’s side is not going to be as neat as your side. You can come to a compromise if it affects your living, but I think you need to learn to let some of it go.”

Clay sighs, relenting. “Fine, sure. I’ll learn to live in a little filth.”

Lainie rolls her eyes, patting Justin’s leg when Clay announces he’s going to the bathroom. “He’ll lighten up,” She promises. “You’re both learning to cohabitate with someone else. Both of you were only children before the adoption, it’s an adjustment.”

Justin nods, leaning down and picking up a pair of shorts, dutifully folding them. “I can be better though. I will be better,” He nods.

“Justin, you don’t need to listen to Clay on how you have to be,” Lainie reminds him gently. “I mean sure, it would be nice to have you clean a dish every once in a while, because that is snot good for your health, but Clay will live. A little mess won’t kill him.”

Justin nods, laughing as he folds more clothes.

“You know, when I was younger, my sister and I shared a room,” She says, keeping busy by putting the clean dishes away. “I was a lot like Clay. Wanted everything in its place, clothes put away, jewelry laying perfectly. And Aunt Sarah, she was a mess. Clothes falling off the hangers, soda cans on the dresser, sheets pushed onto the floor or down to the end of the bed, which was never made. It used to drive me crazy.”

“So that’s where Clay gets it,” Justin muses, laughing.

“Matt’s similar with the neatness. Unfortunately, Clay had little hope in being a free spirit,” She smiles. “But your Aunt Sarah and I, we survived. We’re best friends now, and I got over the whole messy life thing. Clay will too, you know. You’ll learn to coexist and it’ll be okay.”

Justin breathes, nodding. “I can be better for him, though,” He promises. “At least with the dishes, since that’s our shared half.”

He doesn’t flinch when Lainie stands up, dropping a kiss to the top of his head. “You’ll figure it out,” She smiles, leaving the outhouse without another word.

—

Clay was trying to think about the perks of sharing the outhouse with someone else.

There was always someone there to indulge him in a late night snack. The two could laugh about hours over nothing and everything at the same time. Video games always had a second player ready in hand, and Justin was always a willing participant.

But maybe the most reassuring part of it all was when Clay’s nightmares returned with a vengeance, and Justin was always there to pull him out of them.

“They’re happening more often, Clay,” Justin said one night, moving back to sit on his bed facing his brother after he woke him up. He rubs at his eyes, sighing. “What are you seeing in them?”

Clay shakes his head, wiping his hand over his face. “It doesn’t matter.”

“The fuck it doesn’t,” Justin says. “Clay, come on. I want to help, but I can’t really do anything if you just keep saying you’re fine when you’re clearly not.”

“You do the same thing, Justin,” Clay says. He stands up, digging through his drawers for a new t-shirt. “Why can’t you just let it be?”

“Because you’re getting like no sleep,” Justin sighs. “Look, it doesn’t have to leave the outhouse. I just — I’m worried about you.”

Justin watches as Clay changes, settling back into his bed. “I just keep seeing Bryce or Hannah and they’re telling me that there’s more I could’ve done or it’s my fault they’re dead.”

“You know that’s not right, don’t you,” Justin says. “You didn’t kill either of them.”

“Yeah, well, the cops think I killed Bryce.”

“Dude, but you didn’t,” He sighs. “Bryce deserved what came to him. But you didn’t kill him, and you didn’t kill Hannah.”

Clay nods, falling back against his pillows. “Do you — how do I make them stop?”

Justin sighs, pulling the comforter back over him. “I don’t know,” He admits. “Maybe you could start seeing Dr. Ellman again, at least tell him what’s going on. He might be able to help.”

“He’d think I was crazy.”

“Clay,” Justin breathes, frustrated. “He’s not going to think you’re crazy. He's going to want to help.”

Clay doesn’t answer, staring at the ceiling, and Justin sits up to face him. “I’ll go with you, if it makes you feel better.”

Clay nods, turning back to look at Justin. “Thanks,” He mumbles.

Justin nods, lays back down, and then turns to face Clay. “Turn on the light by your bed.”

Clay hesitates, turning it on. “What’s the point of that?”

“A light on used to help me. When I had nightmares at my mom’s.”

Justin doesn’t say anything else, turning on his side so his back is facing Clay. He waits until he hears Clay’s breathing even before he falls back asleep, the light proving to be enough for the night.

—

_My name is Justin Foley… and I’m a survivor._

Clay’s had the phrase running through his mind since the assembly the day before.

The night in a cell after he was arrested, the car ride home with Lainie where she promised they were getting to the bottom of how they thought they had enough evidence to charge him with murder. How the ankle monitor was temporary and a condition of getting him released, but they’d work to get it removed soon.

He thought about it all through dinner, when Justin complimented Matt on the new chicken dish and proudly announced that he got a C on his history test, which for Justin was a huge feat.

He thought about it until they went back to the outhouse for the evening, long after Justin laid down in his bed and read through one of Clay’s _Alien Killer Robots_ comic books.

He waits until the lights are off before plucking up the courage to say anything, chewing on the corner of his lip as Justin’s breathing steadied. Because it’s easier to say what he’s thinking when he can’t actually see Justin’s reaction.

“What you said at the assembly yesterday… it was really brave, Justin.”

Justin’s breath hitches, sucking in sharply and freezing. Clay squeezes his eyes shut, willing himself to sink beneath the blankets and wish he never said anything at all, and then Justin clears his throat.

“Thanks,” He mumbles. “I didn’t… I wasn’t planning on doing that.”

“You saw Tyler stand up, and you felt like if he could do it, so could you,” Clay says after a minute. He turns to face Justin, who nods quickly, face illuminated by the light outside.

“We don’t have to talk about it at all,” Clay reassures him. “But if you ever want to, or if you ever need something, you can talk to me.”

Justin’s silent, breathing even as he stares at the ceiling. “I was five,” He begins, and Clay freezes, hands tangled in the sheets as his brother talks. “My mom had this boyfriend…”

He tells the story he told Jess that afternoon over again. Voice shaking, hands wringing the comforter as he details his childhood, his life on the streets. Clay listens, doesn’t interject even when he wants to tell Justin that it wasn’t his fault, and turns on his side when Justin finishes.

“I’m really glad you’re here now, Justin,” He says, and maybe it’s the most sincere he’s ever made that feel. “I love you, and I’m so sorry that you had to go through that. That you — that you never had anybody save you.”

Justin laughs wetly, shaking his head. “I have you guys now though,” He mumbles. “And I don’t — I’ve never felt this much love in my life, you know.”

Clay smiles. “Well you’re stuck with it now. And my parents will only get more overbearing.”

“Bring it on,” Justin replies hoarsely. He turns on his side, facing Clay. “Thank you. For saving my life. For being so cool with your parents adopting me, and for listening to me in the middle of the night talking about how shitty my life was.”

Clay turns. “I’d do anything for you, you know. Whenever you need it.”

“Same,” Justin nods. He rubs at his eyes, buries himself into the pillow, and smiles. “You turned my life around, Jensen. Not to be all sappy.”

“You did the same for me,” Clay admits.

He watches as Justin falls asleep, fitful before relaxing into the pillow, and then falls asleep himself, thoughts of Justin’s past swirling through his mind.

He doesn’t plan on telling his parents or intervening unless Justin asks, but it brings him comfort to know that Justin at least feels comfortable with him.

Like maybe that’s enough.

—

The two never quite learn how to cohabitate.

Justin invites too many friends over, his clothes never quite make it off the floor, and the dishes only get mildly better — still after a lot of prodding from Clay.

Clay never stops complaining about Justin’s mess. He picks things up passive aggressively, forces Justin to do his own dishes, and it never quite stops amusing Justin how worked up he manages to get.

Justin’s survived too many late night phone conversations between Ani and Clay, which can only be described as slightly obsessive and also incredibly nerdy. He teases him about it, and for as annoyed as Clay gets, he kind of loves it.

It’s the brother he never wanted, he decides. He never asked for a sibling, was perfectly content with being the only child, and then Justin came into his life.

For all the little things about Justin that annoys him, there’s a million things about him that he loves.

The way Justin’s always up for doing something that could potentially get them in trouble, just to get some justice for himself or their friends. Or how no matter when he needs it, Justin’s a willing ear, listening to the rants and offers words that usually fall flat, but somehow manage to feel comfortable all the same.

He likes the way Justin just so seamlessly fit into their family it’s almost as if he was meant to be their son and brother. He was meant to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas, or come to family reunions and get along with their younger cousins so well it’s almost like Clay is the new kid and not him.

Or how his parents are happy to see that he and Justin have each other.

He knows that sharing a space with Justin will never get easier. They’re always going to bicker over silly things, but maybe that’s half of the fun about it.

Because when they do eventually go their separate ways, to college for months at a time, even moving out permanently, Clay knows that he’s going to miss this.

So for now he’ll keep complaining about the socks he finds on his side of the room or the dinner that’s been sitting on the counter for days, but he’ll also soak in the late night talks and the video game or movie marathons, and find a way to just let it all be.

Because Justin Foley was his brother, and there’s nothing that could change that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you guys are all amazing and i don't deserve you all but i'm so glad you guys are enjoying these. made this one a little more geared to both boys rather than being justin-centric :) i'm working on a few clay centric one as well! 
> 
> thank you so so so much for the comments/kudos/reading these <3 <3 <3 
> 
> more will be posted in a few days! :)


	6. Therapy.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Jensens think Justin could use therapy

Lainie had sat through one too many domestic violence cases.

Ones that didn’t pan out well, ones that left permanent scars and people feeling hopeless and kids being thrown into the middle of it, concern for their wellbeing far removed from the situation.

She dealt with CPS far too many times, long, drawn out conversations about the well-being of kids and suitable foster placements. Arguments over splitting up older siblings and younger siblings, and her heart shattering each time she watched court finish and the kids not be granted access to their parents yet.

And then she sat up one evening two weeks after making the decision to formally adopt Justin, his file spread across Matt’s desk in his office, door locked.

She read each case in the file painstakingly, tissue wadded in her hand as she flipped through. Complaints filed by teachers and neighbors, starting as young as when Justin was six.

The first report is the one she keeps going back to. From Mrs. Smith, Justin’s first grade teacher, who flagged Justin’s homework project on wishes, where Justin had written: _I want to find my daddy, and for my mom to throw out all her needles and pay attention to me._

She studied the photos attached to a few of the files, a floppy haired Justin with a sad expression, bruises lingering across his cheeks and dark circles under his eyes. A clearly malnourished body of a little boy who just needed love. She thinks back to when Clay was that age, when they had been trying baseball and soccer and really any sport any of his friends even showed a minor interest in.

She knows Justin never had that.

Her fingers dance over the reports of the cigarette burns on Justin’s arms, or the malnutrition the nurse alerted when Justin came to her office complaining of a stomachache.

As Justin got older, the complaints got worse. Suspicious broken bones, one that Justin would always tell the emergency room came from sports or roughhousing with friends. Doctors started reporting more, Justin was removed from the home twice, but Amber was always granted custody back when she could prove the men weren’t in their lives.

Lainie dabs at her eyes, startled when there’s a knock at the door and Matt’s familiar voice pokes through.

She unlocks it, letting him in, and promptly locks the doors again. “Read through these, Matt,” She sighs, gesturing towards the files spread out across his desk. “He’s been through so much hurt, Matt. He’s never — no one has ever protected him.”

“We will now,” Matt assures her, chewing on his lip as he reads through the files. “He has us, and we are going to protect him from everything that he should have been protected before.

Lainie watches him pause, staring at the photos, and moves to stand behind him. “He wanted his mom to pay attention to him. He didn’t even have the basic necessities. A mother that cared.”

Matt nods, fingers following countless cases. “We need to be doing more for him,” He breathes, turning back to look at his wife. “I had no idea it was this bad, Lainie. We knew he was homeless, knew he didn’t have a stable support system at home, and we’re dealing with the detoxing. But Lain, this is — this is too much for us.”

Lainie sighs, deflating on the sofa across the room. “Where do we start?” She asks. “He’s never had someone care about him, and I don’t want it to come across as us forcing him to do something because we think it’s what’s best after reading these. He won’t respond to that sort of offer.”

Matt removes his glasses, rubbing at his temple. “I think we offer therapy, at the very least. Tell him that even if he doesn’t think he needs it, maybe it’d be good to go to a session or two, see if it helps. That it may be easier to talk to someone who he doesn’t live with.”

Lainie nods. “Do we involve Clay?”

“Maybe as reassurance,” Matt decides after a moment. “He’s been to therapy, been to Dr. Ellman, he’d be able to provide insight we otherwise wouldn’t. Maybe Justin has even expressed that he’d like to talk to someone.”

He crosses the room, joining his wife on the couch. “Whatever we need to do, we’ll do it. This kid — he deserves every opportunity we can give him.”

Lainie nods, leaning against her husband’s side. She savors the moment, making a mental list of approaches and research she’d like to do, and reminds herself that Justin is safe now, that this CPS file will no longer need anything added to it.

—

“Oh, Justin definitely needs therapy,” Clay nods, looking between both of his parents. “He’s like… he’s super fucked up. And he doesn’t know how to express all the emotions.” He digs through his backpack for his homework, sighing. “Plus, he’s been through some like, really fucked up shit. According to Zach at least.”

Matt and Lainie share a glance. “We’ve seen his CPS file, honey. He didn’t have the easiest childhood,” Lainie says, masking her concern with a smile. “Has he given you any indication that maybe he’d like to try therapy?”

Clay furrows his eyebrows, shaking his head. “No. Justin doesn’t ask for things, or make any sort of inclination of something he’d want if he knows it’s going to cost money,” He explains. “He’s going to be resistant to you guys suggesting it as well.”

“Do you think he’ll accept?”

“I don’t know, maybe,” Clay shrugs. “The whole talking about feelings things is rough for Justin. Obviously. I’m not sure he’s going to want to do it more than we’ve already made him,” He says.

Lainie tries not to physically deflate, nodding. She presses a kiss to Clay’s head, Matt doing the same.

“You’ll support us if we need it, right?” Matt asks. “Hype up Dr. Ellman and therapy in general? Let him know that it helps?”

“Yeah, sure,” Clay nods, but his nose is buried in his textbook and he’s opening his laptop to type notes, and Matt’s not even positive Clay heard the request.

He and Lainie leave the room, quietly shutting behind them, and Lainie lets her shoulders fall. “I just hope it goes easier than I’m envisioning right now.”

Matt rests his hand on her shoulder, squeezing, and sighs. “If he doesn’t want therapy, then we keep supporting him the way that we have. Make sure he knows we are open to talk whenever he needs it, no matter what hour it is.”

Lainie nods frantically, taking a deep breath.

“It’s the least we can do.”

—

Justin sinks further into the sofa, wringing his fingers together. The offer of therapy hung in the balance thickly, and Lainie chewed on her lip until she couldn’t take the non-answer any longer.

“It’s entirely your decision, sweetheart,” Lainie offers. “We won’t force you to speak with Dr. Ellman, or anyone at all if you don’t want to. We just think that you’ve been through so much in your young life, and it may help to talk to someone who will be able to help you with anything you don’t feel comfortable telling us.”

“I didn’t have an awful childhood,” Justin replies tersely. “My mom, she… she did her best,” He explains. “She didn’t abuse me, or hurt me, or anything like that.”

“But people in your life did,” Lainie stresses. “Justin, we looked through your CPS file. We don’t have to talk about it, don’t have to go into detail or even look at it again, but it’s a requirement to know the history of a child you’re planning to adopt whenever possible.”

They watch the color drain from Justin’s face, closing in on himself. “What’s in that file, I — it wasn’t as bad as those reports make it sound,” He defends, shaking his head quickly. “I don’t… it really wasn’t that bad.”

Lainie’s eyes soften, watching Justin. She wants to stand up, walk over to him and comfort him. She wants to promise him that he’s safe here, that nothing like that will ever happen again. But she doesn’t, recognizing that those gestures aren’t something Justin would welcome right now.

Instead, she leans forward and folds her hands between her. “Justin, you can love your mom and hate what you had to endure because she didn’t protect you,” She says carefully. “The decision to speak to someone, to process what you had before, isn’t a decision that needs to be made today. But we want you to understand that you deserved better. Your childhood deserved to be carefree and fun and happy. It was not your place to worry about missed meals or your mother overdosing or if you’d be able to sleep through the night that night without waking up to a fight. And we’re sorry that that was your reality, but Matt and I are going to make sure it isn’t now. We’re promising you that your life will be calm and reassuring and have the strongest support system from here forward.”

Justin stares at his lap, nodding quickly. “Can I go upstairs?”

“Sure,” Matt nods, watching as Justin stands up, abruptly leaving the room as Lainie leans back, running her fingers through her hair.

“He’s in so much pain, Matt.”

“That could’ve gone worse,” Matt replies. “I was expecting an outburst, or flat out refusal. Maybe… maybe this will be okay. Maybe he’ll say yes.”

Lainie ignores the thought, too afraid to get her hopes up, and walks back to the kitchen to busy herself with dinner.

—

“Do you like Dr. Ellman?”

The lights have been off in Clay’s room for almost an hour, but neither boy was asleep. Clay had been playing a game on his phone, and Justin spent a better part of the hour tossing and turning before settling with staring at the ceiling.

“He’s fine, why?”

“Your parents asked me if I’d want to talk to him.”

Clay locks his phone, letting it fall to his chest. “What did you say?”

“Nothing,” Justin laughs, shaking his head. “I sat there and told them that whatever they read in my CPS file wasn’t as bad as it sounds.”

Clay shifts, laying to face Justin. “Do you believe that?”

“I don’t know,” Justin replies, defensive. “I haven’t exactly sat and gone through whatever’s in that file, Jensen.”

“But you lived through it.”

Justin picks at a string on his comforter. “There’s a lot that I lived through that didn’t make it to that file.”

Silence fills the air once more, but this time it’s deafening and uncomfortable and Clay turns again, needing some sort of noise to break the tension.

“Dr. Ellman is good,” He decides after a moment. His eyes fixate on a poster on the wall, colors blurring together the longer he stares. “He’s super patient. And he lets me get frustrated and pace and yell, and never really tells me that I’m being irrational.”

He can hear Justin nod, but refuses to look at him.

“You don’t have to take them up on their offer, but like, you could probably use the therapy,” Clay tries. “I mean, there’s a lot of shit you don’t want to talk about with us, which is fine, but you should tell someone. It’s going to eat you alive if you don’t.”

“I’ve made it 17 years not talking to anyone,” Justin says softly. His hand drops back to the mattress, sighing.

“Then maybe this is where you start changing. Maybe this is where you let people help and talk through all the fucked up shit you’ve had to live through.”

Justin turns on his side, burying his head under the duvet. “Yeah, maybe it is,” He agrees quietly.

—

Justin doesn’t give them an answer for three days. No one brings it up or pressures him, but Lainie spends time on group forums brainstorming ways to reapproach the therapy talk when enough time has passed.

Then, on a Friday evening where Justin decides he’s not up for going out, he waits until Clay leaves for Tony’s before making his way downstairs where Matt and Lainie were curled in the sunroom reading.

He tilts onto the sides of his feet, shoving his hands into the pockets of his sweatshirt. “I’ve been thinking,” He begins, staring down at the rug as he chews on his lip. “I’d like to see Dr. Ellman.”

He forces himself to look up, finding the evident smile on Lainie’s face and the kind eyes of Matt watching him. “But I don’t want it to be like, a permanent thing yet. I want to go once and see how I feel about it after.”

“Like a trial run,” Matt offers, smiling when Justin looks relieved and nods.

“Of course, sweetheart,” Lainie nods. She bookmarks her place in her book, shutting it and resting it on her lap. “I’ll call Dr. Ellman in the morning and ask when he has availability to see you. We’ll go once, and if you feel comfortable, then we’ll decide if it’s something you want to continue.”

“Thank you,” He says, smiling. “I have homework I need to catch up on,” He says, turning back on his heels and walking back upstairs.

Lainie waits until she hears the door shut, turning back to face her husband. They share resembling beaming smiles, relief washing over both of them. “I just hope it works out,” She says, and Matt nods in agreement.

“Him being receptive is a big step,” He reminds her, but Lainie is already writing out what she wants to say to Dr. Ellman on the phone, preparing him for the struggles Justin has faced without giving too much away.

—

Dr. Ellman keeps his waiting room stocked with generic magazines Lainie can only imagine his wife picks up at the grocery store checkout counter. She smiles to herself, busies her mind with a _Good Housekeeping_ , and hopes the craft and cooking ideas are enough to distract her mind for the hour Justin is meeting with Dr. Ellman.

At Justin’s request, Lainie accompanied him to the first appointment. As support, she thinks, in case Justin needed her or didn’t feel comfortable in the presence of someone he didn’t know. Lainie immediately agreed, managing to keep her composure and decidedly not make a big deal about it, and when Justin filled the entire car ride there with mindless chatter about football and the upcoming basketball season, she welcomed the word-vomit inducing anxiety that seemed to consume him.

“It’ll be fine, Justin,” She reminded him when they pulled into the parking lot, carefully shutting off the car. Justin only nodded, trailed behind her as they walked into Dr. Ellman’s office, and sat anxiously beside her until he was led back into the room.

She read the same recipe three separate times, desperate for her brain to do anything but think about Justin. Moving onto an older version of _Good Housekeeping_ , she was relieved when the door opened and Justin walked out, Dr. Ellman trailing behind.

“Today went well,” Dr. Ellman smiles, folding his hands in front of him. “I hope I’ll have more time to speak with Justin at a later time.”

Lainie nods, thanking him. Justin thanks him quietly, the two of them walking back out to the car in silence.

After Clay’s first therapy appointment, Lainie peppered him with questions on the ride home. She remembers asking how he thought it went, if he thinks Dr. Ellman may be the perfect therapist for him, if he wants to schedule for more than once a week.

But Justin is different. Justin has only just become her son, the adoption technically not even official. So much of his life had been turmoil and chaos, and Lainie feels a bit like she’s playing minesweeper. One wrong misstep and he’ll retreat back into his shell they had worked so hard to bring him out of.

So she doesn’t say anything. She turns on the radio, hands Justin the cord to plug in his phone and play his own music if he wants, but he politely declines. He turns on her favorite station, sinking back into the seat, and leans his head in his hand as he stares out the window.

“Can we see if he has another appointment next week?” Justin asks abruptly as one song ends, turning to look at Lainie. “I think… I think maybe with a few more sessions, I’ll feel more comfortable.”

Lainie smiles, sighing when the light goes green and cuts the moment short, and then nods. “Of course, love. I’ll call Dr. Ellman when we get home, see if we can schedule another session or two,” She promises, watching from the corner of her eye as Justin nods and moves to stare straight ahead. “So, you think it went okay?”

Justin hums, but there’s the faintest of smiles at the corner of his lips. “I think so, yeah. He makes me make sense of like, the shit I don’t understand.”

Relaxing, Lainie nods. She lets the language slide for a moment, glancing back at Justin. “I’m glad, sweetheart. And if at any point you don’t want to go anymore, then we stop.”

Justin nods, leaning back. “Thank you, Lainie. For helping me, and adopting me, and letting me make all these decisions.”

Lainie chews on her lip, desperate to not cry while she’s driving, and reaches a hand over to rub his. “Always, sweetheart. Whatever you decide, Matt and I will always support you. You’re our son, Justin. And just like we support Clay, we will support you. Even if we have to do a little more prodding to get you to make the right decision.”

Justin laughs, nodding. They arrive home, Justin says a quick hello to Matt before retreating to the outhouse to find Clay, and Matt turns back to his wife.

“Please tell me he’s okay,” Matt breathes. “He doesn’t hate us, right?”

Lainie sets her bag on the kitchen table, turning back with a beaming smile. “He wants to go back,” She informs her husband, hugging him tightly before walking over to the fridge to find the number and call Dr. Ellman.

Progress, she thinks, is happening for all of them.

This was just a huge step in the right direction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're going to pretend that the adoption one-shot didn't have a mention of justin going to therapy in it for this one ;) in all honesty, that adoption one-shot was supposed to be a one-off, but as we can see, i've gotten carried away and kept going :)
> 
> a clay centric one will be next! i have one almost done, i just wasn't in love with a few parts and didn't want to keep you waiting :) 
> 
> thank you guys so so much for reading/commenting/leaving kudos!
> 
> see you in a few days <3 <3 <3


	7. Scared.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clay's mental health takes focus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> loosely follows events that happened in season 4

“I think Clay needs to start seeing Dr. Ellman again.”

The statement is made in passing, Justin finishing loading the dishwasher while Clay retreated back to the outhouse to finish his homework.

Matt and Lainie pause, looking back at their son. “What has you concerned, Justin?” Matt asks, watching as Justin turns around, leaning back against the counter as he shrugs and dries off his hands.

“I don’t know,” He admits. “He just… he seems off. Not himself. He’s been like this since i’ve been back. But I think with all the shit that’s happened, maybe it’d be good for him to see him again.”

He watches a Matt and Lainie share a glance, sighing. “We’ve been worried that this has all been taking a toll on him,” Matt admits.

“We’ll call Dr. Ellman in the morning, Justin. And we’ll talk to Clay tomorrow as well,” Lainie offers. “Thank you for bringing it to our attention.”

Justin nods, tossing the towel back on the counter, saying goodnight and retreating back to the outhouse.

—

Most nights, Monty haunts his dreams like a dark cloud weighing over him.

He taunts him, explains his death in every gory detail he can think of, reminding him that he’s blaming him for a murder that he didn’t commit. Clay tosses and turns, shouts back, and when he wakes up covered in a thick layer of sweat, his hair matted to his forehead, he’s grateful to find that Justin is buried under his comforter, snoring lightly and turned away from the events that happened to him over the night.

And then the sleep stops.

Fitful nights centered around nightmares have turned to paralyzing fear, and sleep doesn’t come at all. He stares at the ceiling most of the night, the leaves from the tree just outside the window casting a shadow across his face, and when Justin’s alarm goes off, he slips out of bed and splashes water on his face until he feels more alive.

Justin notices after a few days.

“Did you sleep at all?” He asks, leaning against the doorway to the bathroom. When Clay doesn’t answer, Justin narrows his eyes. “You haven’t been sleeping, have you?”

“I’m asleep when you’re asleep,” Clay argues weakly. He runs his fingers through his hair, staring at him through the mirror. “I’ve been sleeping, Justin, you don’t have to worry about it.”

Justin sighs, crossing his arms over his chest. “Can Dr. Ellman prescribe anything? To help you sleep?” He pauses. “Wait, have you even talked to him about this?”

“Justin,” Clay sighs. He brushes past him, and after a moment, Justin relents.

He slips into the bathroom without another word, and for the first time since Justin’s been home, Clay’s grateful to have a moment to himself.

—

The pounding in his chest happens in the middle of the clubs fair in the cafeteria.

He doesn’t know how to stop it, doesn’t know how he stops seeing Monty or hearing his voice, and for the first time in a long time, he’s scared.

The football team has been taunting him. Using a phone that’s linked to Monty’s number to call him. They know Monty was set up, and for Clay, he thinks it’s only a matter of time before they unravel the whole Bryce mystery.

His phone’s been ringing nonstop. The voice is muffled, masked behind an auto voice to keep the identity hidden. He’s tried not answering, tried ignoring the calls and texts, but it never works.

They just call more.

This time they’ve told him to pick a fight with one of the football players. Clay refuses the request first, and then, after a threat, backtracks.

Because he turns to find Monty’s little sister being pressured by the football team, and before he can stop himself, he’s fighting Diego in the middle of the club fair in the cafeteria.

It’s not a match. Diego is stronger, has Clay on his back before Clay has a chance to fight back, and lands a punch to his eye.

Justin watches, lunging forward and pulling Diego off before moving Clay. “What the fuck were you thinking?!” He asks, pulling Clay to stand up. He stares at him, anger in his eyes, and then softens. “Clay, honestly, what the fuck.”

“That’s Monty’s sister,” Clay replies weakly. He presses his fingers to his eye gingerly, wincing at the tender skin. “They wouldn’t… they weren’t leaving her alone.”

Justin looks back to where Charlie is sitting with Estela, turning back to his brother. “Charlie was there protecting her,” He says. “What did you think was going to happen picking a fight with Diego and Luke?

“I was trying to protect her.”

“That’s not your job, Clay,” Justin says. “What’s gotten into you? You’re not sleeping, your phone rings non-stop. Why won’t you tell me what’s wrong?”

Clay stares through Justin, and then focuses. “It doesn’t matter,” He sighs, shaking his head. Bending down, he grabs his backpack and pulls it over his shoulder. “I’ll see you at home.”

Justin watches Clay leave the cafeteria, turning back to find Alex staring at him. “Do you know what the fuck that was?”

“No idea,” Alex offers, Justin sighing as he turns back to finish eating his lunch.

—

Justin doesn’t bring up his concerns for two weeks.

He watches Clay suffer through the nightmares or the not sleeping, he listens to the way he wiggles out of punishments with lame explanations to Matt and Lainie about what’s going on.

He contemplates going right to Dr. Ellman, expressing his concerns with him so he can bring it up in conversation the next time Clay has an appointment.

And then Clay has a breakdown after the school shooter drill.

Justin arrives to the main entrance when the lockdown is lifted just in time to see Clay immobilized on a stretcher, the school watching. Jess grabs his arm, but Justin breaks free, walking up towards the medics. “That’s my brother.”

“Justin, buddy,” Deputy Standall appears at his side, placing his hand on his shoulder, but Justin stares at the stretcher, his brother motionless. “Kid, come with me for a minute.”

“Clay needs me,” He mumbles, staring. He goes to take a step forward, and then stops.

“We’ll go see him in a minute, Justin. He’s okay, he’s going to be fine.”

Justin watches from the hallway as the medics load Clay into the ambulance, Deputy Standall’s hand reassuring on his shoulder. He can hear other police dispersing the crowd that’s gathered, Principal Bolan urging everyone back to class, but his feet don’t move.

“Come on, kid. I’ll take you home, okay?”

And so Justin nods, letting Deputy Standall guide him out to his car.

—

The psychiatric ward is sterile, the only traffic in the hallway being the nurses. Justin stands next to Matt, listening to Dr. Ellman speak about keeping Clay there, and when he can’t stand to hear anymore, wanders into Clay’s room.

He’s strapped to the table, immobilized. He stares at the ceiling, doesn’t acknowledge Justin or his words, and when he does turn away, Justin feels his heart break.

“I’m not crazy,” Clay mumbles, twisting underneath the restraints as best he can. “I’m just scared.”

“Yeah, me too,” Justin agrees, crossing his arms over his chest. He offers to stay with Clay for the day, isn’t surprised when Clay declines the offer, and tries desperately to put on a front when Matt and Lainie join them in the room.

When it’s time for them to leave, he drops a kiss to Clay’s forehead before being ushered out of the room by Matt and Lainie. As he sinks into the back seat and picks at the fraying on the strap of his backpack, he’s grateful that they don’t try to force a conversation.

—

Clay’s missing. And Foundry and Diaz think he must know something.

If Justin wasn’t so stressed out about it, he would laugh. Because the last time he saw his brother, he was strapped to a gurney, unable to do anything without a nurse helping him. And that would mean that either Clay broke free and walked past all nurses to leave, or he tricked them into letting him get up.

He saw Clay before he left the hospital that morning. He doesn’t think he was in his right mind to be able to trick anyone, let alone the nurses in the psych ward.

_You can come home. You’re signed out of school for the rest of the day._

Matt’s text is enough incentive to leave. He grabs his things, waits impatiently for the bell, and slips out the side door, walking the fastest route home.

“Justin, Clay didn’t call you or text you or anything, right?” Matt asks when Justin walks in the door. Officer Diaz stands at the table, giving Justin a polite smile for the second time that afternoon.

“No, he hasn’t,” Justin breathes, sinking into a chair at the table. “Like I told Officer Diaz at school, I have no idea where he could have gone, or where he would be. How does he just leave a psych ward?”

“We don’t know, honey,” Lainie sighs. She folds and unfolds her hands, chewing on the corner of her lip. “That’s what we’re trying to figure out.”

Justin nods, letting a beat of silence pass over them.

“I’ve been worried about him,” He breathes, looking between Matt and Lainie. “He… his mental health has been free falling for weeks. And I should have said something after I did the first time. When I realized it was more serious, even after he started seeing Dr. Ellman.”

Matt’s eyebrows knit in concern. “Justin, what do you mean?”

Justin shakes his head, staring at the table. “He… his nightmares are back. And he’s been freaking out about little things. He’s been on edge, picking fights with the football team, barely sleeping,” He explains. “He kept telling me that he had it under control, that he was talking to Dr. Ellman about it, that I was overreacting and everything was fine. And I believed him.”

He can’t bring himself to look at Matt and Lainie, feeling like he failed them. “I know I should’ve told you guys, but he told me he was doing better since being back in therapy, and I — I wanted to believe that I could trust him.”

“Justin,” Lainie sighs, sinking into the seat beside him. “Honey, this was not your burden to carry. You are also going through so much, you have your own things to worry about. Taking care of Clay is not your responsibility.”

“But I could’ve said something,” He mumbles, forcing himself to look up at her. “I could’ve told you what’s been happening at night, or urged him to talk to you guys. But I trusted that he would tell you guys, or that he would talk to Dr. Ellman and get it figured out.”

Lainie gives him a sympathetic smile. Reaching over, she rests her hands on his. “Justin, love, we don’t blame you. You are not Clay’s keeper, nor is it your responsibility to keep tabs on him and report everything back,” She assures him. “You had every right to trust that he would talk to us or Dr. Ellman.”

Justin nods, chewing on his lip. “Will we make sure he gets more help now? This has to stop, right?”

“Right,” Lainie confirms. “We’re going to speak with Dr. Ellman again, just as we did this morning. See about getting him more help or maybe even on medication, if we believe it’ll be beneficial,” She explains. “But we don’t want you to worry about this, okay?”

“Yes,” Justin nods, sinking back in the chair. “Should we be out looking for him?”

“We have patrol officers searching around town. We have no reason to believe he fled, but there is reason to believe that he would come home,” Officer Diaz explains. “So, for now, we’re all going to stay here.”

“But what if no one finds him?”

He watches Matt and Lainie share a glance, and Matt move to sit on the other side of him. “Then we’ll start a more intensive search,” He promises, his voice steady. “But right now we don’t believe Clay’s in danger because of someone else, and we don’t want to escalate things and potentially put Clay in a position where he would harm himself.”

Justin bites back the urge to fight back, nodding as he sinks in the chair. “What can I do?”

Lainie smiles. “For now, you can keep trying to call your brother, see if you can get an answer. He may respond to you.”

Digging his phone from his pocket, Justin nods. He texts Clay, doesn’t wait long enough for an answer, and then calls him.

Lainie and Matt allow the repetitiveness go on for almost an hour, helplessly watching Justin pace while they talk with police officers and call Dr. Ellman, and then Matt puts a stop to it.

“Let’s go for a walk,” He offers, resting his hand on Justin’s shoulder. “Take a little break.”

Justin opens his mouth to argue, and then relents. “Okay,” He nods, slipping his shoes on and following Matt out the front door, his phone left on the dining room table with Lainie.

—

Clay doesn’t know how he got here.

He doesn’t know how he’s standing on the front doorstep of Dr. Ellman’s home, hand hovering just above the door as he goes to knock.

He’s not even sure how he knew Dr. Ellman’s home address.

As it turns out, Dr. Ellman is just as surprised to see him standing on the other side of the door. “You’re not supposed to be here,” He replies simply, adjusting his robe.

“I know, I just…” Clay begins, taking a breath. “I don’t want to feel this way anymore. And I don't know how to make it stop.” Crossing his arms over his chest, he looks back at Dr. Ellman. “Can you please make it stop?”

Dr. Ellman gives him a sympathetic smile. “Wait here,” He says, stepping back. “We’ll go to my office, and we’ll talk.”

Clay nods, shifting between his feet until Dr. Ellman returns, the two of them driving to his office in silence.

—

Justin is ushered to bed when the clock nears 10, Matt and Lainie both offering him Clay’s old bedroom if he felt better being in the house with them.

But Justin politely declined, shoving is hands into the pockets of his sweatshirt. “If he comes home, maybe he'd just go to the outhouse. I’ll just sleep there,” He decides, bidding both of them goodnight and slipping out the back door.

The call comes over an hour later from Dr. Ellman, who lets them know that he’s at his office with Clay, who is safe. Lainie feels relief wash over her body, hugging her husband before both slip on their shoes and make their way back to the outhouse.

Justin’s asleep, buried under his comforter. Lainie almost lets him be, and then gently nudges his shoulder with her hand, smiling when he opens his eyes.

“Clay is safe and with Dr. Ellman,” She says quietly, brushing her fingers through his hair. “Matt and I are going to go pick him up and talk with Dr. Ellman. Do you want to stay here?”

Justin rubs his eye, nodding. “I don’t want to overwhelm him,” He mumbles, turning to look at both of them. “I’ll stay here and wait for him to come back.”

Lainie nods, leaning down to press a kiss to his forehead. “We’ll be back soon, sweetheart.”

They leave the outhouse quietly, and, when realizing that he wasn’t going to be able to sleep, flips on the light and attempts to focus on his book for English class while waiting impatiently.

—

Clay looks exhausted when he walks through the door, barely acknowledging Justin staring at him from his bed. He grabs his pajamas, slips into the bathroom, and when he returns and buries himself in his bed, Justin finds the courage to speak up.

“Clay, what the fuck?” He says, which he knows is the wrong way to approach this. “You scared the shit out of all of us today.”

From his bed, Clay sighs. “‘m not crazy,” He mumbles. He pulls down the blanket just far enough to be able to see Justin. “I don’t want to die, I just… I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know how to make it stop.”

Justin frowns. “Did you tell Dr. Ellman that?”

Nodding, Clay sighs. “I’m going to see him twice a week for now. We’re going to talk about medication if the more sessions don’t work.” Pausing, he breathes. “What if this is it? What if I’m just like this?”

“Don’t say that,” Justin refutes. “You’re going to get better. We’ll find something that works, and if Dr. Ellman doesn’t, then I’ll make Matt and Lainie find you a new therapist. Someone who makes all of this stop.”

From the light out in the backyard, Justin notices Clay’s shoulders relax. “Okay,” He nods, burying himself back under the blankets.

Justin waits until Clay’s breathing evens out before falling asleep on himself.

—

After two weeks of twice weekly therapy appointments, Dr. Ellman puts Clay on an antidepressant. He’s upset about it at first, begging his parents to give him more time, but Justin urges him to take it, to see if it helps.

It takes an adjustment period, but it does.

The sleeping gets better. Justin no longer wakes up in the middle of the night to find Clay wide awake staring at the ceiling. And on the nights sleep alludes Clay, Justin stays up with him watching movies or reading a book, just letting Clay know he’s there.

With Justin’s help, Clay is more open about how he’s feeling. Matt and Lainie are no longer helplessly left in the dark. Bad days are spoken about, encouraged to be voiced, and together as a family they start to dig through them.

They all have a long way to go. There’s more that needs to be learned, things that need to be fixed, lessons that need to be brought forth. But for now, based on where they were only a few weeks prior, it’s a huge step in the right direction.

And Clay has never been more grateful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have written and rewritten, edited, deleted and readded so many parts to this, but i had to stop myself eventually. i hope i did this justice! 
> 
> thank you guys so much for taking the time to read these/comment/leave kudos. i love the relationship between the jensens/clay and justin, and i'm so glad so many of you feel the same :) writing this has been so much fun.
> 
> i'll be back in a few days with another! <3 <3 <3


	8. Changes.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the Jensens make the decision to adopt Justin.

_“As a minor, he has to be released into custody.”_

_“We have been searching for Amber Foley for weeks, Your Honor. She’s nowhere to be found.”_

_“Keep looking. Until then, he’s remanded.”_

The exchange had been playing out in Lainie’s mind from the minute she left that courtroom, her promise to Justin that they were working on it echoing over top of the judge’s statements.

The truth was, she had exhausted all of her options. Any attempts to locate Amber had gone unsuccessful. The residence they had on file was vacated, or at the very least, no one had answered the door on numerous attempts. And even if they had, Lainie had now seen firsthand where Justin was living. She knew Amber Foley was a drug addict with a history of abusive boyfriends.

Could she, in good conscience, let a 17 year old with a history of drug abuse willingly go back into that environment?

To ease her own mind (and purely for research if anyone asked), Lainie spent the last few evenings refreshing her mind on the logistics of applying for emergency custody. It involved some paperwork, but most importantly, proof that the child is not safe to go back into their normal living environment. Solid proof is the most effective way to gain custody of a non-relative child, and for Lainie, she ironically thinks that might be the easiest part of the whole process in their case.

Convincing Matt and Clay? That’s a whole other story.

She prints out the forms needed, tucking them in a folder safe from where her husband and son could accidentally stumble upon them. Figuring it’d be better to go to Clay as a united front, Lainie decides to ask Matt first, waiting until Clay was with Tony one evening before bringing it up.

“What do you think about filing for emergency custody of Justin?”

Matt peers over the edge of his glasses, eyebrows furrowing. “Lainie, what?”

Sitting down on the opposite sofa, Lainie rests the folder on her lap. “Since he’s a minor, he can’t be released from prison until it’s into the custody of a legal guardian,” She explains. “We aren’t able to locate Amber Foley, and the judge requested that we keep looking for her rather than have him released to someone else.”

Matt sets his book down on his lap. “And how do we come into this?”

Lainie chews on her lip. “Matt, we both know that whether she’s able to be found or not, Amber Foley is not equipped to be a parent. She let Justin live homeless for months, didn’t care about his whereabouts, and is dating someone who has probably abused her son. It’s not an environment where Justin is going to thrive, especially just coming out of prison.”

Shifting, Matt sighs. “But love, how would we even go about this?” He asks. “Lainie, Amber is alive. This feels like we’re treading on a line we’re not meant to cross.”

“It’s obvious that Amber does not care about her son,” Lainie counters. “Emergency custody is temporary. It would give us the opportunity to have him released from jail, bring him to a stable home where he can adjust to being back in school and back in the normal world. With her being unable to be located, it would mean we wouldn’t have to have her sign the forms. The process in and of itself currently is relatively straightforward.”

“And what happens after?” Matt asks. “What happens if Amber shows up again, ready to sign over for custody of her son?”

Resigning, Lainie sighs. “We would have to petition for child services to look into Justin’s living arrangements, arguing on the basis that she is not fit to raise a child,” She explains quietly. “Amber is a drug addict, yes, but there’s been multiple CPS reports for Justin, and he’s only been taken from her custody once. As long as her drug tests showed up clean, the courts would most likely rule in her favor. Of course it’s not impossible that they’d hear our side, but I’d be afraid that luck wouldn’t be in our favor in that case.”

Leaning forward, Matt looks back at his wife. “Lainie, do you think you’re in over your head with this one? That maybe this isn’t something we should step into?”

“Why shouldn’t we?” She presses. “Matt, think about if that was Clay. What would you want to happen should we not be able to provide for him?”

Matt opens his mouth, and then stops himself from saying anything. He sighs, pulling his glasses into his hands. “I would want someone to step up and take him in should neither of us be able to.”

Lainie nods. “You don’t have to make the decision right now. But in this folder are the emergency custody forms. We can fill them out and file them as soon as we talk to Clay about this if we both agree.”

“And if Clay says no?”

“I don’t know,” Lainie breathes. She hadn’t thought about the possibility of Clay saying no, or even Matt for that matter. “I suppose we’d keep looking for Amber, and pray that she shows up and will sign Justin into her custody for now. We could offer him a place to sleep here if he ends up getting released, and if possible, look into emergency custody in other ways.”

There’s a beat of silence, and then tentatively, Matt reaches for the folder. “How long would the emergency custody last?”

He’s asking questions, a sign that he’s on the fence about this. Lainie keeps her composure, folding her hands in her lap. “The judge will grant a period of time. Usually it’s a few months at a time, enough to have the minor adjust to normal life again, in Justin’s case. There’s always an opportunity to have it extended should the biological parents still not be deemed fit.”

“And what happens after it expires and Amber still isn’t fit? Say they don’t give us the grant of having emergency custody longer for whatever reason.”

“If they still can’t locate Amber or if she’s not fit, he’d become a ward of the state,” Lainie sighs. “He’d legally be required to be sent to a group home, which we only have two in this county. Both options for a group home would mean he’d have to leave Liberty and start at a new school.”

Matt’s silent, nodding. He looks through the forms, reads over the sheet explaining emergency custody. Lainie waits patiently, ready for more questions, praying that he doesn’t shut her down immediately.

“If Clay agrees, then I think we sign him into emergency custody,” He says, looking back at his wife.

Lainie beams, standing up to kiss him. “Thank you,” She whispers, relief washing over her.

—

Matt and Lainie requested a family dinner to discuss emergency custody with Clay.

Given a few more days, Matt takes the time to read up on proceedings and forms and what will happen throughout the custody agreement. It overwhelmed him, but nothing filled him with worry quite like thinking about Justin becoming a ward of the state when the emergency custody expires.

They have evidence that Amber is an unreliable mother. It’s unrealistic for he or Lainie to be optimistic about her showing up and taking her son back into her custody, and that’s assuming she’s even fit to do so.

He googles about extending emergency custody, and then lands on adoption. Opening the information in a new tab, he promptly ignores it for the next hour.

He hovers over the tab more than once, ignoring it for an extended period of time further, and then forces himself to click it and read through it.

Adopting an almost legal adult is a little more difficult. But they have time on their side, with Justin being 17 for almost a whole year, and maybe that’s enough time to sort out the logistics.

So he waits until there’s a quiet moment between he and Lainie in the kitchen before bringing it up.

“Have you thought about adopting Justin? Just making him officially our son? Bringing him into our family permanently?”

Lainie, who had once been chopping carrots for the stew, quiets. He turns back from his spot at the counter, looking at her. “I just know that emergency custody is temporary, and the thought of him being homeless or becoming a ward of the state worries me. He’s been through so much, I dread to think about how he’d be if he had to deal with that as well.”

Lainie nods. She sets the knife down, reaching for a paper towel. “The thought crossed my mind,” She admits. “I can’t bear to even think about sending him back to Amber’s house should that ever become an option.”

“He needs a stable home,” Matt agrees. “He needs something in his life that’s not going to move or be swept out from under him.”

“Getting Clay to agree to emergency custody is going to be hard enough,” Lainie thinks out loud. “How do you think we’d get him to agree to adoption? Would he even want Justin as a brother? I don’t necessarily think they were the best of friends, Matt.”

“He was the one hiding him in his room,” Matt reminds her, smile tugging along the corners of his mouth. “I think we frame it as we are filing for emergency custody because Justin needs and deserves to be out of jail, but how does he feel about making him a permanent fixture in this family.”

Mulling it over, Lainie sighs. “I don’t want him to feel like we’re sabotaging him. That just because he brought Justin here doesn’t mean that we assumed he was okay with all of this.”

“Lainie, he pulled the kid off the streets,” Matt sighs. “He knows better than anyone that Justin needs a stable place to live.”

Lainie nods, reaching for the knife once more. “So emergency custody is definite, adoption is on the cards.”

Matt stands up straighter, nodding. “We’ll discuss adoption tonight instead.”

A solid plan that involves more serious conversations feels like the most progress in this ordeal, and Lainie can only hope it pays off.

—

“You want to… wait, what?” Clay asks. He pokes his fork in the stew, looking between both of his parents. “You want to adopt Justin?”

Lainie smiles, reaching for her wine. “We know that Justin doesn’t exactly have a stable home. We thought that since you brought Justin into our lives, you should be the one to make the decision on if we’re adopting him.”

“But if you’re going to file for emergency custody, is the adoption necessary?” Clay asks after a moment. He takes a bite of his dinner, sighing. “Justin is not the best guy. There’s a lot that you don’t know about him.”

“Maybe so,” Matt agrees. “But Clay, emergency custody is only temporary. And when that expires, Justin would become a ward of the state.”

“But he’d still be able to stay here,” Clay says. He pushes his fork through his stew as Lainie frowns. “So at least he would have a place to stay until we graduate.”

“Honey, he wouldn’t be able to stay here,” She sighs. “Once emergency custody expires and he’s turned over to the state, it’s mandatory that he live in a group home. Both group homes we have in the county would require him moving high schools.”

Clay nods. He takes another bite of dinner, reaching for his water. “I think this is one of the most idiotic ideas the two of you have ever had, for the record,” He points out. “I mean, wanting to adopt a kid who you know almost nothing about? Besides the fact that he is a recovering heroin addict who has a mom that doesn’t give a shit about him.”

Lainie chews on the corner of her lip. “Clay, I was part of the trial where Justin testified to not stopping or reporting the rape of his girlfriend,” She reminds him. “We are both aware that Justin has made mistakes in his life. We understand that he’s a recovering drug addict, that he may not be the nicest person to you all the time, but we also believe that he deserves the opportunity to have a safe and stable environment to live in.”

Sinking further down in his chair, Clay sighs. “Do I get time to think about it?”

“Of course,” Lainie nods. “We’re going to file for emergency custody in the morning, but you can have the time you need to think about if you’d like us to proceed with the adoption.”

Clay nods, grateful when Matt changes the subject for the rest of dinner.

—

The emergency custody filing takes a few weeks to be approved by the courts, although Lainie pressed to have it processed faster. She and Matt are granted custody after a quick hearing, and, once granted, were given a date that Justin could be released.

The same day as Hannah Baker’s memorial service.

“After Hannah’s service, I’m going to drive to county and have Justin released into my custody,” Lainie explains over breakfast, looking between her son and husband. “With everyone gathering at Monet’s after, if he’s feeling up to it, we’ll join you guys.”

Clay nods, taking a bite of pancakes. “I’ve been thinking about the whole adoption thing,” He announces, reaching for his orange juice. “And while I still think it’s a crazy idea, maybe it is a good one.”

He sighs, and then looks back to them. “So, I think maybe we should adopt Justin.”

Matt and Lainie share a smile. “If you’re absolutely positive.”

“I am,” Clay nods. “You’re right, Justin deserves a stable home. We can give him that. And maybe that will make him nicer.”

Clapping her hands together, Lainie leans back in the chair. “We’ll ask him tonight if he’d like that?”

“Actually, I think it should come from me,” Clay says, finishing the last of his breakfast. “Justin doesn’t like a lot of attention, and maybe with you two standing there he’ll feel pressured to say yes. He won’t feel like that with me.”

“If you’re sure,” Matt says after a moment. “But if he does say yes, we’d like to all talk about it tonight.”

Standing up from the table, Clay rolls his eyes. “Fine, whatever. If he says yes, we’ll talk about it.”

Matt and Lainie wait until Clay has disappeared back upstairs to get ready for the service before turning to each other. “We’re potentially gaining a child,” Matt breathes, the smile unable to dissipate from his face.

“This is a very good moment,” She agrees, accepting a kiss as Matt leaves to get ready himself.

—

As the memorial begins to wind down, Justin and Clay walk to the corner table where Matt and Lainie had been talking, both smiling.

Justin pushes his hands into his pockets, chewing on his lip. “Clay talked to me about the adoption,” He begins. His eyes dart from both of them to the floor, before landing back on them. “If you really are willing to do that, I would like to be adopted.”

Lainie is standing up before Justin has a chance to react, pulling him in for a hug. “Oh, love, we have never been more sure about this,” She promises. “We are so excited to officially make you part of this family.”

“Thank you,” He says, smiling when Matt extends his arms for a hug, willingly walking into them.

“There will be rules that come with being under our roof, but we can talk about those later,” Lainie explains. “For now, we’ll celebrate and talk about adoption proceedings and get you settled back in at home.”

Home.

Justin smiles at the thought of having a home that meant something to him. The permanence, the love and support he’s always admired in other families, but never thought he’d get to have.

But now, as they leave Monet’s as a family of four, Justin lets himself be hopeful. Hopeful that this can be permanent, that this will be the moment his life can change for the better.

—

The sofa tucked in the corner of Clay’s room feels familiar to Justin, who declines the pull out sofa in Matt’s office to sleep on instead.

It feels right, Justin thinks. Being back in this room, having Clay so close again.

Being out of jail.

The thought of being adopted had been running through his mind since Clay offered it up that afternoon. Initially, he thought it was a joke. He couldn’t fathom the thought of Clay or the Jensens wanting to make him a permanent fixture in their family.

But it wasn’t a prank. And judging by Matt and Lainie’s reactions when they found out he had accepted, he was pretty sure they were absolutely positive that having him in their lives was something that was meant to be.

Clay comes back from the bathroom, flipping off the light and climbing into bed. Justin listens to him settle, buries himself under the blankets provided by the Jensens when they realized he wasn’t going to take their offers of a bed for now, and takes a breath.

“Hey, Jensen?” He asks into the quiet of the room, chewing on his lip.

“Hm,” Clay hums. Justin stares at the ceiling, hearing Clay turn on his side to face him.

“Thanks for getting me off the streets,” He whispers. “And for agreeing to adopt me.”

There’s a beat of silence, and Clay shifts back to lay on his back.

“Of course, Justin,” He promises. “You deserve this.”

Justin nods, shifting.

He’s really trying to believe that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> after the angsty/serious one-shot last week, i figured it was time for a lighter one :)
> 
> thank you guys so much for reading/commenting/leaving kudos! i'll never stop being amazed at how much you guys like this story :) you're all the best omg i don't deserve you
> 
> more soon!! :) <3 <3 <3


	9. Adjusting.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Justin learns to accept help and trust the Jensens the longer he lives there.

Justin pushes his fork through his eggs, head resting in the palm of his hand.

He woke up feeling like there were bugs crawling across his skin. He ignored the t-shirt sticking to his body, clinging uncomfortably as if it had been a hundred degrees, and pushed himself out of his bed before Clay noticed anything.

If he just moved around and got the day started, he’d be fine. Being out of bed and having something to distract him would fix it.

It didn’t.

Matt placed his breakfast in front of him, smiling. Justin returned the gesture, took one bite, and swallowed his stomach flipping as nausea overcame him.

“Justin, honey, you’ve barely touched your food,” Lainie observes, setting her phone down. “Are you feeling okay?”

“‘m fine,” He mumbles, lifting his head to look at her. “Just not really that hungry right now. I can just take a granola bar or something.”

“He’s not fine,” Clay counters, taking his place at the table. He glances at Justin before turning back to his parents. “He spent half the night coughing, and the other half tossing and turning.” Noticing Justin’s glare, he shrugs. “You were restless, and I'm a light sleeper.”

Lainie’s frown deepens, reaching across to press the back of her hand to his forehead. “You have a fever, Justin,” She sighs, moving down to his cheeks. “You’re staying home from school today.”

“Lainie, I’m fine. I can go, I feel better.”

Lainie shares a glance with Matt as he joins them at the table, both turning back to Justin. “Justin, it’s okay to miss a day of school because you’re not feeling well,” He steps in. “I’ll stay home with you and we’ll chill out for the day, okay?”

“I don’t want you to have to miss work. I’ll be fine. Once I get there I’ll be fine.”

“I’m staying home with you, Justin,” Matt repeats, smiling. “You’re not an imposition.”

Justin nods, resigned, and sinks back into the chair. “Fine,” He says quietly.

He apologizes for not eating his breakfast, throwing it out and placing his dish in the sink before moving back to the outhouse to change back into clean pajamas.

By the time he returns Lainie is packing up her things to leave for court, turning back to smile at him. “I was just coming to check on you. Did you want to spend the day in here?”

“Sure,” Justin nods.

“Go get settled on the sofa. I’ll be there in a minute to check on you.”

Justin listens, dragging his feet to the sofa and burrowing down in the cushions. He curls in on himself, suddenly self conscious about being taken care of in ways that he hadn’t been before, and lazily tries to think of ways he could escape all this and just have everything go back to the way it was.

Before he can make any attempts to move, Lainie is covering him with a blanket. She presses a thermometer to his forehead, frowning. “Take these, it’ll help bring your temperature down,” She offers, holding out two pills and a glass of water. “Matt’s here, and he’s nursed Clay through plenty of fevers. You’re in good hands, love, I promise.”

Justin nods, swallowing. “Thank you,” He smiles as best he can, leaning back against the pillows again.

Lainie smiles, pushing her hands through his hair. “Get some sleep. I’ll let Matt know you took some medicine so he’ll know when to give it to you again. Text me if you need anything.”

Justin yawns, relaxing when Lainie kisses his forehead and leaves the room without another word.

—

The next time Justin wakes up he feels like there’s cotton lining his mouth and a dull ache behind his eyes.

He shifts, wincing at the aching with each movement, and collapses back onto the pillows, defeated. Reaching for his phone, he’s surprised to see that it’s lunch, hours having passed.

“Still not feeling great?” Matt asks, appearing in front of him. He leans down, carefully touching his forehead before handing him some water. “You slept a few hours.”

“Feel worse,” Justin offers, being met with a frown from Matt. “Can I have more pills?”

“Sure,” Matt nods. “Do you think you can stomach anything? We have soup in the kitchen and I’d feel better if you have some food in your stomach before I give you more medicine.”

Contemplating, Justin hesitantly nods. “I could try.”

Matt smiles, turning back to the kitchen and returning a while later with a bowl of soup. “You up for a movie?”

“Don’t you have to work?” Justin asks, pulling himself to sit up before he takes the bowl.

“My students and colleagues know I’m out for a family matter, I don’t need to be tied to my computer,” He explains, smiling. “Besides, Clay tells me that you have movies you need to catch up on.”

Justin rolls his eyes, taking a sip of the soup. “He’s mad I never sat and watched the _Star Wars_ movies.”

“He’s mad because you don’t get his references,” Matt clarifies, smiling. “Want to watch one?”

Justin nods, letting Matt turn on the movie. He eats slowly, finishes half the bowl before giving up, and watches the movie.

It’s not horrible, he decides, blinking slowly in an effort to stay awake. Matt offers insight when he gets lost, and when it ends, he smiles and turns the TV off. Walking over, he hands Justin two pills and picks up his bowl. “Get some sleep. I’ll be in my office if you need me.”

Justin nods, calling for Matt as he goes to leave the room. “Can we watch the next one later?”

Matt smiles. “Of course. Clay will be thrilled you want to watch more.”

Justin smiles, curling back under the blankets and succumbing to the sleep in hopes he’ll feel better.

—

“He’s had a fever all day. I gave him more medicine at lunch, we watched a movie, and he’s been asleep since.”“And you got him to eat something?”

“He ate about half a bowl of soup. I didn’t push for more, I figured he’d tell me if he wanted it.”

Lainie sighs, sitting down on the edge of the sofa Justin isn’t occupying and feeling his forehead. “He still feels too warm.”

“If he doesn’t get better by tomorrow, then we will make him a doctors appointment or take him to urgent care,” Matt concedes. “But I think we need to give him 24 hours at the very least to see if he feels any better.”

Lainie clicks her tongue, brushing Justin’s hair back from his face. “Fine,” She relents.

Justin stirs under her touch, twisting before blinking his eyes open. Lainie gives him a calm smile, soothing him. “Hi, love,” She says quietly. “How are you feeling?”

Justin takes a minute, blinking awake and looking around. Sighing, he reaches for his water clumsily, relieved when Lainie helps. “Not great,” he admits, taking a sip. “I feel like there’s ants crawling all over me. And everything hurts.”

Lainie frowns. “Does it feel hard to breathe?” Justin shakes his head. “Do you feel nauseous?” Another shake. “This might be the flu, sweetheart.”Justin frowns, leaning back against the pillow. “I’ll be fine to go to school tomorrow,” He says, and then twists to sit up. “I’m going to make myself a snack. I’ll feel better once I’m moving and eat something.”

Lainie stops him, resting her hand against his chest. “You need to rest, love. Let us take care of you."

“I’m okay, really, Lainie,” Justin tries again. “You’ve done enough, more than I’ve ever had. But I can take care of myself now.”

“Justin, honey, you’re not okay,” She reminds him gently. “I know this isn’t necessarily something that you are accustomed to, but in this house you don’t have to take care of yourself when you’re not feeling well. Understand?”

“Are you sure? I could make my dinner, or —“

“None of that, Justin,” Matt smiles. “We’ll make you some food when you feel up to it, all you have to do is rest and let us know what you need."

Reluctantly, Justin nods. He watches as Lainie stands up, buries himself under the blanket further, and welcomes the cool washcloth being pressed to his forehead. Lainie’s smile is soothing and reassuring as she sits with him for a moment, finger brushing against his cheek.

“That should help with the fever, love. Think you can leave it for a few minutes?”

“Yes,” Justin nods, relieved. Lainie smiles, wipes the washcloth down to his cheeks and back across his forehead, and as he begins to nod off she leaves a kiss to his cheek, disappearing back into the kitchen.

—

On the second day, Justin somehow wakes up feeling worse.

It feels like his body is being weighed down by lead, opening his eyelids feels like a chore, and when Clay asks him if he’s okay, he doesn’t even think he answered.

Which is why he really shouldn’t be surprised when Lainie walks into the outhouse, flinching when she rests her hand on his forehead. “I’m going to take the day off and we’re going to urgent care,” She decides.

“Lainie, no,” Justin immediately refuses. It was bad enough he wasn’t going to be able to drag himself to school, he couldn’t let them take care of him more than they already have. “I’m fine, I just… I think I just need to sleep it off.”

Lainie frowns. “Your fever is higher today. You need to see a doctor. You could need medication, Justin. And I’d rather catch whatever this is early.”

Justin, who realizes he has no argument, sighs. “Okay, but after that will you let me do something around the house?”

The corners of Lainie’s mouth twitch, a hint of a smile flashing quickly. “We’ll talk about it,” She decides. “Get up and change into different sweats and a t-shirt. We’ll leave when you’re ready.”

“Can I take medicine before we go?” He asks, leaning up on his elbows.

Lainie turns back, chewing on her lip. “Not right now, okay? Let’s wait and see what the doctor says,” She says, ignoring the disappointment on his face. “I’ll bring some medicine with us, and if the doctor doesn’t give you antibiotics, you can take it as soon as we get back to the car.”

It’s a compromise Justin agrees to, dragging himself out of bed to change and leave with Lainie.

—

Justin's diagnosed with a chest infection. He’s prescribed antibiotics to help ease the discomfort, sent home with strict orders to rest, and Lainie almost feels relieved that they know what's going on.

Until they get home and Justin positions himself at the counter in the kitchen, announcing that he was going to make soup for himself, although it’d just be out of a can because he doesn’t think he’s up to following one of Matt’s recipes right now.

“Justin,” Lainie sighs. “Sweetheart, I will make you soup. You need to go lay down.”

“Lainie, I —“

“Sweetheart, I understand that you didn’t have someone there to take care of you when you were younger,” Lainie says. She’s careful with her words, leading him to lay on the sofa. “I understand that you took care of yourself and you made your own food, but when you’re not feeling well in this house, you let people take care of you,” She explains.”

“I just feel bad.”

“Don’t feel bad for receiving the care you should’ve always received,” She smiles. Brushing her hands through his hair, she settles next to him. “I know it's hard, I know you have to learn to trust, but love, we are going to take care of you, and there’s nothing that you need to do in return.”

Sinking into the pillows, Justin nods.

“I’ll make you some soup and bring you a cool washcloth. You can have some medicine after, and then, if you want, there's popsicles in the freezer.”

“Okay,” Justin nods.

“No one should have to take care of themselves when they’re not feeling well,” She reminds him. “And even when you’re old and you move out, I will be there to take care of you when you need it.”

Justin laughs, nodding as he reaches for the blanket and pulls it over him.

He and Lainie watch a movie and eat soup together, and while it still feels uncomfortable and wrong in some ways, Justin lets himself be cared for.

—

Matt and Lainie alternate staying home with Justin for the next four days. He attempts to make his own meals, clean around the house and put his dirty clothes that he’s been living in through the wash, but is met with a firm denial each time.

He and Matt watch more _Star Wars_ , with Matt eagerly answering all questions he has and reporting back to Clay with updates on how far they are and Justin’s thoughts.

He and Lainie watch HGTV together, marveling in home remodeling and idly talking about what they would do if they could redo the home the show had been working on.

His diet consists of broth and popsicles, and for as horrible as he felt those days, he never once felt like he wasn't loved.

His fever breaks in the middle of the night, and Clay, who had been watching from afar at Justin's marvel of being taken care of, gets him through it. He hands him washcloth after washcloth, sits up with him as he sweats out the fever, and forces him to drink water when he feels like he can’t.

“You’re doing good, Justin. Just relax,” He remembers Clay saying, helping him pull his t-shirt off and pushing a bottle of water into his hands. “Drink some of this. I’ll get you another Gatorade.”

And so Justin obliges, collapsing back on the pillows when he finally feels almost normal.

“Want to go shower? I’ll help you inside.”

Justin shakes his head, looking back at his brother. “Don’t want to wake your parents. I’ll be fine for a few hours.”

Clay nods reluctantly, and when Justin is ushered out of bed so Clay can change the sheets for him, he doesn’t argue or try to help. He just lets it be.

The first day the fever breaks they go on a walk as a family, and while Justin knows that he’s not going to just trust the Jensens to take care of him, he's glad that he has them in his life at all.

He doesn't know where he’d be without them.

________________________________________________

Justin came into their home from the streets.

Lainie knew this, played it through her mind multiple times a day. But it was hard to fathom, especially given how well adjusted he seems.

A boy younger than Clay had lived on the streets for months, his mother not knowing his whereabouts, and did nothing to find him.

She couldn’t perceive the thoughts she would have running through her mind if Clay ran away. And logically, she knew that Justin was safer on the streets than he was with his mom. Closer to drugs and probably earning money in ways that hurt her heart to think about, but he wasn’t in a home that was filled with abuse.

He came to them with the clothes on his back and one other pair of clothes in his gym bag. Smaller than Clay, he had been getting by wearing some of Clay’s old clothes to school and out with his friends. It worked, but on the first weekend after receiving temporary custody when Justin was released from juvie, she found herself at the department store with a bewildered 17 year old, who would’ve rather have been anywhere but there.

“I’m really okay with wearing Clay’s old clothes, Mrs. Jensen. It’s not a problem,” He tries again, pulling a shirt off the sale rack and holding it in his hand.

Lainie frowns, shaking her head. “Justin, honey, you need and deserve some clothes of your own,” She says easily, holding up a t-shirt. He nods, chewing on his lip.

Lainie recognizes the signs of anxiety in the same ways she recognizes it in Clay. Justin follows her down the aisles, shakes his head to most things she holds up when he realizes how expensive they are, and studies the way he chews on the corner of his lip and folds his hands together, holding some clothes in his arms.

“Let’s buy this stuff now, and then we’ll go get a snack,” She offers, smiling when Justin looks relieved and agrees.

She lets Justin wander away while she pays, recognizing that he doesn’t want to know how much she spent, and then leads him to the food court where they buy pretzels and soda and sit at a table tucked in the corner.

“I’m sorry, Justin, I know this isn’t your ideal day,” She says, breaking off a piece of her pretzel.

Justin shrugs. “It’s okay,” He sighs. “I know you like, you say this is necessary.”

“You deserve to have clothes that are just yours. Not just Clay’s old clothes or his clean clothes that he’s not wearing.”

“I have a few clothes from before.”

Lainie nods. She takes a sip of her soda, looking back at Justin. “Justin, honey, has no one every bought you new clothes?”

Justin shifts uncomfortably. “I… when I was little, yeah, I think,” He offers. “But my mom… she doesn’t have much money, and clothes were never a priority over food or paying bills. So sometimes I’d get things from Goodwill, and then… Bryce would give me clothes. His old ones, things he didn’t want to wear anymore.”

Lainie sighs, watching him. “I’m so sorry, Justin. That you didn’t have the resources when you were younger. And I know that maybe that isn't the right thing to say, but I want you to know that all of that changes now.” She waits until Justin nods. “Anything you need, you need to let Matt or I know. Your are our son, official or not. And we want to be able to give you things that you need, or even things that you want.”

“But Clay has clothes that I can wear.”

“Yes, and you can continue to wear them,” She promises. “You deserve to be able to choose clothes that you want to wear, not necessarily clothes that Clay chose. Do you understand?”

Reluctantly, Justin nods. “Yeah, I do.”

Smiling, Lainie finishes the last of her pretzel. “Do you think we can handle one more store? Get a few more things? Then I promise we’ll go home and you can hang out with Clay and away from me.”

Justin laughs. “Sure, one more store,” He agrees, taking her trash and throwing it out for her. “And Mrs. Jensen? Thank you.”

Lainie smiles, walking up to him and brushing her hands through his hair. “Always,” She whispers, leading him into another store.

It’s going to take time, Lainie thinks, but she’s willing to work at it for however long that is, wanting Justin to realize how loved and wanted he is as part of their family.

________________________________________________

Matt’s the first one to notice the habit.

Justin, who was borderline underweight and managed to lose even more throughout his time in juvenile detention, was usually eager for food. Matt and Lainie caught him sneaking snacks multiple times a day, guided him towards healthy snacks and habits, which Justin is grateful for.

But mealtimes are different. Justin is always eager to hear what they’re having, eats Matt’s new recipes and innovations with enthusiasm and relative ease, bypassing Lainie and Clay’s politeness when trying the meals that were definitely deemed a failure.

But he never cleared his plate.

Matt would watch the younger boy, who would eat half the meal as if he had never seen food before in his life, and then politely ask if he could save the rest. Lainie always obliged, reminded him where the containers were, and didn’t think much of it.

But Matt, who thrived on taking next steps based on information, spent his time researching neglected and abused kids and relationships with food.

“Justin’s rationing his food,” He says one night after he and Lainie retired to bed, Matt pouring through another literature book while Lainie refreshes her mind on a brief. He sets his book down, looking at his wife. “I’ve spent the last few days doing extensive research, and I know that it sounds crazy, but he never finishes his meals, he always asks to save them, and it’s rare he eats the leftovers. It’s almost like it’s a…security blanket. Like he knows they’re there in case he needs them.”

Lainie closes the lid of her laptop halfway. “How did you come to this conclusion?”

“Lain, Justin comes from a neglectful and abusive background. It’s very likely there were times he didn’t know where his next meal was coming from, or even when it would come. We have a variety of healthy snacks, and of course he could have always had access to snacks at school or from friends. But meals? Lainie, he probably didn’t — that’s most likely not something that was always guaranteed for him.”

Lainie takes a breath, letting the information sink in. It makes sense, given what Matt’s said and the habits Lainie’s observed.

She’s more upset that she hadn’t noticed. Didn’t even give it a thought as to what Justin had been doing.

“How do we approach talking about this?”

Beside her, Matt sighs. “I’m not sure,” He decides after a minute. “I think the best way is to ask him to stay and talk to us after dinner. Clay shouldn’t be there, it’s probably going to be embarrassing for Justin and he doesn't need the added eyes.”

Lainie nods in agreement. “We reassure him that food will always be available,” She thinks out loud, opening up her laptop and googling ideas as to how to get their points across. “Some people have said that giving their child a designated drawer in the fridge, or reassuring them that there will always be food available to them proved to be beneficial.”

Matt nods. He pulls his glasses off, tapping them against his cheek. “What if we took him and let him pick out instant dinners? Keep them in the freezer, that way he knows that there’s always a meal there for him,” He offers. “We can let him pick mac and cheese or pasta or any other sort of dinner that he wants and let him have those in the house. Even if they’re unhealthy.”

“I like that,” Lainie nods. “I just don’t want him to feel that we’re diminishing his feelings. I know this is difficult for him, I know he’s gone through so many transitions, but we just want to help.”

“We need to just be honest and make him feel safe and secure, and if he gets upset we need to understand that he has to unlearn a lot of habits.”

Lainie chews on her lip, reaching for her husband’s hand. “So we do this tomorrow?”

“Yes,” Matt nods. He squeezes, leaning over and kissing his wife. “It will be fine, don’t worry.”

—

“Justin, honey, can you stick around for a minute?” Lainie asks, letting Clay leave to go back to the outhouse before they turn back to Justin. “We just want to talk to you about something. You’re not in trouble, we promise.”

Justin nods, sliding back into his chair. “What’s going on?”

Lainie shares a glance with Matt, who takes control of the conversation. “We’ve noticed that you like to eat half your dinner and save the rest,” He approaches carefully. “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you not eating all of your dinner or wanting to save food for the next day, but buddy, we want to make sure you’re eating enough.”

When Justin doesn’t answer, Lainie speaks up. “Justin, did you always know where your next meal was going to come from growing up? Or were you always guaranteed three meals?”

“No,” Justin sighs. He traces his finger across the grain of the table, staring. “I ate a lot of expired dinners. Or at Bryce’s. Or just… not at all.”

“Okay,” Lainie nods. Her heart shatters, taking a breath as she looks at him. “We want you to know that you don't have to worry about food here, okay? There is always going to be three meals. You can buy lunch at school, or I’ll pack one for you if you’d like that better.”

Justin shifts. “I know. Thank you.”

Matt rests his hands on the table. “We also know that this habit doesn't just break because we promised you three meals a day,” He says, earning a smile from Justin. “So, would it make you feel better if we went out and let you buy some frozen meals, dinners to keep in the pantry or freezer, so that you always know that even in the off chance we don't make dinner, you have something here. Something that you know how to make that’s still a meal.”

“Yes,” Justin nods. “I think… I think that would probably help.”

Matt and Lainie smile. “And if they expire, we throw it out, yes? We’ll help you with this, but Justin, eating anything expired can make you very sick. It’s not bad to throw things out when they’re out of date.”

“Okay,” He nods. His cheeks are tinged with red, and he takes a breath. “Thank you.”

“Always, buddy,” Matt promises. “We can go shopping this weekend, pick out a few things you want in the house that can be just yours, and put them where you know they’ll always be.”

“But for now, would you like to eat the rest of your dinner that you saved?”

Finally looking up to meet both of their gazes. “Please,” He nods.

Lainie nods, moving to stand and reheat it, and Matt drops a kiss to Justin's head. “We love you, kiddo. We just want you to be safe and feel safe with us.”

“I do,” Justin promises, and when Lainie sets his plate back in front of him and kisses his forehead, he’s pretty sure it’s the most love he’s ever had in his life over the simplest thing.

________________________________________________

“Justin doesn't like when people raise their voices, or when they come too quickly towards him,” Clay explains one night idly while Justin’s showering. “He doesn't talk about his home life, but Jess said there was abuse or whatever.”

“There was abuse in his life,” Lainie confirms. “And we understand, Clay. Thank you for telling us. We will keep that in mind when we’re having conversations.”

Clay shrugs, sinking back into watching the movie until Justin joins them, when they proceed to toss popcorn at each other and act scarily like siblings that Lainie almost wonders if they deprived Clay of this for the first 17 years of his life, or if they should’ve had another kid.

—

Matt doesn’t mean to raise his voice. He doesn't mean to let the moment get the best of him, to get frustrated that Clay is lying and Justin is sitting there not saying anything, but it happens.

He rests his hands against the table too roughly. His voice raises, frustrated. Justin flinches, curling in on himself, and immediately begins apologizing.

A reflex.

Matt glances at Lainie, wide-eyed, but Clay steps in.

“Justin, hey, look at me,” He begins. He holds his hand out, just in the line of Justin’s gaze, and Justin takes it. “Can you look at me?”

Justin lifts his head just far enough to look at Clay.

“Okay, good,” He nods. “Listen to me. Dad is mad at me, not you. But even if he were mad at you, he would _never_ hit you. Understand?”

Justin nods frantically. His breath hitches, chewing on the corner of his lip.

“Take a breath. Relax your muscles. You’re fine, it’s fine,” Clay says. He doesn’t let go of Justin’s hand, waits until he relaxes and leans back against the chair, and stares at his lap.

“Can I go to Clay’s room?”

“Of course, honey,” Lainie says, watching as Justin leaves the room, footsteps drifting until they hear Clay’s door shut quietly.

“How did you know what to do?” Lainie asks, turning back to Clay. “Helping him like that.”

Clay shrugs. “It happened a few other times. I don’t know, I just basically talk until he responds. I’m not sure any of it works.”

“It does,” Matt confirms. He rubs his temples, sighing. “I need to apologize to him. And make it very clear that I am going to do better and he will never have to worry about me hitting him.”

Clay nods. “Just give him some space. An hour or two.”

“Go be with him,” Lainie says. “We’ll talk more about your punishment later.”

Lainie turns back to Matt, sighing. “It’ll be okay,” She promises. “We just have to keep working at it.”

Matt nods, words escaping him. Lainie kisses the top of his head, moving to finish the dishes.

—

Hovering at the door of Clay’s room, Matt takes a breath. He can hear both boys talking quietly, and after a moment of almost convincing himself this conversation can wait until morning, he knocks on the door.

“Justin, buddy, can we talk?” He asks when Clay opens the door.

Justin chews on his lip. “Can Clay stay?”

“Of course,” Matt nods. He sits on Clay’s desk chair, doing his best to mask his disappointment that Justin no longer trusts him.

“Justin, I shouldn’t have raised my voice, or slammed my hands against the table the way that I did,” He begins. “It was wrong of me to get so worked up over something the way that I did.”

“It’s okay,” Justin mumbles. He picks at a string on his pants. “I know you didn’t mean it.”

“But that doesn’t make it okay,” Matt clarifies. “Justin, you shouldn’t feel scared in your own home. We don’t want you to ever feel unsafe or scared in this house.”

Justin nods again. “Thank you, Mr. Jensen,” He says, forcing himself to look up at him. “You don’t… I don’t feel unsafe here. I never have.”

“I’m glad, buddy,” He nods. “But I’m going to do better to not startle you or make you feel like I’m going to hurt you. I will never lay my hands on you, and it is not okay for anyone to touch you without your consent. Whether they live in this house or not.”

Justin nods. He pulls the string harder, staring back at his lap. “Seth used to choke me,” He says. Matt looks to Clay, who shakes his head and shrugs. “He pushed me against the wall and held me there by the neck until I almost passed out. A few times, actually. And he’d always come at me suddenly. It’s why… it’s why I didn’t like you slamming your hands on the table or leaning forward like that. Because he’d lunge at me the same way.”

Justin takes a breath. “I know that you guys won't hurt me. I know that you’ll never choke me or lay your hands on my, but I just… my brain needs time to figure that out, too.”

“You will have all the time you need, but we are never going to stop reminding you, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Can I come sit on the edge of the bed?”

Justin looks up, nodding. He watches Matt, moves his legs for him to sit, and forces himself to keep eye contact.

“Justin, I am so sorry for what Seth did to you. And I know there’s probably more that you dealt with, but it was brave of you to tell Clay and me about what you experienced in the past.”

“You deserved an explanation. As to why I get so scared.”

“We don’t deserve anything,” Matt replies firmly. “Justin, you are not obligated to tell us anything you’re not ready to share unless that information puts you in immediate danger.”

“Even to explain why I’m the way that I am?” Justin asks.

“Even then,” Matt nods. “You tell us things on your own time, when you’re ready. If you want to tell only Clay, he is not obligated to tell us unless you want him to, or if he thinks you’re in immediate danger.”

“Okay,” Justin nods. He sinks back against the pillows. “Thank you,” He replies, almost relieved as to how the conversation went.

“Always, Justin,” He nods. He stands up, looking between both of his boys. “Get some sleep, both of you. Love you.”

Both boys chorus a love you back, and quietly Matt shuts the door, retreating to his own bedroom.

“We’re going to figure this out, right?” He asks, changing for bed and climbing in next to his wife. “Justin will adjust, things will get better, everything will be okay?”

“Yes,” Lainie nods. She leans over, kissing her husband. “We’re going to figure this out, and Justin will grow more comfortable and adjust. We just need time.”

_Time._

That was something tangible. Something that could compute in Matt’s mind.

With time, they would be okay. Justin would adjust, learn to trust them, learn to allow them to help.

With time, their family of four will be so solid that Matt will wonder how this hasn’t been a thing for 17 years. How it was so new now.

He could give them time. He could give his family all the time in the world, as long as it took. His patience was unwavering, and he was willing to show them all of that.

He just wanted all of them happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys for reading/commenting/leaving kudos! if there's ever a scene/moment you felt like was missing from the show, let me know and i'll see what i can do about writing it! 
> 
> you guys are the best, i'm so glad you're enjoying these :)
> 
> see you in a few days <3 <3 <3


	10. Amber.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the three times Justin attempts to visit Amber.

“Could we look into seeing my mom?”

It’s the first thing Justin asks when he returns home from school that afternoon, hovering in the doorway of the dining room where Lainie’s working, backpack still on.

In hindsight, Lainie feels like maybe she and Matt should have seen this day coming.

While Amber didn’t show up for the adoption hearing, or custody agreements, or really anything that pertained to Justin and his wellbeing, Justin still had a deep relationship with his mother and wanting to know that she was okay.

So, swallowing her pride and going against what she really wanted to do, Lainie nods. “We’ll get in touch with her and see if we can set up a meeting.”

Justin nods, holding onto the straps of his bag. “Maybe we could meet for lunch or something,” He says, gesturing to nothing in particular. “And you and Matt don’t have to come or anything, I’ll be fine, I just… I know what happened last time with me sneaking around and going to see her and I didn’t want to go behind your back again.”

Lainie glances up from the brief set in front of her, sighing. “While I’m glad that you didn’t go behind our backs and see your mother without our knowledge again, I think we’ll have to discuss the parameters with Matt,” She decides, looking at him. “I trust you, but I’m not sure that I want you alone with your mother quite yet.”

Justin’s shoulders fall. “Maybe you just come the first time or two? And then when you see things are fine, you’ll be able to let me go alone?”

He sounds hopeful, giddy almost, and Lainie struggles with feeling like she’s going to let him down.

“Love, we’ll discuss the implications later, I promise you,” She says. “But your mother has proven to be unreliable, and I’m not sure that you being alone with her yet is a good idea. I don’t want you to get your hopes up about that ever being a possibility.”

“Okay,” Justin nods, and while he does his best to mask the deflation that falls over him, Lainie feels horrible about the entire time she finishes up her work for the afternoon.

—

Miraculously, Justin doesn’t bring it up again until after dinner.

He waits until Clay’s in the shower before walking back into the house himself, finding Matt and Lainie sitting in the front room reading.

“Can we talk about my mom now?” He asks quietly, moving to sit down next to Lainie when they both nod, setting their books down.

“Lainie told me you’d like to see her,” Matt begins, leaning forward. “We understand your desire to see her, Justin. We don’t want to prohibit you from making that happen, but we also want to make sure that we’re protecting you and your wellbeing.”

“I’ve seen her in pretty bad shape,” Justin counters immediately, no hesitation. “It wouldn’t like — it’s not anything new for me to see her if she’s not doing well or whatever.”

Matt and Lainie share a look. “We understand that you didn’t always see her when she was healthy, and that maybe she didn’t provide or take care of you the way that she should have. But that doesn’t mean we want you to see her like that now, should she still be struggling,” Matt offers.

“We know this makes us seem mean or horrible, or that we don’t understand your desires and your willingness to see her in any state, but we want to protect you. Your mental health matters,” Lainie says. She goes to reach out and rest her hand on his leg, and then stops herself.

“I just want to know that she’s okay. That Seth — or anyone else — hasn’t hurt her or anything,” Justin says quietly. He stares at his lap, picking at his fingers. “But I understand. That you don’t want me hurt or in danger or whatever.”

“We have Amber’s contact information. We’ll set up a time to go to lunch, make it clear that Matt or I will be there with you and you are not to meet with her unsupervised, and we’ll go from there.”

Justin nods, leaning back. “Will it ever be able to be unsupervised?”

“Maybe,” Lainie sighs. “Justin, we’ll have to take this on a case by case basis. If this goes well and she has a string of visits where she’s sober and in a good place, then sure, we’ll explore you having unsupervised visit with her. But for now, it needs to be supervised.”

“Okay,” He agrees.

“And Justin, love,” Lainie begins again. This time she doesn’t hesitate, reaching out to rest her hand on his knee. “There’s a chance that she could say no to wanting to see you. And if that happens, it’s okay to be angry and upset that she’s let you down again. But we don’t want you to shut us out if that happens. We want you to know that you can talk to us about how you’re feeling, no matter the outcome of this request.”

“I do feel like I can talk to you guys,” Justin replies. “Thank you, really.”

He stands up, hugging them both, and retreats back to the outhouse before Clay can come down from his shower to snoop on what’s going on.

—

To Matt and Lainie’s surprise, Amber has agreed to meet with Justin, and has requested for it to happen that weekend.

Justin is overjoyed, thinking about what he wants to tell his mom, the fears he once had about her wellbeing now all but gone. Matt and Lainie indulge Justin, listening to his plans to talk about how he’s back playing football and his grades are getting better and he’s probably going to graduate on time, and then his memories of when times were good with his mom.

Lainie gives him a smile, tells him that they’re very excited to meet Amber, that it’s going to be a great thing for him provided things go well, and holds her own comments until it’s just she and Matt in the kitchen putting the rest of the dishes away.

“Are we doing the right thing?” She asks, reaching into the cabinet to put the plates away. “He’s so excited, but you and I both heard Amber on the phone. She didn’t seem — it didn’t sound like a mother who was in the right frame of mind.”

Beside her, Matt sighs. “I don’t know,” He admits. “But I know that we can’t go on voice recognition alone. We haven’t really heard Amber speak, that may just be her normal inflection,” He counters. “We’re going to be there, and if we feel she’s not doing well or Justin is in danger, then we’ll leave, whether Justin agrees with us or not. Simple as that.”

There’s a beat of silence, and as Matt hands Lainie a wine glass, he smiles. “I would feel much better doing it this way rather than him sneaking around behind our backs again.”

“Me too,” Lainie admits. “I just don’t want him to be upset if this goes horribly.”

“If it goes horribly, we’ll be there with him and we’ll support him just as we always have,” He assures her, pressing a kiss to her temple as they put the last of the dishes away.

________________________________________________

**Visit #1**

They meet at a diner halfway between the Jensen’s house and Justin’s old neighborhood. Both Matt and Lainie accompany him, sitting in a booth near Justin as he waits for his mom to show up.

Lainie watches her son check his phone a few times.

And then stare at the sugar packets and the menu.

And then check his phone again.

“At what point do we decide she’s probably not coming and leave?” Lainie asks quietly, looking back at her husband. “My heart is breaking watching him sit there waiting.”

Matt checks his watch. “We’ll give it five more minutes, and then we’ll leave.”

But five more minutes turns into ten, and just as Lainie goes to grab her purse and rescue Justin from the heartbreak he inevitably was going to be feeling, Amber walks in.

Lainie taps her fingers against the table, grabbing Matt’s attention, and nods towards Justin.

Amber seems fine, at least from afar, Lainie decides. Justin’s smiling leaning forward and talking with his mother animatedly, and for a moment, Lainie relaxes.

As Justin watched Amber sit down and smile at her son, he fights the urge to reach out and take her hand. “I’m glad you came, Mom.”

“It’s been so long, Justin,” She replies, looking back at him. “Oh, my baby. You look good.”

“I’m sober. Almost five months,” Justin replies. He’s proud of it, but judging by his mom’s frown and narrowing of her eyes, he’s not sure she feels the same way.

“Did you get sent away? To rehab?”

Justin nods. “For almost a month. To help me get clean in a healthy way and cope with living life sober.”

“And it worked?” She asks, disbelief masked behind her words.

Justin leans back, deflating slightly. “I mean, yeah. I’m also seeing a therapist. And that helps a lot, but especially when I feel like it’s bad or I’m not doing well,” He explains. “The Jensens are really great at being supportive and listening to what I need.”

Amber scratches at her arm. Justin notices the new track marks, and instinctively chews on his lip. “Nice that you got a fucking rich family to adopt you, huh,” She replies. “They can afford all that bullshit. It never worked for me, and if success runs in the family, I don’t think it will work for you either.”

“Just because it didn’t work for you doesn’t mean that it won’t work for me,” Justin defends, crossing his arms over his chest. “You didn’t let it work for you. Every time you got out of rehab you were running back to your junkie boyfriends and letting them get you fucked up again. You kept putting us in fucking dangerous situations. You didn’t _try_ , Mom.”

Justin tries to keep his voice down, tries to control his emotions, but Amber doesn’t seem to notice. She thanks the waitress, eats her food, and looks back at her son. “I’m glad you found a family who apparently is so much better than I was,” She finally says.

“I gave birth to you. I raised you, I’m the one who got you to school and put you in sports and provided you with everything you needed. Not all of my boyfriends were bad.”

Justin knows she’s guilt tripping him.

“But enough of them were,” Justin replies weakly. “Mom, they abused me. They hurt me and they hurt you, and I know you were doing what you felt like you had to do, but fuck, we deserved better. _You_ deserved better.”

Amber finishes her plate. “Do you get better now?” She asks, looking at him. “Do they treat you better than I did?”

“Mom,” Justin whispers, strained. “They’re great. They take care of me.”

“If you could live with me again, would you?”

“If you got your act together,” Justin replies quickly. It’s a lie, he knows, but it’s not one he’ll ever have to deal with the consequences for later.

It would take a miracle for Amber to get sober.

“I’m clean right now.”

“How long?”

“It doesn’t matter, Justin,” She dismisses. “I’m clean right now.”

Justin sighs, glancing at Matt and Lainie. They were doing a horrible job of acting like they weren’t spying, but so far he was grateful that they hadn’t unnecessarily stepped in. He could handle this. The fake declarations that she’s sober, the guilt tripping, the skepticism over his own sobriety. He wasn’t ready to say goodbye to her yet.

“I need you to be clean for a while. To show me that you can do it,” He says quietly. “And I need you to not live with Seth or one of his friends, or anyone that could put you in danger.”

For a moment Amber looks argumentative, and then she looks resigned. Standing up, she looks back at her son. “I’m glad they treat you well,” She replies quietly, leaving a kiss on his head as she leaves.

Matt and Lainie pay their bill, and as Matt comes over to pay Justin and Amber’s, Lainie ushers him out of the diner to get some air.

“I don’t think she’s changed,” He says weakly, leaning back against the storefront’s windows. “She… she resents me.”

“I don’t think she resents you,” Lainie soothes. “Justin, this is hard for her, just as it’s hard for you.”

“She told me I wouldn’t be able to stay clean.”

Lainie reaches out, pulling him against her chest in a hug. “You are going to be able to stay clean. You _have_ stayed clean. And your mother’s opinion does not matter when it comes to this topic, do you understand me?”

Justin welcomes the firm guidance, nodding against her shoulder. “Do you really think I can stay clean?”

“I do,” Lainie nods. She pulls him away from her shoulder, cupping his face in her hands. “I am so proud of you, you know. We all are. I know it hasn’t always been easy, but you’ve stayed clean for five months. And I know you can continue to do so, even if Amber said those snide remarks.”

Matt walks out, looking at the scene in front of him. With Lainie’s guidance, he claps his hands together. “Ready to go home?”

And so Justin follows them back to the car blindly, wishing this visit away from his mind.

________________________________________________

**Visit #2**

Amber reaches out to Lainie one afternoon when Lainie gets out of court.

“If Justin is willing, I’d like to see him again.”

She sounds sober, Lainie thinks. Or what she thinks sober should sound like over the phone. Walking down the halls of the courthouse, she finds a quiet corner to continue the phone call. “I need to know that you’re not going to let my son down again.”

 _My son_. It sounds exactly the way she wants it to sound, but Amber doesn’t seem to flinch. “Did he tell you what I said last time?”

“You told him he would have trouble staying clean,” Lainie replies simply. “Justin is putting in a lot of hard work to stay clean. He’s doing well, Amber, but he doesn’t need anyone doubting him or his abilities to do something that frankly, is very hard for him.”

“I’m glad he’s doing well,” She replies tersely. “Would it be possible to see my son?”

Lainie sighs, pulling her bag further over her shoulder. “I’ll speak to Justin tonight and let you know.”

Amber hangs up without saying anything else, and Lainie gives herself a moment to recover, leaning back against the wall.

—

“It’s entirely up to you, Justin. If you don’t feel ready to see her again or you don’t want to, then we say no.”

Justin takes a breath, looking between Matt and Lainie. Clay has stayed quiet on his half of the room, pretending that he’s reading his book. Justin knows better, fully aware that Clay is putting on an act and instead listening to the entire conversation.

“Will one of you be there?”

Lainie smiles politely. “Matt or I will be with you. We’ll sit away from you again, give you two some space. But I think one of us still needs to be there.”

“I want at least one of you there,” Justin admits. He leans back, taking a breath. “I think… I want to see her again, yeah. You can tell her, let her pick when. I’ll make sure I can be there.”

Lainie nods, leaning over and kissing his cheek. “Okay, sweetheart. I’ll call her and let her know.”

Clay waits until their parents leave, turning to look at Justin. “You really want to see her again?”

“I need to know she’s okay,” Justin whispers, voice strained. He picks at his comforter, pulling one of the strings loose. “I — that wasn’t my mom last time, Clay. And I don’t expect you to understand why I need to see her again or why I keep subjecting myself to this, but I need you to support me.”

Clay pulls his lip between his teeth, nodding. “Okay, yeah,” He sighs. “I can do that.”

Justin nods, sinking back against his pillows. Clay gives it a minute, and then, when he realizes Justin is done talking, he turns to his brother.

“Justin?”

“Hm?”

“I love you,” He says. “And Mom and Dad love you, and no matter what Amber says to you, you can stay clean, and you can live the great life you deserve.”

Justin laughs, sucks in a breath, and Clay knows he’s crying. “I love you, too,” He says quietly, turning on his side to face away from Clay.

—

With Matt at a conference for the weekend, Lainie accompanies Justin to the diner, taking a seat at a booth just out of earshot.

If there’s a positive to the second meeting, Amber shows up on time.

It’s just followed by a slew of negatives, led by the fact that she is definitely high, but Justin can’t pinpoint what exactly she took before she got here.

“I’ve missed you, baby,” She smiles, eyes hooded and staring through Justin.

Justin twirls his straw through his drink, staring. “Missed you too, Mom,” He mumbles, and then looks at her. “What are you on right now?”

“I’m sober, Justin,” She argues, but she’s slurring her words and Justin feels embarrassed as deciphers to the waitress what his mom had ordered, just as he had for so many years in so many situations. “I told you, I’m clean.”

“I don’t believe you,” Justin says, shaking his head. “I’ve seen you high and I’ve seen you sober. The fact that you can’t even look at me right now proves that you’re high right now.”

“Justin, I’m —“

“And if Lainie knew you were high right now, she wouldn’t have allowed this visit. If she finds out now, she’ll end this.” He keeps his voice low, glancing to find Lainie reading her book, a salad in front of her.

Amber narrows her eyes. “Your new mother?” She asks, venom laced behind her words. “Is that what you call her? Mom?”

“Jesus, Mom. No, I don’t call Lainie mom. I call her Lainie and I call Matt by his name,” He explains, thanking the waitress when she sets their food in front of them. “But you’re right, she is my mom now.”

He thinks maybe he would’ve felt bad for that statement in the past. Today he thinks he wants it to sting, wants his mom to feel bad that he was adopted by a family who has taken care of him far better than anyone else has.

But she doesn’t even seem phased, nodding as she eats her pancakes. “You seem a little tense,” She replies instead, looking back at him as she eats quickly. “I have weed in my bag. Do you want some, baby? I could share, Seth is going to get more, and we have stronger stuff back at the house. You could come back with me and have that, if you want. We have it all.”

“So you’re back with Seth.” Justin mumbles, dropping his fork. “I’m _clean_ , Mom,” He replies tightly. “That means no drugs, not even weed.”

Amber frowns. “Guess you don’t get to have much fun at all anymore, huh?” She asks, smiling. “No more oxy, no more heroin, not even weed?”

“If you’re surprised by this, then you haven’t been clean,” He says. “And I’ve actually been happier than ever being sober. Good support system, good family. Really good friends. Things are actually really great without drugs, Mom. And they could be for you too if you just get some fucking help.”

Amber finishes her pancakes, looking back at Justin. “I don’t even know who you are anymore,” She says. “No drugs, a new fucking rich family. I’m sure you love them more than you ever loved me.”

Manipulation. Justin remembers Dr. Ellman telling him to look for this. He swallows roughly, looking back at her. “The Jensens are great. They provide for me and love me. They’re never on drugs, I never have to worry about finding them overdosed or with fucking needles in their arms.”

Amber laughs. “It’s a shame you don’t do at least weed anymore. You could really use it.”

“Okay, we’re done,” Justin says, cutting off his mother. He sets his napkin back on the table. “It was nice too see you, Mom. But if you are going to keep acting like this… like I betrayed you for getting clean and being adopted by a family who can provide for me, then we can’t keep seeing each other.”

He doesn’t let his mom say anything, standing up and walking over to Lainie. “Can we go? Please?” He asks, voice strained as he looks back at the table. His mom hasn’t left, but is instead picking fries from his plate and eating them.

“Sure, love,” Lainie says, looking back at Justin as she asks the waitress to bring both checks. “Is everything okay?”

“She’s high,” Justin says. “I know I should’ve told you in the beginning, but I wanted to see her and I wanted to talk with her and you would’ve put a stop to that.”

Lainie smiles sympathetically, standing up to follow Justin. “You should’ve told me, but I understand why you didn’t,” She promises. They reach the table, and as Lainie pulls out her wallet, she looks to Amber. “Justin and I have to leave, Amber. I’d be happy to pay your bus fare should you need it.”

Amber looks up at her, grabbing her things. “I can handle that myself, thanks,” She replies, and leaves without saying another word to Justin.

Lainie hands the waitress the check, watching Justin’s shoulders deflate as they leave long after Amber is already gone.

Lainie waits until they’re back to the car before she says anything. “I’m sorry that didn’t go well, sweetheart,” She sighs, looking over at him. “Do you want to talk about it?”

He shakes his head, and then sighs. “She told me she was clean last time. And I believed her, you know. She seemed like she was doing well.”

“But this time it was different.”“I guess I should’ve known,” Justin shrugs. “She’s never really been able to stay clean for an extended period of time.”

“It’s understandable you got your hopes up, Justin,” Lainie replies. “You want to believe that one day she’d get the help she’s always deserved.”

“She offered me drugs,” Justin admits. He thought about keeping that to himself, not letting Lainie or Matt or even Clay know, but he doesn’t think he can hide it. He doesn’t _want_ to hide it. “I said no, obviously. At first it was just weed, but then she said I could go home with her and get harder drugs. That Seth was getting more. Which means she’s back with him.”

Beside him, Lainie sighs. “Oh, Justin,” She says, looking over at him. “I’m proud of you for saying no, but I wish you weren’t put in that position in the first place.”

“I should’ve seen it coming,” He shrugs. “She… she wants me to be with her so bad, and she knows drugs used to be enticing. But I’m not going to relapse, I promise.”

“I’m proud of you, but if you do slip and relapse, it won’t make us love you any less,” Lainie reminds him. “I’m glad that you said no, that you had the presence to stand up to her. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” He nods. “I understand if you want to stop the visits.”

Lainie pulls in the driveway, smiling. “We’ll talk about it with Matt, okay?” She compromises. “But I think for now, you’re right. We should put a pause on seeing her again.”

Justin nods, walking into the outhouse to find Clay watching a movie.

“How did it go?” He asks, looking back as Justin kicks off his shoes and falls into the chair.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” He mumbles, and Clay obliges, dropping the conversation and instead filling him in on the movie.

________________________________________________

**Visit #3**

“I want to see my mom again.”

The remark comes over dinner, earning Justin curious eyes from Matt and Lainie, and anger from Clay.

“Why would you want to see her again?”

“I just do, Clay,” Justin replies weakly.

“She was high last time you saw her!”

“Clay —“

“She asked you to go with her and get high again! She wanted you to relapse, Justin! She tried to give you drugs! She wanted —“

“I need to know she’s alive, Clay!”

Clay stops talking, looking back at his brother. Justin lets the sentence sit in the air for a moment, sliding down in his seat.

“I just — I’ve been so worried, and I need to see her. I need to know that she is okay, that Seth or some other guy she could’ve met isn’t hurting her. And… no one’s heard from her, right?”

Matt and Lainie, realizing the question is directed at them, shake their heads.

Justin blows out a breath, nodding. “Okay, so can we see if we can get a hold of her? So I can see her?”

“Sure,” Matt nods. He knows that Lainie probably wanted to have a discussion about it, but he can also tell the anxiety is creeping up in his son, the worry that they’ll deny this, and so he steps in. “Lainie and I will try to get hold of your mom. Both of us will accompany you, just as we have before.”

“But you’ll still sit at a different table?”

“Yes,” Lainie nods. She seems to have recovered from the surprise agreement from her husband, looking back to her youngest. “You’ll still have the alone time with your mother. But if she shows up high again or offers you drugs, we’re done, and we’re trusting you to put a stop to it immediately. This can’t be like last time, where you continued to talk to her after you knew she was high.”

“Deal,” Justin nods. Anxiety is still permeating through him, but he almost seems to relax, sitting up. “I’ll get up if she’s high and I’ll tell you, and that can be it until we know she’s healthy again.”

“Okay,” Lainie nods. “And no arguments if we cut it off.”

“Yeah, okay,” Justin nods dismissively. Lainie knows he’s agreeing just to agree, but she hopes he’s listening. “No arguments.”

“Why would we stop the meeting with your mom, Justin?” Matt asks.

“If she puts me in immediate danger, or if her health puts me at risk,” Justin recites, biting back a smile as he rolls his eyes. “You would only ever put a stop to something with my mom if it put me in danger or risked my health and safety.”

“I’m glad you’ve remembered that,” Lainie teases. “Any more questions?”

“Can you call her now?”

Lainie gives him a look. “Tomorrow,” She compromises, laughing when Justin agrees immediately. “Justin, I need you to put your laundry in the dryer. Clay, it’s your night for dishes.”

Clay nods, still reeling from the conversation, stands up and clears the table, beginning his chore.

The family slips back into their normal routine, but the worry that they’re subjecting Justin to more heartbreak never quite leaves Lainie’s mind, and is only amplified the following morning when Amber does agree to meet with Justin once more.

—

Together, Matt and Lainie watch Justin from their usual table.

After Amber agreed to see her son again, Justin was over the moon. Knowing that she was alive was almost enough, but now, minutes away from being able to see her in person again to confirm this, it was all he had been able to talk about.

Except it had been 20 minutes past when Amber said she would be there. Justin had been patient, tapping his fingers against the table, ordering water from the waitress multiple times.

Lainie had wanted to step in multiple times. “She’s not coming, Matt,” She whispered, looking back at her son.

“We don’t know that, Lain,” Matt countered. “She was late to the first meeting, and we let him wait longer than this. Let’s just give it a few minutes.”

20 minutes turn to 30. Justin hadn’t looked over at them once, and the waitress who once thought it was odd he hadn’t ordered any food now looked at him in sympathy.

“Matt,” Lainie sighs, strained. “We’re subjecting him to more trauma.”

“Okay,” Matt nods. He flags the waitress for their bill, but before they can stand up, Justin appears in front of them.

“Can we just go home?” He asks, picking at his sleeves. He scrunches his face, an obvious attempt not to cry, and shakes his head. “She’s not… I don’t think she’s coming.”

“Sure, love,” Lainie nods, standing up. “I’m sorry today wasn’t a good day.”

“’s not your fault,” He mumbles, following Lainie out of the diner. Matt trails behind, hand firm on Justin’s shoulder as they walk to the car. “Thank you. For letting me see her all these times.”

Matt smiles. “We wish we could’ve made this better for you, kid.”

“You can’t force her to be here,” He shrugs, climbing into the back seat. “I can’t… I can’t worry about how she’s doing. It’s not good for me or my recovery.”

Lainie turns back, looking at Justin. “It’s not good for you, but we understand why you want to see her. Why you feel the need to know she’s okay.”

Looking back at her, Justin smiles. “I think… I think I’m done trying to see her,” He sighs. “Maybe we could check in on her every once in a while, or… I don’t know. But I don’t want to make planned visits anymore.”

“If you’re sure, sweetheart,” Lainie says.

And Justin knows she’s being serious. Matt and Lainie were generous, always willing to let him do something like this so long as it didn’t put him in danger.

But this time, he’s sure. He nods, leaning his head to look back out the window. “I’m sure,” He sighs. “I’m ready to move on.”

While Lainie doesn’t necessarily believe that to be true, she nods anyway.

“We love you, sweetheart. And if you ever change your mind, you can let us know.”

“I love you guys, too,” He says, smiling back at her.

Lainie’s not anticipating this is the last of Amber and Justin. In fact, she’s sure somehow she’ll be back in their lives. But that can be dealt with when the time arises.

For now, she’s going to focus on her son and his recovery, and, if the time is right, maybe one day they can repair the relationship between he and his birth mother.

All in due time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i tried really hard to have a Clay-centric one done for today, but i finished it late last night and didn't get a chance to edit (and it's going to need edits/rewrites), so that will be up later this week! for now have 5k of Justin and his rocky and complicated relationship.
> 
> thank you guys for reading/commenting/leaving kudos! you're all amazing, and i'm so glad that you're enjoying this :) if there are any you'd want to see, let me know!
> 
> see you in a few days :) <3 <3 <3


	11. Mental Health

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clay's mental health through the years

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the last part with Justin uses lines from 4x02

The first time Lainie became concerned about Clay’s mental health, Clay had just turned 11.

Both she and Matt noticed he became more anxious about things that didn’t use to bother him. Bad grades started becoming the end of the world. Anxiety about hanging out with his friends or the impending freedoms his parents thought he deserved started to become more frequent.

For a while, she sat helpless. She googled multiple symptoms, debated calling a therapist, and then stopped herself.

Clay was probably going through a million changes. And maybe if they just talked through things, if he knew that she and Matt were there for him if he wanted to talk about anything, it would work itself out. Clay had never had an issue coming to them before, why should she begin distrusting him now?

And then the panic attacks began.

Clay tries to hide them at first. He deals with them on his own, slowing his breathing down and frantically googling any techniques that he thinks will help. He tries deep breathing, putting his head between his knees, even sipping on water until he feels his heart slow down.

But, one night when his mom is talking to him about his grades and how she’s surprised he did so poorly on his math test, he breaks down at the kitchen table.

His breath is caught in his throat, face pale as he struggles to compose himself. He doesn’t have time to process or get himself out of there before his mom is beside him, her voice echoing as she instructs him to slow his breathing down.

“Just take nice, slow breaths with me, sweetheart,” Lainie says, her voice calming. “Slow your breathing down for me, okay? Can I touch you?”

Frantically, Clay nods. Lainie grabs his hands, bringing them up towards her chest. “Listen to me, Clay. I need you to try to match my breathing. I need you to slow down, take deep breaths and match me.”

Clay tries, eyes wide as he looks back at her, trying to match her breathing. She keeps encouraging him, smiling.

“Dad and I are right here. You’re safe, it’s okay. Everything is fine, Clay, we promise,” She soothes. “You’re doing great, Clay. Keep taking breaths like this with me, okay? Everything is fine, just keep breathing nice and slow.”

It takes him a while, but when he finally feels like he’s doing okay again he sinks back against the chair, refusing to meet his parents gaze. Lainie continues holding his hand, soothing him softly.

“Here’s some water,” Matt offers. “Drink slowly. You okay?”

“Fine,” He mumbles, embarrassed. He takes the glass with a shaky hand, sipping slowly.

Out of the corner of his eye, he notices his parents share a glance. “What if we talk about going to see a therapist?” Lainie asks, running her fingers through his hair. “Find you someone you can talk to, see if we can figure out what’s going on."

Clay can only nod, hoping that whatever idea they come up with, maybe it’ll be the relief he needs.

—

He meets Dr. Ellman when he’s 13 years old.

It’s his sixth therapist, the rest being pushed to the side when Clay insisted they weren’t working or they didn’t believe him or they just kept saying that he was too young to be going through extensive panic attacks in the way that he has been.

And Dr. Ellman is nice. He lets Clay rant and express that he doesn’t know _why_ this is all happening, but the panic attacks are getting more frequent and he’s getting more scared, and he doesn’t know how he’s going to keep handling this if it’s like this when they go to high school the following year.

Dr. Ellman is patient. He lets him pace the room, never tells him he’s being dramatic or blowing things out of proportion, and in some odd way, that’s enough for Clay. Because he finally feels like he’s being seen.

First they try different coping techniques. Journaling doesn’t seem to be the perfect answer, but he’s offered deep breathing exercises and a variety of coping mechanisms, and, when nothing else seems to be the perfect solution, Dr. Ellman suggests medication.

“I understand it’s not something you were looking to start on, Clay, but I also believe that after the last few weeks, and the fact that your panic attacks only seem to be getting more frequent, I believe it’s time we think about starting medication.”

So Clay agrees. He lets them start him on an anti-depressant. Matt and Lainie almost look relieved that things start to take a turn for the better. Clay’s grades begin to climb again. Panic attacks are less frequent, and combined with the journaling and the steady therapy appointments, Clay almost felt normal again. Like he could breathe, his anxiety wasn’t this constant weight on his back, and things were a little bit easier.

Until the panic attacks begin again.

___________________________________________________

Under the careful consideration and guidance of Dr. Ellman, Clay comes off his medication halfway through freshman year.

His panic attacks were no longer as frequent, his anxiety was being managed, and they felt like it was time to see how things went without medication helping. Clay is grateful, his parents seem at ease and even ease up on their helicopter parenting, a feat that he didn’t think was possible.

He stopped seeing Dr. Ellman halfway through sophomore year. “We just talk about the same things over and over,” He told his parents when he initially asked to take a break, looking between the two of them. “I’m doing great. My grades are good, I haven’t had a bad panic attack in almost two years. I’ll be okay not seeing him for now.”

Matt and Lainie shared a glance, sighing. “We will agree to no more sessions with Dr. Ellman for now, but if things get bad again, you need to go back,” Lainie compromises.

Clay nods immediately. “That’s fine, I’ll go back if things get bad again.”

Just as Clay said they would, things went well. He felt free away from therapy and medication. He got a job at the Crestmont theatre, became friends with Hannah Baker and Jeff Atkins, and for the first time in his high school career, thought that maybe things were turning around.

And then Hannah killed herself. That in itself was devastating, leaving Clay broken and confused and feeling more at a loss than he once ever thought possible. But it only got worse when the tapes were left on his doorstep, and his free time went from comics to obsessing over the tapes, anxiety permeating just beneath the surface as he listened to the reasons why Hannah killed herself.

The panic attacks came back with a vengeance. The nightmares were more vivid than ever, leaving him to wake up drenched in sweat, breathing erratic. He hid the panic attacks from his parents, despite his mom’s hovering and careful eye for a while. The tapes were masked as a school project, and as he listened to the reasons one by one with no explanation as to how he could’ve ended up on these tapes, everything just got worse.

Which is why he really shouldn’t have been surprised to arrive downstairs to breakfast, a prescription sat in front of his plate. “These have to be like, two years old,” He deadpans, looking back to his parents. “Come on, I’m fine.”

Lainie sighs, sitting down at her chair. “It’s a new prescription,” She begins, smiling. “We know there’s been a lot going on, Clay. With the death of Hannah, and everything surrounding the lawsuit at school, we think maybe it’s best if we look into medication again. We know this has to be difficult for you, and we could even look into setting up a few sessions with Dr. Ellman if you feel the need to talk it through.”

“I’m _fine_ ,” Clay repeats, stabbing his eggs with a fork. “I don’t need to go back on meds, and I don’t need to start seeing Dr. Ellman again. I didn’t really know Hannah, so you don’t need to worry about me, okay?”

_I didn’t really know Hannah._

It’s a lie he’s been telling his parents since the email about her death came. He didn’t really know Hannah, they weren’t really friends, it was sad but he was fine because she was just a girl in his grade.

They were all lies. He loved Hannah. They were friends — great friends, even. He remembers long nights at the Crestmont, looking up at the lunar eclipse off the roof. He remembers the kisses and the laughter and the nicknames and his heart aches at the thought of her no longer being here with him.

He wonders what he could’ve done to make it easier for her. Could he have stopped all of these reasons from happening? Could her high school experience have been better if he would’ve just talked to her more?

He doesn’t know, and maybe that’s what makes the panic attacks worse.

There was so much he could’ve done. Hannah made it clear that he was hurting, and he didn’t do anything to help her. They hung out at work, they made plans to hang out away from everyone else, but they never came to fruition.

In a way, wasn’t Hannah dying partially his fault?

Jeff Atkins is killed in a car accident, Clay is the first on scene and can’t save him, and the panic attacks don’t stop.

They get more intense, like he’s young again and he doesn’t know how to make them slow down or get better. He’s drenched in sweat, his breathing is erratic and his eyes are wide, and this time, he doesn’t hide them from his parents. His dad walks in on him, eyes wide as he rushes to his son’s side.

“Okay, Clay. It’s okay, you’re safe. Nothing can hurt you here,” He says, crouching down in front of his son. “Clay, can you take my hand?”

Clay hesitates, and then grabs it. “Okay, good. I need you to match my breathing. Do you think you can do that?” Matt exaggerates his breathing, trying to stay calm, and is only slightly relieved to see that after some prodding, Clay follows suit.

When he’s calmed down and drinks some water, he manages to look up at his dad. “Can we not tell Mom about this?”

Matt smiles sympathetically. “I think we have to tell Mom, kid,” He sighs. “This is more serious than you’ve been letting on. And we want to help, but we can’t if you’re not honest with us.”

“I don’t need help.”

“Clay,” Matt sighs. “I think it’s time to book an appointment with Dr. Ellman and talk about maybe going back on medication.”

Clay thinks about arguing, and then stops himself when he realizes it’s useless. Matt smiles, hand firm on his son’s shoulder. “I know you don’t want to be back in therapy or on medication, but Clay, you’ve gone through so much these past few months. Far more than any teenager should have to go through. And your mom and I, we just want to help. There’s no shame in being on medication or talking to a therapist. You deserve to get the help that you need.”

Clay, who doesn’t think he has the fight left in him anymore, breaks down. He leans forward, pressing his head into Matt’s chest, and cries until he exhausts himself. “I just miss them, Dad,” He admits, and for a moment, he almost feels relieved that it’s out in the open.

That he misses Hannah and Jeff more than he had ever previously admitted.

Later that night, after Matt filled Lainie in on what had happened that afternoon, the three sit down in the living room.

“Dr. Ellman has a space open for you on Tuesday at 4. I scheduled it, but Clay, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to go back on medication. Let’s just take this one step at a time and get you feeling better.”

Sinking back against the sofa, Clay nods. He’s defeated, done giving up trying to fight this.

“We just want you to be healthy, Clay. With both your physical and mental health. We understand that you lost Hannah and Jeff in a very short amount of time. We understand that you were better friends with them than we ever realized. But bottling up your feelings and not talking about it is only going to make things worse.”

“Okay,” Clay nods. He’s silent, a million things running through his mind, and then he looks back at both of them. “Thank you.”

Initially, he doesn’t get put back on medication. Dr. Ellman is satisfied with the progress Clay seems to be making talking through Hannah and Jeff’s deaths and the tapes and the note that Hannah left of reasons why she shouldn’t kill herself. He manages to try other therapy techniques, calming down his panic attacks.

The offer of medication is always there, ready to be filled should they decide he needs it. And for as defiant as Clay had been about seeing Dr. Ellman again, he had to admit that it felt good to no longer be hiding the tapes. To be able to freely discuss everything that had been haunting him, the fact that he didn’t do enough to help Hannah, that things were so confusing and overwhelming that he couldn’t help but have panic attacks about it all.

But now, now he had faith. He knew things weren’t going to get better overnight, but they were getting better slowly. And that’s all he could ask for, really.

He would be okay.

___________________________________________________

It didn’t take Justin long for him to learn the ins and outs of Clay’s mental health.

Despite no longer regularly seeing Dr. Ellman for therapy, Justin knew that there were moments where Clay struggled. Occasional anxiety attacks, constant worry over things out of their control, short temper when things are stressful.

It got worse when he was arrested for Bryce’s murder. Justin watched helplessly as Clay dealt with the turmoil himself, caught between wanting to get Matt and Lainie to intervene and not wanting Clay to be upset that he ratted him out.

He decides to not say anything. He goes to rehab, hoping that when he comes back everything will be better. The blinding hope that if he’s getting help here, maybe Clay will be inspired to start seeing Dr. Ellman regularly again.

While Clay does start seeing Dr. Ellman regularly again, nothing else has changed. Clay is almost worse when he gets back. There’s the beginnings of a panic attack on Christmas, but nothing is as bad as when Clay returns from Ani’s to find their parents sitting in the dining room with Sheriff Diaz.

Justin watches as Clay walks back into the outhouse in a daze, sitting up and setting his book down in his lap. “Did you see Diaz?”

Clay looks up, breathing shallow. “Yeah,” He says, walking slowly to the entrance of their room. “This isn’t good, is it?”

Justin sighs, setting his book down on his bed. “No, this isn’t good.”

Hearing Justin’s confirmation, the fears that he had been worried were true, sends him into a spiral. He takes a shaky step forward, stumbles, and grabs onto the counter for support.

“Clay, what the fuck is wrong with you?” Justin asks. He stands up, taking a step forward just as Clay falls to the ground.

“Clay?” Justin asks again, bending down beside his brother. “Dude, I need you to breathe.”

Clay opens his eyes, looking up at Justin. He clumsily grabs his hand, eyes locked on his, breathing growing more erratic. “Justin.”

“You’re fine, Clay. Everything is fine. Just breathe, dude. Come on, follow my breathing.” Justin tries to rack his brain on anything he’s seen Matt and Lainie do for him or Clay. Lainie’s always reminding him to take deep breaths when he gets overwhelmed about school or his sobriety, and while Justin has never experienced something this bad, he figures deep breathing can’t hurt.

He keeps exaggerating his breathing, talking to Clay about how he’s there and he’s fine, and after the longest few minutes Justin’s pretty sure he’s ever experienced, Clay begins to relax. “Okay, dude, you’re good,” Justin repeats, desperately trying not to show how terrified he actually was about this.

“Sorry,” Clay mumbles when he gets his bearings, looking back to the floor.

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Justin reminds him. “Will you be okay if I stand up and get you some water? I’ll come right back.”

Clay nods, and carefully Justin lets go of his hand, standing up and returning with a bottle of water. “Just don’t chug it, okay?”

Clay nods, shaking hands taking the water bottle and sipping.

Justin watches him for a moment, and then leans back against the counter beside his brother. “Do you want to talk about what just happened?”

“Do we have to?” Clay asks, letting go of a breath. “It’s over.”

“It’s not though,” Justin counters. “Look, I know you don’t want people knowing that you’re not in the best place, but Clay, fuck. That’s the second panic attack I’ve seen you have since I’ve been home. I’m willing to bet you’ve had more when none of us are around.”

Clay grabs the water bottle, taking another sip.

“I’m worried about you, Clay. I don’t want to see you sacrifice your mental health,” He continues quietly. “I know you keep saying you just want me to recover. And Clay, I do too. But your mental health can’t be sacrificed to spare me. I want you to tell me what’s going on. I want you to tell me when you’re struggling, or when you need more support. Please don’t hide this from me.”

Clay’s silent for a while, the only sound between the two of them is breathing. “Okay,” He agrees, turning to look at his brother. “I promise.”

Justin holds his hand out, laughing when Clay takes it.

They sit on the floor until Clay finishes the water bottle, talking about school and their friends. Justin does tell Matt and Lainie what happened, who come to the outhouse to talk things through and check on Clay. Clay promises to talk to Dr. Ellman about the panic attacks, and, despite Lainie’s worries, the two of them go back to doing homework as if nothing happened.

But maybe for the first time in a long time — at least since the panic attacks were back after Bryce — Clay doesn’t feel like he has to go through this alone.

Because Justin is right there, and out of everyone, he knows what this all feels like. The hopelessness, the worry about Bryce’s murder being put to light.

And if Justin’s there, and with his parents support and constant talking to Dr. Ellman, maybe everything will be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am...not sure about this one tbh. i always feel the most pressure with the mental health ones lol
> 
> thank you guys so much for reading/commenting/leaving kudos :)
> 
> more of clay/justin will be coming soon!!!
> 
> see you in a few days :) 
> 
> <3 <3 <3


	12. Planning.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in the aftermath of Thanksgiving and Justin's confession, Matt and Lainie begin to plan the next steps.

Long after Tony and Caleb had left Thanksgiving dinner, arms filled with leftovers and voicing multiple thank you’s to the Jensens for inviting them to their holiday traditions, Matt and Lainie huddle at the dining room table around Lainie’s laptop, the holiday china sitting in stacks in front of them ready to be put away.

Justin’s admission of his addiction just before they began eating dinner had been weighing heavy on both of their minds. To have Justin feel so comfortable that he could freely admit he was struggling was a huge milestone in their relationship, but it was also devastating to know that their son, who had been trying so hard, had relapsed and was struggling with substance abuse again without them realizing.

“I dread to think of sending him to inpatient rehab,” Lainie mumbles, reading about teen addiction and relapses. “The adoption _just_ became official. I feel like we’re just getting comfortable and totally settled. And now we’re going to send him away? How will that make him feel?”

Beside her, Matt sighs. “I don’t want to send him away either,” He agrees. “But Lainie, read these details about detoxing. They’re — we’re not equipped to deal with this ourselves. We cannot detox him here. It’s unsafe, foolish even. We told Clay he shouldn’t have done it the first time, how are we backing that statement up if we turn around and detox him here?”

“It’s not backing that statement up in the slightest,” Lainie sighs. “And if we’re being honest, he’s not going to learn how to cope by detoxing with us. He needs therapists, a guided treatment plan. Inpatient first, then outpatient as soon as they think he’s ready.”

“I don’t want him gone longer than a month,” Matt decides, reading through sample treatment options.

“Hi,” Justin says quietly. He’s changed into sweatpants, leaning against the entryway into the dining room. “Are you —“

“Come sit down with us, love,” Lainie smiles, pulling a seat around beside her. “We should’ve waited for you, but I wanted to read up on addiction to make sure we make informed decisions here.”

Justin nods, taking a breath before sinking down into the chair beside Lainie. He looks to the screen, reads it quickly, and then leans back. “I need to go to inpatient this time,” He says quietly, crossing his arms over his chest. “Detoxing here… it didn’t work. I need the counselors and the nurses or whatever.”

“It’s also not safe for us to detox you alone,” Matt reminds him gently. “Which is also why we think inpatient is the best option.”

“It’s not because we want you to be away from us,” Lainie adds. “We want you here more than anything. But we need to think about your wellbeing, and we can’t be selfish about what we want when it comes to getting you healthy.”

Justin nods, staring at the computer screen, arms crossed over his chest.

“We’ll talk to the doctors and counselors when we go to meet with them, but we’re hoping you’ll be gone a month at most,” Matt offers.

Justin chews on his lip, quiet. “Will I be home for Christmas?”

“Oh, sweetheart,” Lainie sighs. “We hope so. We want nothing more than to have you here for Christmas.”

Breathing, Justin comes to terms with the arrangement. “This place looks nice,” He decides after a moment, abruptly changing the subject as he leans forward, scrolling through the photos of the rehab Lainie had pulled up in another tab. “Can we go visit this place? And see how soon I can go?”

“Sure,” Lainie nods. She scrolls through, booking them an appointment to go visit the following day, and then turns back to Justin. “Justin, sweetheart, we love you. We want the best for you, and we will get you any help that you need.”

“Do you know how proud we are of you for telling us that you need more help? For letting us know that you are using again?” Matt asks. He watches Justin blush, ducking his head. “We need you to always be that honest with us, kiddo. We will never be upset or angry that you’re asking for help. We want you to be happy and healthy and safe, and we can’t make sure that happens unless you let us know what you need.”

“Thank you,” Justin breathes, looking back at them. “For helping me, for adopting me. For looking into all these things for me.”

Lainie smiles, reaching out to brush the tears off Justin’s cheek. “You are our son, Justin. We will do anything we can to help you, no matter the circumstances.”

“Now, if you go get Clay, we’ll watch our first Christmas movie of the season,” Matt smiles. “That’s a Jensen family tradition. The first Christmas movie is always viewed on Thanksgiving night.”

Smiling, Justin nods. “Yeah, okay. I’ll go tell him,” Justin nods. He stands up from the table, disappearing back into the outhouse to get Clay.

Lainie deflates, shutting her laptop and letting her head fall, sighing. “I hope we’re making the right decision here,” She mumbles. “Do we — should we have included the pediatrician? Would they have had better guidance on what to do in this situation?”

“I don’t think so,” Matt sighs, shaking his head. “We’ll talk with the doctors at this rehab, they say on their website they’ve dealt with teenage addiction. If we need to involve the pediatrician or we feel that we need a second opinion, then we’ll go from there.”

Lainie nods, relaxing as her husband rubs her back. When they hear the back door shut they stand up, Matt taking over in making popcorn while Lainie starts up the DVD, sitting down on the sofa as Justin sinks down in front of her, grabbing the blanket.

The family settles into the living room together for their yearly tradition. Lainie spends the entirety of the movie playing with Justin’s hair, gently massaging his scalp. Justin sinks further down, relaxing, and for how draining the day that Lainie once thought was going to be a celebration was, she thinks that maybe this feels okay.

That somehow, they would get out from under all of this.

—

Evergreen Rehab Facility is beautiful. Far more than anything Justin would have asked for or expected, and his arguments to find a different place that was less expensive but would still help him get clean fall flat, Matt immediately refuting it as they wait in the offices to go on the rest of the tour.

“Insurance will cover most of this, and whatever it doesn’t, we will pay for,” He promises. “Your health has no price tag. You don’t have to worry about cost or anything else but getting better.”

Justin nods, shaking his leg. “Okay,” He nods. He follows the nurse, Debra, through the tour, walking between Matt and Lainie and looking around.

It’s nicer than any other place he’s been for meetings. He feels out of place, but Matt and Lainie seem pleased and he knows he’ll be taken care of here, and so he agrees.

“With someone who will be withdrawing from heroin like yourself, we expect you to be in the program for 28 days,” Debra says, writing down Justin’s information on the clipboard. “There’s always a chance the timing could vary, but that timeline is standard.”

“So that would have me home right before Christmas,” Justin says idly.

Debra smiles politely, looking back at him. “If we admit you this Sunday, then you could be home December 23,” She says. “We will do everything we can to have you home by Christmas, but it’s going to take a lot of work on your part as well,” She reminds him.

Debra gives them a moment, stepping out as Justin turns to Matt and Lainie. “Can I come here on Sunday?”

He watches them share a glance, Lainie turning back. “Are you absolutely sure this is where you want to be?” She asks. “They sound really great, Justin. They’re going to monitor you closely through detox, and then help you with group therapy and individual therapy. But sweetheart, if you want to look around to see some different options, we can.”

“This is nicer than I could have ever imagined,” Justin says, shaking his head. “I don’t — I think I just want to say yes to here and come on Sunday.”

“Okay,” Lainie nods. “We’ll ask to fill out the forms today, and then make sure we have everything ready to go to bring you in a few days.”

Justin nods, filling out forms with Matt and Lainie before the three of them leave to go get lunch with Clay. The nerves don’t ever quite dissipate, but for Justin, it’s the most hopeful he’s felt about detoxing in his short life.

And maybe that should count for something.

—

Clay lays on his bed watching Justin unpack and repack his duffel bag for the third time that evening. He thinks about stepping in, taking over the packing for him, but he really thinks it would just cause a fight.

So he stops himself, leans back, and watches Justin unpack his clothes just to repack again. “I don’t even know if they’ll let me wear any of this.”

“They’re not going to make you sit there in a hospital gown for a month,” Clay says quietly, glancing up from his phone. “Mom said earlier that you’re going to be allowed to pajamas or sweats or whatever for detoxing, and then whatever you feel comfortable in for the rest of the stay.”

“Yeah, but like…” Justin shrugs, sighing. “Fuck, I don’t know.”

“You’re overthinking this.”

He doesn’t have to look back at Justin to know that he’s glaring at him, zipping up his bag aggressively. “I’m going away for 28 days. You can’t bring me things while I’m there, only visit.”

“That’s a stupid rule.”

“Is it though?” Justin challenges. He lays down on his bed, staring at the ceiling. “Fuck, I can’t believe I let it get this bad.”

Setting his phone down beside him, Clay sighs. “No one blames you for the things you did,” He says. “And my words are most likely worthless, I know that, but Justin. You’ve had a shitty life and you never learned how to cope.”

“Plenty of people have had shitty lives and didn’t turn to fucking heroin, Jensen.”

Clay knows the anger isn’t directed at him. “And plenty of people didn’t have drug addicts for a mother, but you did.” He shifts, looking back at Justin. “Look, you’re going to get better. Things are going to be okay. But we need you to put in the work. I need you to put in the work.”

Justin laughs. “You know, you’re pretty confident about this. And I don’t know why, because I’ve abused your trust so many times.”

“Because I know you can do it,” Clay says simply. "You were clean for a while, and then a bunch of shitty stuff happened. Fuck, Justin, I was framed for murder,” He says. “You relapsed from stress. And because you never saw a therapist or went to an actual rehab or anything. But now you are. And they’re going to teach you how to cope.”

The room falls silent for a moment, and then Justin turns to look at Clay. “But what if you’re wrong?” He asks quietly. There’s fear behind his words, masked behind this facade that Clay knew was on the cusp of crumbling. “What if I do all this work, go away for a month, and then come home and relapse again?”

“Then we get you clean again,” Clay replies, no hesitation. He says it like it’s the most obvious answer in the world, the only logical solution. “We help you with detox and new therapists and group meetings, and we make sure you’re healthy again.”

Taking a shaky breath, Justin nods. “Okay,” He nods. “How do you just know what to do?”

“I don’t,” Clay laughs, shaking his head. “But I’ve lost so much, and I can’t lose you too. So we’ll figure it out, okay?”

Justin nods, rolling over onto his back.

“Do you have everything packed?”

“I think so.”

“Then get some sleep.”

Justin laughs, turning over and turning off his light.

Clay lays awake until Justin’s breathing evens out, and then lets himself drift off to sleep, comforted with the thought of his brother finally getting the help he’s deserved for so long.

—

Clay feels like he’s losing part of himself when they arrive at the rehab facility, Lainie meticulously getting Justin’s room set up so it’s almost like home.

“We’ll come visit every week, kid, okay?” Matt reassures him, patting his back. “It’s going to be okay, you’re going to be okay.”

“I know,” Justin nods. Clay watches him swallow roughly, picking at his fingers. “Thank you guys. For getting me this help.”

Lainie finishes setting out his blankets, turning back. “Always, my love. And if you ever need us and you can call. No matter what time it is, we want you to call, okay? I wrote down all of our numbers on this paper, so you’ll always be able to reach one of us.”

“Thank you,” He smiles, and when Lainie pulls him into a hug, he buries his head against her shoulder.

Matt hugs him as well, and then laughing, he turns to Clay. “I think it’s required that you hug me if we’re going to be separated for a month.”

Clay rolls his eyes, but willingly accepts the hug from his brother. Resting his chin on Justin’s shoulder, Clay squeezes a little harder. “Let them help you,” He whispers, feeling Justin’s grasp tighten around him. “I love you. I’m proud of you.”

Justin is definitely _not_ crying, he’s not going to admit it at least, but he turns his head to rest in the crook of Clay’s neck anyway. “I love you, too,” He whispers, holding onto this feeling for a little while longer.

A nurse appears in the doorway, smiling. “Justin, you have to come with me. You’ll see your family in a week,” She says gently, which earns Justin another round of hugs and kisses from Matt and Lainie.

“We’ll be here next week. We promise,” Lainie says, and together the three of them watch Justin follow her down the hall before they follow another nurse and walk to leave themselves.

For the rest of the day, Clay feels like he’s missing something. It doesn’t feel right not having Justin around, but he also knows this is absolutely what’s necessary.

So he tries to remind himself that this is temporary, that Justin is finally getting the help he needs, and maybe then things will be okay.

He just hopes Justin realizes how much they love him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys for reading/commenting/leaving kudos :) i'm so glad you're enjoying these! 
> 
> next one will have a lot more Clay, i promise :)
> 
> see you in a few days! <3 <3 <3


	13. Visits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the three times Clay visits Justin in rehab, and the one time Justin comes home.

Clay visits Justin at the facility exactly a week after they drop him off.

Family visit days are designated for Sunday, and, after some initial apprehension, Clay requested that he go visit separately from his parents. It gives him time alone with his brother, time to talk about things they wouldn’t talk about with Matt and Lainie sitting right there with them.

After a call to Justin’s therapist midway through the week, Matt and Lainie approve the request. “Justin gets to make the decision every weekend. If there’s a week he’s not up for multiple visits and would rather just see us all together, then you just come with us,” Lainie explains over dinner one evening.

Clay nods. “How will we know?”

“His therapist will let us know if he’s asked that we all come together,” Lainie explains. “If we don’t hear, we can assume that he’s okay with seeing us separately. But Clay, your father and I would like it if we could all see him together at least once.”

“Yeah, maybe,” He shrugs noncommittally, finishing his dinner. “I mean, I’m sure he and I can give up our alone time one time.”

The answer seems to please Lainie, who nods and finishes the rest of her dinner. With Justin gone, Clay takes over his chores, cleaning up from dinner and doing the dishes quietly as his parents talk in the other room.

—

**Visit #1**

The facility is nice, Clay decides as he sits in a private room waiting for Justin to get there. The nurses were all nice, mentioning that they had heard he was coming separately, and Justin would be happy to see him.

Justin walks in after a few minutes, shutting the door behind him. Clay smiles, standing up to hug his brother. “I hope it’s okay that I’m coming separate from Mom and Dad.”

“It’s good. I’m glad that you did,” Justin nods. He looks a little brighter, a little more upbeat. Clay notices the glassiness behind his brother’s eyes, the tinge of pink to his cheeks, but Clay thinks Justin looks more alive than he has in months.

Justin sits down across from his brother, pulling his knees under him and the sleeves of his sweatshirt over his hands. “I hope it’s okay I took this sweatshirt. I just… it was on the chair when I was leaving, and. I don’t know,” He shrugs, embarrassed.

Clay studies the sweatshirt Justin’s wearing for a moment, realizing it was his. Normally he’d be annoyed, remind Justin that he has plenty of sweatshirts of his own he could’ve brought with him.

Now, he doesn’t mind.

He’s happy to know that his sweatshirt is bringing comfort to his brother when he needs it.

“It’s fine,” Clay clarifies. He smiles, leaning back. “How are you feeling?”

Justin rolls his eyes. “You sound like Matt and Lainie.”

“Yeah, but you can be honest with me. I know you probably weren’t honest with them.”

Justin laughs. “I was pretty honest with them,” He shrugs. “Detox has been terrible. I puked for the first four days. I still have night sweats, sleeping is almost impossible. I’m half wondering when it’ll end at this point. It’s been a week.”

“I remember that well,” Clay smiles. “But you feel better now? I mean, you look better.”

“Mildly,” Justin smirks. “I’m still feverish, too, which doesn’t make the other stuff any easier to deal with. The nurses are great, though, and I feel safe being here with them.”

Clay nods, welcoming the silence between them for a moment. Justin seems to enjoy it as well, and then he looks back at him.

“How is school?” He asks.

“Sucks,” Clay replies immediately. He smiles. “Bolan’s basically got everything on lockdown. There’s rumors he’s hiring a safety principal or something. It’s supposed to help keep the controversy to a minimum. After Hannah’s trial and then the whole Bryce thing, they’re hoping this guy stops the chaos.”

“They know that’s not going to work, right?” Justin asks, amused. “It sounds like a horrible idea. A waste of money and time.”

Clay nods. “I think they’re just doing what they can to appease the PTA. Mom seems happy with it, at least. She thinks it’ll help,” He rolls his eyes. He watches Justin twist his ID bracelet around his wrist, sighing. “Are you missing being with us? At home?”

Justin looks up, smiling. “A lot,” He admits. “I miss being in the outhouse with you. I miss Matt’s cooking. I miss sitting with Lainie and watching those true crime shows with her. I miss all of you,” He says. “But I know that right now, I need to be here. This place is the safest for me. Therapy is helping, detoxing is slowly making me feel better. I’m getting the extra help I think I’ve always needed. And if I leave now, I’ll probably just relapse.”

“Do you think therapy is helping you?” Clay asks.

“Did your meeting with Dr. Ellman help you?” Justin repeats, challenging his brother. He leans back, folding his legs back underneath him, and shrugs. “I mean, yeah, I think it helps. It’s nice to listen to people talk about the same problems I have when we do group therapy. And individual therapy is like… not terrible so far. I just haven’t done that much in it.”

Clay nods. “Therapy is helping me, by the way,” He smiles. “I’m not going to go regularly, at least not yet, but it was nice to talk through things with him this week. Make them make sense.”

“Good,” Justin nods. There’s a beat of silence, and then he looks back to his brother. “Do you ever think we’ll be okay again?”

Clay sighs. “I think eventually, yeah,” He decides. “Maybe not right away. Maybe not even for a little while. But one day this will all be behind us and we’ll be happy and not worrying about it anymore. I just hope that day is soon.”

“Me too,” Justin agrees.

There’s a knock on the door, a young nurse poking her head in. “Justin, you need to come back for your check with the doctors,” She says, excusing herself so the two of them can say goodbye.

Justin stands up first, Clay following suit. This time it’s Justin that initiates the hug, holding onto his brother a little longer than he normally would. “I’ll see you next week?”

“Of course,” Clay replies immediately, breaking the hug and look back to his brother. “Call if you need me?”

“As soon as I can,” He promises.

Justin turns to leave first, shoving his hands into the pockets of his sweatshirt.

“Hey Justin?”

Stopping, Justin turns back around.

“I’m really proud of you.”

Justin smiles, ducking his head. “I’ll see you next week, Jensen,” He says quietly, opening the door and following the nurse back down the hall.

The image of Justin smiling doesn’t leave Clay’s mind for the rest of the week.

_______________________________________________________

**Visit #2**

Justin looks relieved to see Clay sitting in the same room they were in the week before when he joins him this week.

He also looks thinner, and happier, and far more alert than he had the previous week, which Clay thinks makes sense. He’s a week further from the detox, and he can remember from last time that Justin seemed better once he recovered.

“Matt and Lainie were so happy this morning,” Justin says, sitting down on the sofa across from Clay again. “They kept saying how much better I looked and they heard from the doctors that I’m doing really will with therapy and progress overall.”

“And you want me to just be chill,” Clay offers.

“Well, I don’t necessarily think chill and Clay Jensen are two words that go together,” Justin muses, “but yes, I don’t want you gushing about everything the doctors are saying. We can talk about rehab, but like, I don’t know. Leave that for your parents.”

“ _Our_ parents.”

Justin rolls his eyes, but Clay doesn’t miss the smile on his face.

“I saw Dr. Ellman again and talked about you,” Clay offers.

“I’m flattered,” Justin teases. “I talked about you, too. In individual therapy, at least.”

Clay smiles. “I talked about how it’s weird not having you around. Which is weird, because for so long I resented having you in my house. And now I feel like something is missing when we’re at dinner or watching TV at night.”

“What you’re saying is you miss my commentary during our shows, and you miss me getting in trouble for leaving my plate in the sink or not cleaning the pots and pans completely,” Justin smirks.

“Actually, I really miss getting to share the chores with you. Having to do everything myself again has gotten exhausting,” Clay counters. “But I do miss hearing you get yelled at for not cleaning something correctly. Always the highlight of my evening.”

Justin laughs, shaking his head. “I talked a lot about how you saved me,” He says quietly. “I talked about how I was homeless, but somehow you found me and you brought me back.”

“I brought you back for Jess.”

“I mentioned that,” Justin laughs. “But Clay, I probably would have died if you didn’t get me off the streets,” He stresses. “I was doing _anything_ to score a hit or stay alive, and if I did that much longer, who knows where I’d be.”

Clay nods, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth. “I know this is really hard for you, but it’s really hard for me knowing that you were so sick and you just kept hiding it. I had to find your pills to know that you were struggling this bad again.”

“I wanted to tell you,” Justin says. He sits up, folding his hands in his lap. “I’ve never felt like I could tell anyone how bad it was, except for you. I just… I knew you’d be disappointed, and the fact that they were Bryce’s pills didn’t really make it any easier.”

Clay manages a laugh. “That would’ve complicated things,” He agrees. “But moving forward, you know you can tell me anything, right? Even if I’ll be mad or annoyed or whatever. I just want to help you, and I promise I won’t go to Mom and Dad unless you’re like… you’re pretty close to dying or whatever.”

Justin smiles. “I know,” He nods. “But I promise you, I’m going to be better when I’m home. I’m working on how to be more honest in therapy. To trust that Matt and Lainie won’t be upset with me if I make a mistake.”

“Do you want to get high right now?”

Justin pauses, ducking his head. He pulls his knees to his chest, twisting his ID bracelet painfully around his wrist. Clay almost stands up, prying his brother’s hands away from hurting himself. He only manages to stop himself when he realizes Justin would get mad and cause a scene and the nurses would probably make him leave.

“I haven’t stopped wanting to get high,” He admits. “It’s been… it’s been really bad this time. The cravings are constant. Even just for weed, which is like, the least of my problems in my life.”

“You told the doctors, right? Or at least your therapist?” Clay asks, quickly shaking his head. “Sorry, I know I said I wouldn’t be like Mom and Dad. But I know you wouldn’t tell them this.”

“I didn’t tell Matt and Lainie this,” He confirms. “But yeah, I told the doctors and the therapist. The doctors are watching me since I just finished detoxing, not that I can get any drugs in here. And the therapist is helping me learn to cope with cravings and triggers, and I think it’s helping.”

Clay nods, relaxing. “Okay, yeah. That’s good then, right? That you think it’s helping.”

Justin shrugs. He finally releases his ID bracelet, moving to fold his fingers together. “I mean it helps in here. But everything is so tight in here and there’s absolutely no way for me to get drugs without someone finding out. When I’m back home though… it’s not going to be this easy, Clay.”

“You know you can wake me up any time you need me, right? You can call me or text me, it doesn’t matter where we are or what’s going on. You come first.”

“I can’t ask you to give up your personal life when I’m having a bad day.”

“Good thing you didn’t ask me to then,” Clay challenges, looking at his brother. “Look, we want to help you. You need to let us help, you can’t do this alone. And if you’re worried about me being mad that you ruined me hanging out with friends or something, then ask Mom or Dad. You know they’ll be more than willing to sit with you or do some activity until you feel better.”

Justin nods. “I’m going to be better when I get home, I promise.”

“I know,” Clay nods. He’s serious, staring at his brother who was once full of fake promises and hiding things better than Clay knew anyone else could, but now? Now he thinks he believes him. “You’re already doing better. I know you’ll keep doing better the longer you’re here.”

Justin sighs. “I want to make this work. I want to be able to move past this. I want to be _healed_ , Clay.”

Clay stands up, moving to sit next to his brother. “You will be,” He promises, reaching over and takes his hand. “And you’re not going to do it alone.”

Justin lets out a shaky breath. He nods, squeezing Clay’s hand, and thanks him quietly. The nurse pokes her head in, smiling. “If you need a few extra minutes, I’ll take the blame,” She smiles, shutting the door behind her.

“I don’t want to get you in trouble.”

“Real hard to ground me here,” Justin laughs, using his free hand to rub his eye. “You’ll come back next week?”

“Same time,” Clay promises. He stands up, hugging Justin tightly for a minute. “You’ll be okay?”

“I’ll be fine,” Justin promises, pulling back to look at his brother. “I’ll call you if I’m not.”

The sincerity behind his eyes is enough for Clay to nod, watching his brother as he goes to meet the nurse and walks back down the same hall he walked down the week before.

_______________________________________________________

**Visit #3**

“Can we talk about us?”

The first thing that Justin says when he sits on the sofa opposite Clay is the last thing Clay ever thought would come from his brother.

“What do you mean talk about us?”

Justin shrugs, gesturing to no one. “You know, our past. It’s not like we’ve been best friends our whole lives.”

“We haven’t,” Clay agrees. “But why do we need to talk about that? Do you still feel that way about me?”

“What?” Justin asks, shaking his head. “Fuck, Clay, no. I just… I’ve been talking about being adopted in therapy and how I finally feel like I have a stable home, and then we talked about how it came to be you guys.”

Clay leans back, nodding. It was one of those things that just was. Clay brought Justin back to help with the trial. To help Jess testify about Bryce. To give his own thoughts and accounts. He didn’t like Justin at the time, hated what he did to Hannah based on what Hannah said on the tapes, but felt the need to help Jess more.

Justin staying was Matt and Lainie’s idea. And Clay can remember being so angry about it at first. Why would they want to make him their kid permanently? Why couldn’t they just help him find a foster home that was safe?

But Justin needed familiarity and stability. He needed a home he had been in before, parents who were going to love him and support him and get him the help that he needed, and Clay knew his family could provide that.

Becoming this close was just a bonus.

“I was horrible to you,” Justin begins. He sighs, crossing his legs and looking back to his brother. “Clay, I threatened to kill you.”

“Wait, you — you what?”

“That doesn’t matter anymore,” Justin says dismissively. “We were all so scared that you were going to tell everyone about the tapes, expose us all of whatever Hannah was saying on those tapes. And I was scared that my life was going to be ruined for something that was exaggerated, okay?” He quickly explains.

He takes a breath, forcing himself to look up at Clay. “I tortured you for no reason. I took your fucking bike, Jensen! And you still were able to look past that and agree to adopt me. It would’ve been so easy for you to say no. That I was a horrible person and you didn’t want to have me as a brother. But somehow you looked past all of that and agreed.”

“You deserve to be happy, Justin,” Clay breathes. “You deserved a stable family and help, and you weren’t so bad when I was hiding you in my room.”

Justin laughs. Clay watches him rub the tears from his eyes, taking a breath. “I had no reason to be that horrible to you. The tapes… we all knew what was true. It was a matter of time before they got out, and it could’ve been any of us.”

“You had every reason to hate me,” Clay counters. “I was a pretty insufferable dick.”

“Shut up,” Justin replies quietly.

Clay stands, moving to sit on the same sofa as Justin. “Anything that happened before you became my brother doesn’t matter,” He promises. “You’ve saved my life, Justin. In more ways than you know. And I know that doesn’t make things better, I know it doesn’t erase the past, but I forgive you.”

Justin looks at him, red-rimmed, bloodshot eyes searching for his, and nods. “Thank you,” He whispers, relieved to hear the words come from Clay.

Clay nods, letting the conversation settle between them for a moment. “I’ve been thinking a lot about that week I hid you in my room.”

“The week you detoxed me?” Justin asks. There’s amusement behind his words, a hint of a smile on his face.

“Yeah,” Clay confirms, smiling for a moment. “Justin, I could’ve killed you.”

“Clay…”

“I’m serious,” Clay says, cutting Justin’s thought off. “I heard Mom and Dad talking about what the doctors were telling them about your detoxing. How sick you were, how closely they watched your vitals. I just… I watched you puke and sweat out the drugs and be in so much pain, and I didn’t tell my parents what was going on, even after they knew you were there. I told them you had the fucking flu, Justin. Who knows what could’ve happened?”

“I’m fine though,” Justin says, deflecting. “We don’t have worry about what could’ve happened because nothing bad happened. I got better, I recovered, and we went on with the rest of our lives.”

“It doesn’t matter that nothing bad happened, Justin. It’s the point of it all, and you know that,” Clay argues. “I didn’t detox you in my bedroom in the safest way, and I’m sorry for that. I could’ve made you so much worse. You could’ve _died_ , Justin,” He says. “And I’m glad that this place is better for you. I’m glad that they watched your detox a lot better than I did, and that you’re healthy now.”

Justin nods. He swallows roughly, looking at his brother, and sighs. “I forgive you,” He replies quietly. “You were doing the best you could given the circumstances. I’m not — I could never hate you for that. You saved me, Clay. And yeah, maybe we could’ve found a better way to get me clean, but it’s okay. I don’t blame you for anything that you did.”

Shifting, Justin leans over and rests his head against Clay’s shoulder. “Thank you for visiting me every week. I know there’s other things you’d rather be doing.”

“I’d be here more often if I could,” Clay replies softly, a gentle reminder. “Are you glad you came here?”

He feels Justin laugh against his shoulder. “I mean, I wouldn’t come rushing back here. But it’s been good, yeah. And I think it’s really helping me.”

Clay leans his cheek against the crown of Justin’s head, nodding. “Things were like, really fucked up, weren’t they?”

Justin smiles. “Yeah, they were,” He sighs. “But they’re getting better.” Pausing, Justin picks at his nails. “Your therapy is going well? I heard you decided to see Dr. Ellman regularly.”

“How did you know I was seeing Dr. Ellman regularly?”

Justin shifts, digging his head further against Clay’s shoulder. “I asked Lainie,” He admits. “I shouldn’t be the only one getting help, you know. You need someone to talk to.”

Clay folds his hands together, sighing. “It’s not terrible,” He decides after a beat of silence. “It’s nice to have someone to talk to about you and Hannah and Jeff and everything else that’s happened.”

“You’re not hiding anything, right?”

“I’m not,” Clay says sincerely, and Justin believes him immediately. “I told him all about Bryce, and the arrest, and the murder. And he doesn’t judge me for it or anything that’s happened. He’s helped me with processing it all, making it all make sense.”

Justin nods. “Are you going to go back on meds?”

“Not right now,” Clay sighs. “Dr. Ellman thinks it’s okay to not be on meds, but he’s ready to prescribe them when he thinks I need them. Or if he thinks I need them at all.”

Justin pulls his knees closer to himself, sighing. “I’m proud of you, too, you know. Talking to Dr. Ellman. Being willing to be honest and get help. It’s really hard to open up about stuff like this, but you’re doing it and you’re getting the help you need.”

“We’re both getting better,” Clay smiles. “You’re still coming home next week, right?”

“Yeah,” Justin confirms. “Matt and Lainie talked with my doctors today before they came to see me. As long as I don’t have any setbacks this week, I can come home next Sunday.”

“That’s good,” Clay says. He’s quiet for a minute. “It’ll be nice having you back in the house. And in the outhouse. It was getting a little quiet with it just being me.”

“So you do miss my messiness in the outhouse, huh?” Justin muses.

Clay can’t see his face, but the amusement is dripping off of his words and so he smiles, shoving Justin’s shoulder gently. “I said I miss you being around. Not your messiness. I don’t miss that at all, and I would appreciate it if you worked on keeping it a little cleaner.”

Justin laughs. “I’m doing better here with keeping my stuff neat. Who knows if it’ll continue when we’re home.”

“It better.”

The silence fills the room once again, comfortable and welcomed, and Justin doesn’t move from his spot against Clay’s shoulder. “Thank you. For saving me from the streets, for adopting me. For making me feel wanted for the first time in my life.”

Clay chews on the corner of his lip, desperate to not cry. “I’d do anything for you. You know that, right?”

Justin doesn’t answer, sniffling in a desperate attempt not to cry. “I’d do anything for you, too,” He manages to reply, voice wobbling.

When the door opens and the same nurse that Clay has come to recognize pokes her head in, she smiles. “I’ll give you two a few minutes,” She replies, quietly shutting the door behind her.

“I don’t want to go,” Justin mumbles, not making any attempts to stand up and move. “What if we just stayed in here for the rest of the day? Hid from the nurses, missed therapy and dinner and all of that?”

“They’d probably call Mom and Dad and have them come force us out of here. Which I’m sure would thrill them that they had to come force us out of this room.”

“Probably wouldn’t get us any extra points in their book,” He laughs. Reluctantly, he sits up. He blinks, eyes glassy, and looks back to his brother. “I’ll see you next week?”

Clay nods, standing up when Justin does. “Yep, when you finally come home.”

Justin smiles, falling back into Clay’s arms. He hugs him a little tighter, resting his cheek against his shoulder once more.

Clay squeezes tighter. “I love you,” He whispers against his brother’s shoulder, holding him for a moment.

“I love you, too,” Justin whispers, reluctantly being the first to pull away.

Just as he’s done every other week, he quietly slips out the door before Clay, finding the nurse in the hall. They walk down towards the doctor’s office together, Justin walking slightly behind.

“That’s your brother?” The nurse asks, glancing back at Justin as they continue walking.

“Yeah, that’s him.”

“You two seem to get along really well. Better than I ever did with my brother.”

Smiling, Justin shoves his hands into his pockets. “He’s my best friend.”

_______________________________________________________

For the first time in four weeks, Clay doesn’t come to rehab.

Justin’s disappointed when the door to his room opens and only Matt and Lainie walk in.

“Don’t look so upset,” Lainie smiles, walking over to kiss Justin’s cheek. “I know you were expecting to see Clay, love.”

“I’m happy to see you guys though,” Justin offers, walking back to pack his bag. “I just… I thought Clay would come with you.”

Matt walks over, sitting down on the edge of Justin’s bed. “He has a good reason to not be here, kid, we promise. And you’ll see him right when we get home.”

“Which can be now, right?”

“We have to meet with the doctor and therapist first, sweetheart. Then we’ll go home,” Lainie explains. She straightens out the sheets on Justin’s bed around her husband, double checking that Justin packed everything. “You okay?”

Justin takes a breath, nodding. “Just excited to get home.”

Lainie smiles, squeezing his arm as they go to meet with the doctor. “Soon enough.”

—

Clay didn’t come to pick him up because he planned a surprise party for him and his friends.

He starts catching on when they stop and pick up a bunch of pizzas on the way home, piling on the seat beside him. He doesn’t say anything, but Matt gives him a smile and raises his eyebrows, hinting that something is happening, but he doesn’t ask.

Instead, he arrives back to the outhouse to one of Jess’ signs and his friends there, and his eyes only search for Clay after giving them a polite smile.

Clay steps forward, pulling his hands from his pockets and hugging his brother. “Welcome home,” He says, holding him for a moment before pulling away.

“Thanks,” He smiles. “You really planned all of this?”

“Well, Jess and Ani mostly planned it all. I just did what they said,” Clay shrugs, looking around. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there to pick you up.”

Justin smiles. “It’s okay. I think this more than makes up for it.”

Matt and Lainie slip out of the room, and as Justin accepts hugs from everyone and grabs pizza and revels in the fact that he’s _home_ and his friends are here and he’s sober and it’s everything he never thought he’d get to have.

They all hang out together long into the night, Charlie stays to help clean everything up, and by the time everyone is gone and Justin’s collapsed in bed with the lights off, he almost doesn’t know what to say to his brother.

But Clay has been sitting up with his own reading light on and Justin can hear him tossing and turning, sighing.

“What’s wrong?” He finally asks, turning to face his brother.

Clay looks over at his brother, shaking his head. “It doesn’t matter.”

“It does, or you would’ve shut your fucking light off and gone to sleep.”

Clay opens his mouth, hesitating. “If I say something really honest with you, will you get mad?”

Leaning up on his elbow, Justin shakes his head. “I want you to be honest with me.”

Clay nods, chewing on his lip. He turns to stare straight ahead, and then, for good measure, shuts his light off. “I’m worried that you’re going to relapse and struggle and I won’t notice again.”

“Clay…” Justin sighs. He moves to sit up, leaning back against the headboard. “I promise you I’m going to be better. I’m going to go to meetings, and I have a sponsor now who I can talk to about how to stay clean,” He explains. “I don’t want you to worry about me.”

“It’s really hard not to.”

“I know,” Justin replies quietly. He sighs, pressing his head back. “Will it help if I’m completely honest with you? Even when it’s rough and messy and scary.”

“I need you to do that,” Clay stresses. “I don’t care how bad it is. I’ve seen you puke all over my room,” He laughs. “I just… I want to know that you’re okay. I need that.”

“Okay,” Justin nods. He turns, eyes searching for his brother in the light streaming in from the window. “I will be honest with you. But if I’m going to be honest, you need to be honest with me, too.”

“Deal,” Clay nods. Justin laughs, turning back to face the other way.

For the first time in a month, Justin falls asleep in his own bed. Rather than a random roommate snoring beside him or nurses waking him up in the middle of the night, he falls asleep to his brother’s even breathing in the bed beside him.

For the first time in a long time, he doesn’t feel that sense of hopelessness buried in the back of his mind. He feels relaxed, content, loved, and maybe even hopeful.

Hopeful that this is the beginning of a new life for him. A life he had always wanted, one that he always thought he’d never get to have.

This is the beginning of him being better. Of him getting the help he needs, asking for it when he needs more, and letting his family help.

If he can’t do it for himself, he can do it for the Jensens.

His family. His home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys for reading and the comments/kudos! i hope you're still enjoying these :)
> 
> more will be up in a few days!
> 
> <3 <3 <3


	14. Healing.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Justin processes his past in therapy.

Dr. Ellman’s office is calm enough. A burnt orange color, guitars and photos hanging on the wall.

Each time Justin visits, he finds something new to focus on.

Today it’s the patterned rug underneath the coffee table that separates the two of them.

“If you feel ready, I’d like to talk about your mom today.”

Justin tenses his fingers, then relaxes them. “Yeah, sure. Whatever,” He shrugs.

“We both know that this needs to be firm consent,” Dr. Ellman reminds him. “Do you feel ready to talk about your mother? About your past?”

Taking a breath, Justin tears his gaze away from the carpet and looks back to Dr. Ellman. “I’m ready to talk about my mom. And my past.”

Nodding, Dr. Ellman smiles. “Tell me about your childhood. About your memories of growing up with your mom.”

Justin leans back against the sofa, chewing on his lip as he composes his thoughts. “We moved around a lot. She… she had a lot of boyfriends,” He swallows roughly. “She did her best with what she had.”

“And how were her boyfriends?”

“Fine,” He says quickly, and then sighs. “Some of them were fine,” He clarifies. He sees no reason to not be honest. “Most were… most didn’t like me. They didn’t like that she had a kid. That she kept me and brought me around them.”

“Did they play games with you?”

“No,” Justin says, scrunching his nose. “Most of the time they were high with my mom.”

“Did they hurt you?”

Justin doesn’t answer at first. His voice gets caught in his throat. He squeezes his hands together, welcoming the pain and discomfort, and, when he realizes words weren’t going to come, he nodded his head quickly.

“They mostly hit me, or verbally abused me,” Justin manages to say, voice quiet. “But that wasn’t — I don’t blame my mom for that.”

Dr. Ellman nods, writing something down. “Justin, was one of her boyfriends the one that sexually abused you when you were younger?”

“My mom didn’t know about that,” Justin stammers weakly. “She couldn’t have — there was no way she could have stopped that.”

Dr. Ellman remains stoic. “Do you think your mom is the reason you got into drugs?”

“No,” Justin replies firmly.

Dr. Ellman quirks an eyebrow. “You don’t think that growing up around drugs and drug dealers led you to try substances that you otherwise may not have?”

“I don’t blame my mom for anything that I did,” Justin argues. He’s growing agitated, crossing his arms over his chest. “She didn’t make me try anything. She was doing the best that she could. She told me she never wanted that life for me.”

“But she also put you in harms way on multiple occasions. She showed you that lifestyle more than once,” Dr. Ellman replies. “Both can be true, Justin. She could be doing the best she could, while also putting you in harms way.”

Burying himself further back in the couch, Justin sighs. “I loved my mom,” He says quietly. “I still do.”

“Do you think she loved you?”

Justin wants to laugh at the question. He wants to tell Dr. Ellman that he’s being ridiculous, that of course she loved him.

But then he thinks about it.

And he shrugs uncomfortably. “I don’t know.”

“You know that your mom was doing the best she could with what she had,” He begins, setting his notebook down on his lap. “Can you tell me a time specifically where you felt she let you down?”

“She let me down a lot,” He admits quietly. “I can’t remember her ever being at one of my basketball or football games. She never usually had food for me, or if she did, it wasn’t really enough. She would miss events, forget to pick me up, not even know where I was for days at a time.” Swallowing roughly, he folds his hands together. “Right before I ran away, she um, she watched her boyfriend choke me.”

“And what did she do?”

“Told him to stop because the neighbors would call the police,” He mumbles, roughly running his hands over his eyes. “And then when he stopped, she followed him back into the bedroom.”

“Did she check to see if you were okay?”

Letting the tears fall, Justin shakes his head. “She gave me this sad look, and then she turned and left.”

“Do you ever feel like she put you in harms way?”

Justin laughs, looking back at him. “She took me to drug deals with her,” He says, coughing. “She let me live with abusers. She knew they were hitting me. She knew — they weren’t nice to her either, but she knew they were mean to me too.” He roughly wipes his eyes with the heel of his hand. “She let me find her with needles stuck in her arm, left them laying around the house when I was little. She didn’t fucking care about safety. That wasn’t her priority.”

For Justin, it’s all starting to make sense. Her priority was getting the next hit. Not him. And he never let himself believe this until now.

Silently, Dr. Ellman offers Justin a tissue. He takes it, reveling in the quiet of the room for a moment before Dr. Ellman continues. “Justin, do you find it hard to want to be saved? By the Jensens, or by anyone?” He asks. “Do you think you’re capable of being loved by someone other than your mother?”

“Yeah, I —“ He stops himself, staring at his lap. “I’m just not sure I deserve it.”

“Why is that?”

“Because…” He breathes. Standing up, he begins to pace. “Because if my own mom couldn’t love me, why would someone else’s parents be able to love me? Or take care of me? Or want… or want to save me at all?”

Dr. Ellman watches carefully, never interfering. “Do you think the Jensens haven’t done whatever they could to save you?”

“They _have_ , but why would they keep doing it for the rest of their lives?” He asks. “They’ll have to get tired of me eventually.”

Dr. Ellman nods, almost as if he understands. “Justin, when the Jensens adopted you, they made a promise to take care of you for the rest of their lives,” He reminds him. “They want to give you the love that you hadn’t received from your mother. They want to have the opportunity to take care of you, to nurture you, to guide you in the right direction.”

Justin nods. “But why?” He asks, strained. “I’ve done nothing to deserve that.”

“Because they love you, Justin,” Dr. Ellman replies simply. “You don’t have to do anything to deserve love from anyone, but especially the Jensens.”

Justin chews on his lip until he tastes blood, sitting back down on the sofa. “What do you think about me then?”

A smile appears at the corner of Dr. Ellman’s lips. “I think there’s part of you deep down that doesn’t think you deserve to be loved or cared for,” He replies easily. “And I think that’s what we need to work on.”

“You can love your mom and understand that you deserve better,” He continues, looking back at Justin. “If given the chance to go back to your mother’s, to reverse the adoption and no longer be Matt and Lainie’s son, do you think you would take that opportunity?”

Justin’s lip trembles as the question plays through his mind. He knows the answer, and maybe that’s what makes it so hard to say.

“No, I would stay with the Jensens.”

He doesn’t bother stopping the tears, doesn’t even try to hide them, but he does hastily wipe them away. “They’ve been better parents in a year than my mom was the first 17 years.”

He takes a breath, calming himself down. “I… my mom was my mom. I love her, I love that she did her best given what she had in her own life, but it wasn’t enough. And it’s okay for me to say that.”

Dr. Ellman nods, folding his hands in his lap. “That’s what we’re going to keep working on.”

—

Justin bails on his plans to hang out with Zach and some of the football team.

He doesn’t have the energy, he decides when he climbs back into the car after therapy. It took a lot out of him, and, after coming to the realization and admitting that his mother was not the mother he makes her out to be, he really thinks he just needs to be home.

Around his family.

He slips in the back door, hanging the car keys up and looking around.

When he finds that no one is downstairs, Justin makes his way upstairs and stops in Matt and Lainie’s doorway, finding Lainie sitting in bed on her laptop. “I’m home.”

Looking up over the lid of her laptop, Lainie smiles. “Hi, sweetheart,” She says, taking her glasses off. “I thought you were going out with Zach and some of the guys from football after therapy?”

Shrugging, Justin sighs. “I told them I couldn’t hang out. I’m just tired, I think,” He says. “Where’s Clay?”

“Over at Ani’s,” She replies. Studying him for a moment, Lainie furrows her eyebrows. “Are you okay, love? Everything went okay with Dr. Ellman?”

“Yeah,” Justin breathes. He shifts on his feet, shoving his hands into his pockets. “I just… I don’t really think I want to be alone right now. Or like, with friends.”

Closing the lid of her laptop halfway, Lainie’s eyebrows knit in concern. “Come sit down with me, honey,” She says, patting Matt’s side of the bed.

Justin hesitates, and then obliges, lying down on Matt’s side next to Lainie. “You can keep working. I’m fine like this.”

“Do you want to talk about anything?”

“Not right now,” Justin replies. He folds his hands together, picking at his cuticles as he stares at the ceiling.

For a while, the only sound in the room comes from Lainie typing on her laptop. It’s comforting, Justin thinks. He’s never even had this before, just someone willing to sit with him when he doesn’t want to be alone.

He shifts, continuing to stare at the ceiling. “My mom did a lot of bad things when I was in her care.”

He hears the typing stop. Lainie doesn’t say anything, but Justin can see her turn to look at him out of the corner of his eye.

“She should’ve taken care of me. She should’ve guided me. She should’ve gotten me out of those bad situations.”

“She should have,” Lainie agrees quietly. Her hand hovers, and then she brushes her fingers against his cheek.

Justin turns, leaning into her touch as she cups his face carefully. “I’m not even sure she ever loved me,” He sighs, his eyes glassy. “So why do I still love her?”

Lainie smiles sadly. “Oh, love,” She soothes, thumb brushing against his cheek as he blinks, a tear falling. “Did you talk about your mom at therapy today?”

Taking a breath, Justin pauses. He knows he doesn’t have to answer her. He can say he doesn't want to talk about therapy anymore, and Lainie would drop it. She and Matt had set firm boundaries around it, promising that everything can stay between him and Dr. Ellman if he’d like, or they can talk about it further when he's home.

It’s been the one thing Justin’s been grateful for with the whole therapy thing. The explicit boundaries, the safe space to talk about things without Matt and Lainie prying or begging for more information.

But today, he nods. He chew on his lip, turning on his side as Lainie strokes his cheek softly with the back of her hand. “I can see why she wasn’t a good mom. Why I looked at her as being a good mom because it was all I knew,” He mumbles. “And I know that she was trying her best. But it wasn’t enough.”

“It wasn’t,” She nods. She moves her laptop to her bedside table, opening her arms. It’s more of an offer, really — she doesn’t expect Justin to welcome the embrace or the physical contact — but she’s relieved when he does, resting his head on her shoulder.

“I don’t think she loved me, Lainie.”

“Justin,” Lainie sighs. “I think your mother loved you.” Biting her lip, she lets the comment sit in the air for a moment. Unsure how to approach this, she wishes Matt were here. “I think she didn’t know how to express that to you, and I think she let you down far more often than any child should have been let down by their mother.”

“You wouldn’t have let Clay down like that,” He mumbles against her shoulder, shifting. “You would’ve made sure that he had food, and he wasn’t beat by your boyfriends. He would’ve never have had to find you overdosed with a needle in your arm.”

Lainie flinches. Justin’s words are laced with venom, growing angrier by the minute. She watches him clench and unclench his hand until his fingernails leave marks in his palms, and after a moment’s hesitation, she reaches out to hold it.

“Your mother is sick, Justin,” She reminds him gently. “But that doesn’t excuse anything that she’s put you through or made you witness.” Leaning down, she rests her cheek against the top of his head. “I know nothing I say will take back what she put you through. The words won’t make you feel better, they won’t take the pain of what you’ve been through away. But you cannot blame yourself for the pain your mother put you through. You cannot put all this hurt and anger solely on yourself.”

She presses a kiss to his hair, and when his shoulders relax and he finally lets himself cry, Lainie feels her heart break. “Shh, it’s okay, love,” She soothes, but she knows it doesn’t help. So she keeps rubbing his back and holding him close, and when he finally begins to calm down, she only slightly loosens her grip.

Enough for him to know that he can stop the physical contact whenever he wants.

But he doesn’t pull away, even when Matt’s footsteps and voice carry up the stairs.

“I know you said the boys are out, but I bought a little extra food for the two of them in case they’re hungry when they get —“

Matt stops, standing in the doorway at the sight in front of him. Lainie smiles, mouthing “I’ll tell you later” when he looks back to her, eyes searching.

“I can love my mom and still let you… let you save me. And help me start healing.”

“You can,” Lainie nods. “And we will do whatever you need to help you start healing, okay?”

Justin nods, and, deciding to take the opportunity, Matt steps in. “We’re not going anywhere, Justin,” He offers, despite only knowing half the story. “Even when you probably don’t want us to be there, we’re going to be.”

Justin laughs, looking back to Matt as he sits down opposite him. “I feel really fucking ridiculous right now,” He says, the three of them laughing.

“There is nothing ridiculous about needing us,” Lainie reminds him, kissing his cheek. “There’s nothing ridiculous or embarrassing about needing affection or reassurance about whatever it is that you’re feeling. And whenever you need that, whether it’s right now, first thing in the morning, or in the middle of the night, we are there to give it to you.”

“Clay is too, by the way,” Matt reminds him, smiling as he runs his fingers through Justin’s hair. “We know he acts like he’s annoyed by your antics, that he hates your habits and how total opposites the two of you are.” Justin laughs, shaking his head. “But he loves you, kid. And he’ll be there if you’d rather talk to him.”

Justin breathes, nodding. “Thank you. Seriously,” He says, looking between them both. “For taking care of me. And for loving me.”

Both smile back at him. “Always, sweetheart,” Lainie promises.

“We love you, too. You’re stuck with us forever, kid,” Matt smiles, the three of them laughing when they both hug him.

“When you feel ready, there’s Chinese food waiting downstairs for us. But we don’t have to go right away. There’s no rush,” Lainie promises.

Selfishly, Lainie hopes he gives it a few minutes.

Justin does give it a few minutes, slowing his breathing and leaning back against the pillows, grateful to be surrounded by two parents who love him with no conditions required.

And somewhere, his brother hung out with his friends, and Justin knows he loves him too.

That all the sentiments Lainie told him that afternoon would also be said by Matt or Clay. That Clay would beg him to accept this love. To not feel stupid about these feelings and letting himself be loved or cared for in this way.

He’d probably tell him that he’s cried in his mom’s arms, too, laying in her bed when he felt like nothing was going right.

After a few minutes, Justin sits up. “Can we go eat dinner?”

“Of course,” Matt and Lainie nod, and together the three of them walk back downstairs, putting on a show and eating in front of the TV, a rare occasion that Justin welcomes without any questions asked.

Clay comes home, nestling himself on the sofa next to Justin, stealing a sip of his drink. And for how hard that day had been, for how difficult it was for him to accept that it was okay to let the Jensens save him, he thinks maybe it’ll all be okay.

Because he has them, and together they’re going to work through all of this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys so much for reading/commenting/leaving kudos! :) i'm so glad you guys are enjoying these
> 
> next one will be clay-centric :)
> 
> see you in a few days! :) <3 <3 <3


	15. Clay.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the three times Justin helps Clay through everything.

Clay is a bad liar.

Maybe most people don’t notice the lies, but Justin does every single time.

Justin has always been able to see through them. The omissions he tells his parents when he doesn’t want them to know about what's going on at school. What he tells people at school who are prying for more information on whatever drama is going on. The lies to everyone else who ask Clay how he’s doing or if he needs anything, which he always says he’s fine.

So when Clay stares at himself in the bathroom mirror convincing Justin that he’s fine, Justin sees through it.

“Dude, you can barely hold yourself up. You’re as pale as your shirt and it’s pretty clear you just threw up,” Justin argues, crossing his arms over his chest. “Just admit that you’re sick and let’s get on with it.”

“Fuck you,” Clay says weakly, looking back at his brother through the mirror. “I’m fine. I just… I need to get moving.”

“You need water and meds and to get back in bed.”

“Ani and I have plans.”

“That can be canceled. She’s not going to want to hang out with you like this,” Justin smirks, standing in front of the doorway. “Clay, just stop. If I move to let you out of the bathroom, will you go back to bed?”

Clay stares back at Justin, one hand on the sink, and then sulks. “Fine, whatever.”

“Thank you,” Justin smiles, proud of himself for winning the argument, and steps aside to watch his brother go back and collapse in his bed.

“I’m going to go inside and get you some medicine and toast. Don’t move.”

“Don’t think I can,” Clay mumbles into his pillow, burying further under the comforter when Justin pulls it over him.

Lainie smiles when Justin walks in the back door. “Morning, love.”

“Morning,” Justin replies, pulling the bread from the drawer and beginning to make toast. “Clay is sick,” He says when he turns back around, leaning against the counter. “I’ll take care of him, but do we have any medicine he can take?”

Frowning, Lainie stands up to look through the cabinet. “What kind of sick? Should I check in on him?”

“I can take care of him,” Justin immediately offers, eager to be helpful. “He threw up this morning, but he won’t admit it. I don’t know what kind of sick, he just doesn’t look good.”

Lainie nods, hesitating before handing Justin two pills. “He needs to eat at least one piece of toast before he takes these. Make sure he keeps drinking water. And Justin,” She says, looking back to her youngest, “I’m going to come check on him in an hour. But you come get me if you need me sooner.”

“I will,” Justin promises. “But, I can take care of him, Lainie. You don’t have to worry.”

Lainie smiles, kissing his cheek. “I’m always going to worry about both of you. But I’ll let you take care of him for now.”

Maybe it was because she saw Justin’s need to take care of people that she was okay with this. She doesn’t think Justin needed to be explicit in his past life and taking care of his mother for her to know that this is all he knew how to do.

Take care of people when they were hurting. Nursing them through highs or being sick.

And so, against every instinct she’s had as a mother, Lainie takes a step back. She watches as Justin butters the toast lightly and balances everything in his hand, slipping out the back door to take care of his brother.

When Justin returns to the outhouse, Clay is fluttering between awake and asleep. He sets his things down on their dressers, nudging Clay and sitting down in the sliver of bed available. “Dude, you need to wake up and eat this so you can take meds.”

Clay moans, turning to pull himself up just far enough to eat. “Did you bring the meds?”

“Yeah, but Lainie said you have to eat at least one piece of toast before you can have them.”

Clay rolls his eyes, amusing Justin and taking a bite of toast. He gags, pushing the plate back towards Justin.

“Dude, you need to eat it,” Justin sighs, pushing the plate back to his brother. “Take smaller bites, you won’t gag if you do that.”

Clay’s silent, but gives in to his brother’s suggestion and takes a smaller bite, reaching for the water. It takes almost 20 minutes, each swallow comes with a wince, and when he finishes Clay eagerly takes the pills from Justin’s hand, swallowing them quickly.

“Lainie is going to come check on you soon. But try to sleep.”

Clay nods, sinking back down against the pillows and falling asleep with relative ease, his snores abundant throughout the outhouse.

—

True to her word, Lainie quietly arrives to the outhouse an hour later to find Clay asleep and Justin working on homework in his bed. “Everything okay?”

Justin looks up, nodding. “He almost threw up the toast, but I got him to slow down and that helped.”

Lainie nods, leaning down and pressing the thermometer carefully in Clay’s ear. Clay stirs, opening his eyes and trying to smile. “It’s not that bad.”

“Justin tells me otherwise.”

“He’s lying,” Clay argues, turning over and sitting up slowly. Lainie watches, giving Clay a sympathetic smile when he gives up, leaning back against the pillows. “Okay, so maybe I’m sick.”

“Let Justin take care of you.”

“You’re leaving Justin in charge?” Clay asks, furrowing his eyebrows. “He can barely take care of himself.”

“I don’t necessarily think that’s true,” Lainie offers. “Justin can take care of you, but Dad and I are just inside if you need us. It’ll be fine, go back to sleep.”

She leaves a kiss on his forehead, turning back to Justin. “I’ll bring more medication out when he can have it. You okay with soup for lunch? Matt began making some when he heard Clay wasn’t feeling well.”

“That’s fine,” Justin nods. “I’ll let you know if we need anything.”

Lainie nods, kissing his forehead and leaving the outhouse.

“I can’t believe she’s leaving you in charge of nursing me back to health.”

“Shut up and go to sleep,” Justin quips, smiling when Clay rolls his eyes and obliges anyway.

—

The entire night is spent huddled in their shared bathroom, Clay feeling too nauseous and weak to get up and move back to bed.

Justin juggles between rubbing Clay’s back while he vomits to sitting beside him with their backs against the wall, urging him to sip the water and pressing a cool washcloth to his forehead. “I know this sucks, dude, but you’ve gotta just get it all out. You’ll feel better if you do.”

“I don’t have anything left to throw up,” Clay replies weakly after the fourth round, collapsing back against the wall, shoulder nudging his brother’s. “You can go back to bed.”

“No, I can’t,” Justin replies simply, pushing the water bottle back into his brother’s hand. “Clay, I’m not leaving you alone on the bathroom floor for the rest of the night. You need me.”

“You’re gonna get sick.”

Justin shrugs, lifting Clay’s hand to his lips. “Maybe,” He replies simply. “But it’ll be fine.”

Clay moans, pressing his head back against the wall. “I think my stomach is rebelling against me.”

“Judging by the fact that we’ve been in here for two hours and you’ve thrown up four times, I’d have to agree,” Justin smiles. He yawns, pulling his hand over his face. “Think you’re ready to go back to bed yet?”

Clay moves just enough, and then quickly shakes his head. Justin takes that as his answer, standing up and wetting another washcloth, grabbing the thermometer Lainie left in the bathroom earlier that afternoon.

“You still have a fever,” He mumbles, setting the thermometer back on the counter and sitting down, pressing the washcloth to his brother’s forehead.

Clay leans his head against Justin’s shoulder, sighing. “How do you… you know what to do. To make it better.”

Justin smiles, pulling the washcloth back into his hand. “My mom,” He whispers. There’s a brief silence, and then he finds the words again. “When she would be strung out or she would overdose, and I just. I was the only one there.”

“I learned from watching those old medical TV shows. The ones they show on basic cable for the old people?” The sentence manages the smallest of laughs from Clay. “I saw how they took care of people when they were hurt or sick, and I just did what I thought my mom needed. She never told me that it didn’t work or that she hated it, so I just. I figured that maybe it would help you, too.”

Clay nods. “It does help,” He whispers, taking a sip of water for good measure. “You’re like, oddly comforting when you have to be.”

Justin smiles. “I’m going to take that compliment,” He says quietly.

Clay laughs, and when he leans forward to vomit what little is left in his stomach, Justin is right there, rubbing his back and promising him it’s going to be okay.

____________________________________________________________________________

It’s not that Justin is disappointed to walk back into the outhouse after taking Jess home to find Clay there, he’s just not expecting to see him buried under the blankets on his bed, eyes just barely poking out as he watches him toss his things onto his bed.

“Thought you and Ani had plans? Weren’t you getting ready for them when I left?”

Pulling the blankets down just far enough to reveal his entire face, Clay sighs. “Turns out the plans she made were really to just break up with me.”

Pausing, Justin looks back at his brother. “Shit, man. I’m sorry.”

Clay shrugs, turning to stare at the ceiling. “It’s fine, I just didn’t see it coming. I thought things were going well.”

“They were, weren’t they?”

“I guess not,” Clay sighs. “She said she thinks it’s for the best if we spend our senior year as friends. That there’s too much going on for her to want to focus on a relationship, too.”

Justin pulls off his shirt, changing into a different t-shirt. “Look, breakups suck, but I’m not letting you mope around here,” He sighs, walking over to the TV. “Get up, come sit on the sofa.”

“Let me lay here.”

Glancing back, Justin laughs. “You’re not going to feel any better burying yourself in your bed and moping around. Come watch a movie with me. I’ll make popcorn, we can hang out and do nothing and you can be all in your feelings away from your bed.”

Clay rolls his eyes, kicking the blankets off and walking towards the sofa. He pulls the blanket off the back and wraps it around him while Justin makes the popcorn. “I thought you had plans with Zach and Charlie.”

Justin pulls a bowl down from the cabinet. “Doesn’t matter,” He shrugs. “Zach was probably going to hang out with some of the other guys from the team, and Charlie mentioned hanging out with Alex tonight anyway. I told them we could just hang out some other time.”

“I don’t need you to cancel plans for me.”

“Who said I was doing this for you?” Justin retorts, falling onto the sofa beside his brother. “I've been waiting for you to find time to hang out with me so we can keep watching _Star Wars_.”

“You don't like it that much,” Clay mumbles, pulling the popcorn into his lap.

Smiling, Justin sticks his hand into the bowl. “Maybe not, but you’ve got me invested now. So, can we watch?”

There’s a hint of a smile that ghosts over Clay’s face as he nods, reaching forward to turn on the TV. “Sure.”

The two boys eat their popcorn in silence, Justin asks questions here and there when he manages to get lost through the plot despite mostly paying attention, and slowly Clay starts to feel the distraction starting to set in, the breakup pushed to the back of his mind.

When the popcorn is reduced to kernels, Justin moves the bowl and sets it on the coffee table in front of them. Laying down, he rests his head in Clay’s lap, laughing when Clay sighs and begins playing with his hair.

And maybe normally he wouldn’t do this, maybe normally he’d give Clay his space and only be slightly annoying like this to make him laugh, but he also knows that Clay likes taking care of him. Clay likes to feel wanted, likes to have a distraction and something good to do that takes care of other people when he’s distracted or upset about something.

Justin is super aware of this. Which is why he doesn’t get annoyed when Clay channels his sadness into meticulously cleaning the outhouse and he can’t find things the next day. It’s why he doesn’t lash out at Clay when he gets annoyed helping him with his homework or reading over his English essay.

He knows his brother needs something to keep him occupied or make him feel like he’s useful and wanted. And if that means Justin needs to lay in his lap and let him play with his hair, he’ll do it.

It’s a nice bonus that it also feels good.

When the movie ends, Justin doesn’t make any attempts to move. “There’s more, right?” He asks. “Want to watch another one?”

Clay’s fingers pause, tangled in Justin’s hair. “You’re sure you’re not just watching these so I’ll feel better?”

Justin smiles, turning back to look at his brother. “So what if I was?” He challenges. “You want me to see them anyway, and besides, I think I’m starting to enjoy these movies. I like the little green thing.”

“Yoda, Justin. Jesus,” Clay groans, smiling when Justin laughs and reaches for the remote to turn another one on.

Justin eventually does move away from Clay’s lap, curling up on the opposite side of the sofa. They watch two more movies extending late into the night, and it’s Justin that calls it quits. “I think we both need to get some sleep. We can watch more tomorrow?”

“Thinking about laying in my bed all day tomorrow. Being sad about my breakup that you desperately have tried to cover up.”

“Absolutely not,” Justin shakes his head, tossing the blanket back on the chair across from them. “You’re not sitting around this room moping because you’re sad about a breakup. They suck, but doing nothing won’t make things any better.”

Clay walks back to his bed, sighing. “Whatever.”

Justin pauses, pulling his t-shirt off and looking at his brother. “I love you, okay. And we’ll get you through this breakup. It’s going to suck for a while, but you’ll be fine.”

Clay waits until Justin’s in his bed before shutting his own light off, darkness filling the room. “Justin?”

“Hm?”

“Thank you for helping me. I love you, too.”

____________________________________________________________________________

On Justin’s first night home from rehab, he broke up with Jess and spent the evening with Clay in the outhouse.

He remembers Clay hovering just the right amount, making sure he was okay and settling back into home after the most terrifying month of his life.

So, on the night Clay returns home from his escape from the psych ward, Justin finds himself wide awake staring at his brother from his side of the room.

He lets him get changed in the bathroom, undoing his bed for him so all he has to do is slide in. Busying himself in the kitchen, he makes the only thing they have left — popcorn.

“When is the last time you ate?” Justin asks when Clay reemerges, walking over to his bed and climbing in. “It must’ve been hours, right?”

“Can’t remember,” Clay mumbles. He sits up, leaning back against the headboard, and stares at his lap. “Probably yesterday.”

“You didn’t eat anything when you were with Dr. Ellman?”

Clay shakes his head.

The microwave beeps, and quietly Justin pulls a bowl down from the cabinet, dumping the snack in. He grabs a bottle of water from the fridge, walking back over to Clay’s bed, and sits down in a space that aren’t occupied by his brother’s legs.

“I know it’s not great, but it’s all we have in here,” Justin explains, holding the bowl out for Clay. “If you want, I can go into the house and get something that resembles an actual meal for you. You have to be starving, and I’m pretty sure there’s leftovers from dinner.”

Clay shrugs, sticking his hand in and taking a handful of popcorn. “Not that hungry,” He says softly. “Just want you to stay here.”

Justin nods, taking a handful of popcorn for himself. “You okay? Want to talk about anything?”

Clay shakes his head. He reaches for the water bottle, thanking Justin quietly when he unscrews the cap for him.

“Where did you go, Clay?”

“I don’t know,” Clay whispers, squeezing his eyes shut. “I just… I went to the pier. And then I went to Dr. Ellman’s house, and I told him that I needed to talk. That things… that I needed help to make things change.”

Justin nods. “Okay, and did that go okay?”  
Clay shrugs noncommittally. “I think so. I’m going to see him twice a week instead of the usual nice a week.”

“That’s not necessarily a bad thing. I think it’ll do you a lot of good right now.”

“Maybe,” He replies weakly. Taking another handful of popcorn, Clay sighs. “I don’t… I’m not crazy, Justin. You have to believe me.”

“I do believe you,” Justin promises, voice firm like he means it. “I know you’re not crazy.”

“I’m just scared,” He mumbles. “What happens to us? If all of this comes out… if Winston puts the pieces together that we framed Monty.”

Justin sighs, nudging the water bottle in Clay’s hand for him to take a sip. “I don’t know, Clay,” Justin replies truthfully. “But right now all we can worry about is making sure that you get better. That you talk to Dr. Ellman, you do what he says, and you maybe don’t escape from anymore supervision care that they think is necessary.”

Clay nods. “They weren’t helping me there,” He replies weakly. “It was stupid. And they weren’t doing anything to make me feel better. They were just worried that I was going to kill myself.”  
“They had every reason to believe that, Clay,” Justin replies softly. “You did wave a gun around in the middle of school, dude. It’s not like they were doing this over nothing.”

“Yeah, but like, I don’t know. All they did was hold me in that room strapped to the table.”

Justin sighs. “How did you even escape anyway?”Ducking his head, Clay takes another sip of water. “I told them I shit myself.”  
“Clay…”

“He let me up to go to the bathroom to change. I stole my clothes back, changed, and slipped out when the nurses were getting a new gown or whatever.”

Justin bites back a smile. “As much as I don’t condone the fact that you snuck out of a psych ward, I must say that I never saw you going to these lengths to get out. I’m almost impressed, Jensen,” He says. “Don’t tell Matt and Lainie I said that.”

“They’re disappointed enough for you,” Clay reminds him. “I’m sorry. For stressing you out or worrying you or whatever.”

“I don’t give a fuck about that,” Justin promises. “All I care about is you getting better. I’m not leaving, you know. I’m going to be right here, and I’m going to be annoying and loud and you’re going to hate how much I bother you about how you’re feeling and taking your meds and talking to Dr. Ellman about all the shit we’ve been through. But I’m doing it because I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Clay nods, holding out his hand.

Justin takes it, squeezing gently. “We’re going to get through this. I don’t know how, but I know that we’re going to do it together.”

Clay breathes, sinking back against the pillows further. “Okay,” He whispers.

Justin fills Clay in on everything he missed at school that day, waiting until he falls asleep before cleaning up the popcorn and the water and going to bed himself.

And maybe things weren’t okay right now, that much Justin could admit, but he also knew that he wasn’t going to stop fighting for Clay. He wasn’t going to leave him to fight this alone, and he hoped his brother realized that.

Clay wasn’t always going to like Justin’s offers to help. Justin was prepared to be met with no more than yes. But if he could make his brother realize that he was doing this for his own good, he thinks maybe they’ll be okay. Maybe somehow they’ll get through anything thrown their way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys for reading/commenting/leaving kudos!
> 
> there's probably not too many more of these :( but i am working on other 13rw fics (maybe multichapter) if you're interested! :)
> 
> see you in a few days! <3 <3 <3


	16. College.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clay finds out about Justin's college essay, and the Jensens move Clay into college

There were three weeks left before everything changed again.

It wasn’t like Clay and Justin were counting down the weeks before they were separated for the first time, necessarily, but the growing pile of dorm supplies in the dining room and Lainie’s incessant checklist of ensuring Clay had everything he needed was a constant reminder that this change was closer than any of them were ready for.

Justin, after a lot of back and forth and discussions with all of the Jensens, decided to go to Sanderson. He didn’t think he was ready to be at college, not with the partying and the relapse he was still recovering from a few months ago. Matt and Lainie always offered the prospect of transferring, or even living on campus at Sanderson the following year, but right now he couldn’t fathom looking that far ahead.

Clay was going to Brown. His dream school, that, for the majority of senior year, he was positive was a pipe dream. He thought a lot about it, talked about it in therapy with Dr. Ellman, if they all thought he was ready to be across the country from everyone and everything he’s ever known.

Everyone was in agreement that he was ready. Dr. Ellman had helped him find a list of resources for therapy in Rhode Island for Clay should he find that he need them, and their last few sessions were centered around next steps and the impending big move.

Justin shoved the way he felt far down under the surface. He was happy for Clay, realized that this was his dream and he was doing so well and it was everything he deserved. But in three weeks, he was going back to being an only child. His life would no longer be clung so closely to the boy he now gets to call his brother.

He would still have Matt and Lainie, who he loved and knew that nothing would change with them, but it didn’t make him any less nervous.

So he busies himself going through Clay’s bookshelf in the outhouse, laughing at the variety of things Clay had managed to accumulate. “You really brought in this science thing?” He asks one afternoon, laughing.

Clay rolls his eyes, plucking it from his brother’s hand. “It’s a model of the solar system.”

“Like we made in fourth grade?” Justin asks. He’s teasing, a smile evident on his face, but Clay just tosses it into the trash bag beside him. “Dude, you don’t have to throw it out if you don’t want to. It was really good.”

“It should’ve just stayed in my old room.”

“So put it back in there.”Clay shrugs, and Justin walks over and pulls it out of the trash bag. “If I’m going to live in here alone, I’ll need something to remind me of you,” He says, setting it back on the shelf between their beds. “And I’d prefer to remember you as my nerdy brother.”

“You’re ridiculous,” Clay sighs, shaking his head, but he doesn’t pull the solar system off the shelf and that alone is enough satisfy Justin, who goes back to sorting through their drawers and pulling clothes of Clay’s that had somehow ended up in his hands.

“What’s this?” Clay asks, digging through a box Justin had shoved into one of the empty cubbies, the remnants of his locker still tucked inside. “First of all, you should have put half of the shit in here through the wash.”

“Sorry,” Justin laughs, turning to look back at his brother. “Why don’t you just read it if you want to know what it is?”

Clay looks back at him. “It’s your box of things, not mine.”

“Clay, you’ve almost walked in on me jerking off more times than you know. You’re drawing the line at reading a piece of paper you found in the box of things from my locker? Even after I told you to read it?”

Shrugging, Clay smiles. “Okay, I’ll read it,” He concedes, sitting down on his bed and carefully unfolding the paper.

Justin, suddenly feeling self conscious about his brother reading the single most important thing he’s ever written, goes back to sorting through his clothes and tossing Clay’s things back onto his bed.

“Wait, this is your college essay,” Clay says after a moment, looking back to his brother. “That’s what this is, right?”

“Right,” Justin nods.

Clay studies Justin for a moment, and then turns back to the essay. Justin feels like his heart is leaping out of his chest, hands shaking as he sorts through his clothes, and then he hears Clay clear his throat.

“You wrote about… you wrote your essay about me?”

Justin smiles. “They said to write about a positive influence in your life.”

Clay stares at him, and then turns back to the paper. “He’s always been there. Because he’s… he’s my —“

“He’s my brother. He’s my positive influence,” Justin continues, back facing his brother. “He’s the reason I’m alive and able to write this college essay in the first place.”

“Justin…”

Forcing himself to turn around, Justin sits down on his bed and looks at his brother. “You saved my life, Clay, but you already knew that,” He reminds him. “And maybe this is the beginning of everything changing, but you being the reason I’m alive and me getting into college is the one thing I know is true.”

“You got into college because you got your grades better,” Clay replies weakly.

“And my grades got better because you sat and tutored me through everything I didn’t understand,” Justin reminds him. “Clay, you are the single most positive influence in my life. I wouldn’t be going to college without you. I wouldn’t have a family without you. I probably wouldn’t even be _alive_ without you.”

Clay takes a shaky breath and stands up to walk over to Justin’s bed. Before Justin has a chance to ask what’s happen he’s pulled against his brother’s chest, Clay squeezing as he rests his chin on Justin’s shoulder.

“How am I supposed to do this without you?”

Justin wraps his arms around his brother, squeezing back just as tightly. He knows what Clay means. Being across the country from each other, school, and trouble they find themselves in. Doing this next step without sharing a room, without being right there the second they need each other.

He turns his head to face Clay’s neck. “It’s like you said in your graduation speech. We’ll survive.”

—

“Are you nervous? Being all the way in Rhode Island?” The question comes after hours of work to pack Clay’s things and sort through the outhouse. It’s a question that had been consuming Justin’s brain for weeks, but he’d always been too nervous to say it.

“Kind of,” Clay sighs. “But it’ll be good for me, I think. And it’s probably good for the two of us to be apart.”

Justin looks back to him, tossing him a t-shirt to put in the suitcase. “Probably,” He shrugs. “But I’m going to miss you being here. It’s just going to be the three of us, and it’ll feel weird without you.”

“It’s going to feel weird without you guys, too,” He says quietly. “I’m going to miss you. A lot. But you can always come visit me when you have time. And I’ll be home for breaks, and we can FaceTime, too. Whenever you need me.”

“You’re going to be three hours ahead,” Justin reminds him gently.

It’s left unsaid, Clay knows, that Justin is referring to needing his brother when it’s too late on the east coast. Often times Justin’s need for Clay to get him through the hard moments or the cravings or the bad days is in the middle of the night, long after both boys had told their parents they were going to bed.

Because Justin needs him at all hours, and maybe this move is just as hard on him as it is for Clay himself.

“If I see you calling at two in the morning, I’m always going to answer. I don’t stop helping you when you need it just because I’m across the country,” He says. “And Mom and Dad are here. They understand, Justin, and they want to help. They won’t judge you for anything you tell them.”

“I know,” Justin nods. There’s a silence between them, and then he looks back. “What if I’m not ready for college?”

Clay zips up the bag on his bed, glancing back at his brother. “What if we’re both not ready?” He challenges. Dropping the bag on the floor, Clay turns back. “We’re never going to know if we’re ready if we don’t try.”

“I think you’re ready,” Justin offers, smiling at his brother.

“I think you are, too,” Clay counters.

Justin nods, glancing at his phone. “Dinner is probably going to be ready soon. We should go in and help.”

Clay tosses the rest of his clothes back onto the end of his bed, nodding. Together they walk back into the house, and as dinner is filled with conversation about packing efficiently and flights to Rhode Island, both Justin and Clay think maybe they’ll figure all of this out and be okay.

—

Justin doesn’t admit that the flight to Rhode Island is the first flight he’s ever been on.

If he’s being honest, he thought that was common knowledge. Clay knew about his childhood, knew he was poor and didn’t have money for food let alone trips, and figured maybe that background would be enough to put the pieces together.

Evidently he was wrong.

Clay notices the anxiety when they’re waiting at the gate. The way his legs shake, or his refusal to go get a snack before they board despite not eating that morning. He waits until Matt and Lainie safely leave in search of food before sliding into the seat beside his brother.

“This is your first time flying, right?”

Justin leans back, nodding. “Personally, I think metal tubes don’t belong in the sky.”

Clay laughs. “It’s not that bad. You’ll be fine.”

“You don’t know that.”

“It’s two flights. One four hour flight, then a layover, and then two more hours.”

“Great, so I have to get off this plane and then on another one.”

Clay, ready to bite back at his brother, stops himself. He notices the way Justin’s anxiety only seems to be getting worse, just on the verge of other people noticing. “Okay, relax. You have to take a deep breath and calm down.”

Justin tightens his fists, loosening them again and then taking a breath. “It’s so fucking stupid that I’m anxious over flying. You’re perfectly fine.”  
“I get anxious over the dumbest things. Talking to people, accidentally slipping and revealing everything. I win this,” Clay smiles. “Besides, a lot of people get anxious about flying. You’re definitely not the only one.”

Justin looks around. “Everyone else seems fine.”

“I’m sure there’s someone here who’s just as nervous as you are, they’re just hiding it really well.”

Justin sinks further into his seat, tapping his foot quickly.

“Look, Mom loves flying. Sit with her for the first flight, and then you and I can sit together on the second flight if you want, okay?” Clay offers, staring at his brother.

“Wanted to spend the last few hours with you.”

“And we will. We also have the whole weekend to spend together before you come back home,” Clay promises. “But Mom will be better to sit next to if you’re nervous, and I’ll be right across the aisle with Dad. If you feel fine, we can always ask to switch so we’re next to each other.”

Justin reluctantly agrees, smiling at Matt and Lainie when they join them back at the gate. “We bought you a muffin and orange juice. You have to be getting hungry, sweetheart, you barely touched your breakfast before we left home.”

Justin nods, thanking them quietly. He opens the muffin painfully slow, and, when Clay realizes Justin isn’t going to say anything, he decides to speak up.

“Justin’s going to sit with Mom for the first flight,” He announces, ignoring Justin’s glare and focusing back on his parents. “He’s never flown before, and I think it’d be better if he sat with Mom.”

Lainie studies Justin for a moment, sensing his discomfort. “I am more than happy to be Justin’s seat buddy,” She smiles, looking at her son. “Do you need anything before we board?”

“I’m going to go to the bathroom,” Justin announces, taking a bite of his muffin before walking by himself to the bathroom across the walkway.

“I should’ve told you guys he hasn’t flown before,” Clay sighs. “I didn’t really think about it. It never… I thought he would’ve brought it up if he was nervous.”

“We should’ve realized that he's never flown before,” Matt counters, smiling. “Is that why he’s been so quiet this morning?”

Clay nods, pulling Justin’s duffel bag closer to him. “He’s really anxious. I think I talked him off the ledge, but like. I’m sure it’ll be back when we’re actually on the plane.”

Lainie nods, setting her bag down between her legs. “Luckily, I have experience with anxiety. Justin will be fine. You should get some sleep on the plane. Maybe watch a movie.”

Clay nods, smiling at Justin when he returns and sinks back into his seat. He finishes his breakfast, saves the juice for the plane, and when they call for boarding, he follows Clay to stand in line.

He doesn’t actually feel that bad once he’s settled in his seat next to Lainie. There’s an older man in the window seat who smiles politely at Justin, who thankfully doesn’t make any efforts to make conversation further than that.

“Take-off will be the worst part. Once we’re in the air, you won’t even realize we’re flying,” Lainie explains quietly, handing him a stick of gum. “This will help with your ears popping, and you can read your book or listen to music to make it a little easier.”

Justin nods, accepting the gum and digging through his bag for his headphones. “How many hours until we get off?”“Just over four hours,” Lainie smiles. “Try to sleep, love. It’ll go much quicker if you do.”

He leans back, closing his eyes and turning on his music as the plane begins to move. As they move faster Lainie offers her hand, smiling when Justin takes it.

She holds it until they’re safely in the air and the flight attendants begin moving up and down the aisle, showing him how to turn on a movie to pass the time.

—

The second flight goes much better for Justin.

He sits with Clay, the two of them playing a game on Clay’s phone through most of the flight. When they hit a patch of turbulence Clay abandons the game and reaches for Justin’s hand, holding it until things calm down.

“That’s normal, we’re just passing through a storm,” He tells him quietly when things are a little smoother, pulling his phone from his lap and handing it to Justin for him to take a turn.

“It just proves that we are not meant to be flying like this. There’s no need for us to be in this tube,” Justin replies weakly, trying to force himself to breathe normally.

Clay cracks a smile, giving Justin help with the game when he gets stuck, and is relieved when they land in Rhode Island and Justin can finally get off the plane and relax.

—

Brown University is gorgeous.

Justin tries to picture it in the fall, the leaves changing, falling and crunching underneath his brother’s feet. He thinks about him coming to visit as the weather gets cooler, Clay showing him around and introducing him to his new friends that he made while Justin complains and pulls his jacket further around him and Clay tells him he’s used to the weather now.

He tries to think about Clay navigating campus, making his way to classes or back to his dorm, which is modern and has a bathroom and a roommate that seems nice enough, if not a little nerdy.

He thinks he’s mostly in the way during move in, where Lainie makes the bed as if Clay is 5 and Matt puts together the TV they bought for the room at Target after they landed. Clay unpacks his suitcase and puts his clothes away slowly, and Justin stands helplessly in the middle of the room, staring at Clay’s roommate’s half that’s now completely put together.

He thinks about his own college experience, how he’ll be commuting to Sanderson and living in the outhouse alone, and he desperately wishes for time to slow down. For this weekend to go as slow as possible, for their flight to be delayed or even canceled, for these moments to be enough to last him to Thanksgiving.

“Justin, kid, can you put these in the bathroom for me?” Matt asks, breaking his trance. Justin turns around to find him smiling, realizing this was a task Matt gave him just to have him do something instead of standing around.

He nods anyway, taking the things from Matt’s hand and walking back into the bathroom. He takes his time, studying the shelf that Clay’s roommate put up as he stores Clay’s things on it as well, and then reappears in the room just in time to find Lainie finishing with making the bed perfect.

“We can look at the store for some posters for your walls so they’re not so bare,” She smiles, turning back to look at her son. “I think this place is really starting to come together!”

Clay nods, looking around and storing his suitcase in the closet.

“I think we’re all due for some lunch. Want to go find a place?” Matt offers, clapping his hands and standing up, ushering his family out of the dorm room and back down to the rental car.

—

The rest of the weekend passes by in a blur. They spend half the time putting the finishing touches on Clay’s room and talking more to his roommate and his family, and the other half walking around the quaint city of Providence, Rhode Island. Lainie takes far too many photos, Matt jokes that they have enough to replace every frame in their house, and Justin idly thinks about asking for one of he and Clay to put in the outhouse.

Thankfully, Lainie thought ahead and booked the latest possible flight back home. It wasn’t late enough — Justin would’ve been happy taking off at midnight, if they could find a way — but it gave them most of the day to hang out and savor the last few moments before they were separated for a few months.

Justin prolongs the goodbyes for as long as humanly possible. He watches Lainie get teary and hug Clay about a million times, expressing how she’s going to miss him and she’s so proud and she knows he’ll be okay and they can’t wait to see him again.

Even Matt gets emotional, hugging his son and reminding him to call every once in a while, but that he couldn’t wait to hear how much he loved college and being on the east coast.

And then Justin is staring at his brother and his chin is most definitely wobbling, and Clay isn’t sure he knows what to say to make this better.

Matt and Lainie mumble something about how they’re going to go down to the car and get ready to leave, giving the boys a minute alone. Clay waits until he hears the door to his room click shut, and then turns back to Justin, pulling him in for a hug. “This sucks.”

“It does,” Justin agrees, sighing. “But you’re going to have an amazing time. It’s really pretty here, and your roommate seems cool.”

“Probably a better roommate than you.”

Justin laughs against Clay’s shoulder. “You don’t mean that.”

“You’re right, I don’t,” Clay agrees. He pulls back, looking at Justin. “You’ll be okay?”

Justin nods. “I’ll be fine.”

“And you’ll call me if you’re not?”

Laughing, Justin smiles. “Yes, I’ll call you if I’m not,” He promises, mostly so Clay doesn’t freak out. “But Clay, you don’t have to worry about me, okay? I’ll be fine. I want you to have fun here. Live the college experience. Make friends. Go to parties. Fuck, even get a girlfriend.”

Clay rolls his eyes. “I want you to live the college experience, too,” He reminds Justin. “You don’t have to miss out on those experiences just because you’re living at home. You should go to parties. Maybe meet a girl.”

“I don’t think either of those would be good for me right now,” Justin shrugs. “But I’ll say yes to doing things. Get the college experience, like you said.”

It seems to be enough for Clay, who hugs Justin once more. “I’m going to miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too.”

“I love you.”

Justin laughs, squeezing tighter. “I love you, too. I’m proud of you. Of us.”

“Me too,” Clay whispers.

Pulling back, Clay sighs and grabs his things, the two of them walking down to the car. They say their final goodbyes, and finally, Justin forces himself to get in the back seat.

“We’ll see you in a few months,” Lainie promises, waving as they drive away slowly.

Justin sinks into the seat, forcing himself to turn around and not look at his brother. He picks at a hangnail until it bleeds, and when they arrive back to the airport and grab their things from the trunk of the car, he doesn’t look at Matt or Lainie in fear that it’ll make him cry.

He’s quiet all the way until they arrive at the gate, sinking in a seat by the window. His anxiety about flying once more is masked by his sadness and the empty feeling he has with Clay not by his side, and Matt and Lainie thankfully seem to notice that.

Lainie does watch him for a while, chewing on her lip as she thinks of what to say. She’s aware that there’s no words that will make this easier for any of them, but Justin looks lost. Like he’s missing half of himself, and she wishes she could do more.

She pulls out her phone, deciding to break her self-imposed rule of texting Clay too soon.

_Text your brother. Love you._

Clay doesn’t text back, and their boarding group is called before she has a chance to see if he even read it.

It’s not until they’re settled on the plane that Justin’s phone buzzes in his hand, Clay’s texts lighting up the screen.

_91 days until we’re back together._

_Don’t trash the outhouse too much._

_Love you. Miss you already._

He rolls his eyes, typing quickly as they get ready to leave.

_I’m trashing the outhouse while you’re gone. Your bed is going to be filled with my stuff. I’m taking over both sides._

_91 days can’t go fast enough. Miss you. Love you too._

Just before he turns his phone on airplane mode, Clay texts once more.

_I hope you’re joking about the outhouse._

Justin smiles to himself, turning his phone on airplane mode without answering. He figures Clay can sweat it out for a few hours until they get to their layover.

—

By the time they arrive back home, all Justin wants to do is sleep. He eats a sandwich at the insistence of Lainie, showers, and when he announces he’s going to bed, no one argues.

The outhouse is quiet when Justin walks back in, Clay’s side neatly made, just as it always is.

He shuts off the light, climbing under his own bed and staring back at Clay’s side.

_Not the same without you right there._

He sends the photo to Clay, surprised to find Clay respond.

_Feels weird to open my eyes and see someone that’s not you sleeping across from me._

There’s a few minutes, and then Clay texts again.

_We’ll figure it out. Get some sleep._

And so Justin agrees, plugging his phone in and turning over, praying that sleeps comes easy.

With time, they’ll figure this out. The distance won’t seem so hard after a while, life won’t seem so daunting, and figuring out how to help each other won’t feel like an impossible task.

But right now, Justin’s going to let himself be sad. He’s going to let himself wish Clay was still here, that they weren’t going to spend the next three months across the country from each other.

And then he’s going to hope that the two of them get the happiness and fresh starts that they both deserve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in celebration of everyone starting school, i figured i'd post this one next :)
> 
> thank you guys for reading/commenting/leaving kudos! you're all the best and i'm so glad you're enjoying these :)
> 
> see you guys in a few days :)
> 
> <3 <3 <3


	17. Matt.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt steps up to help Justin adjust to Clay being at college.

The first three weeks after Clay leaves for college, Justin is lost.

He doesn’t necessarily say that, masking his emptiness and loneliness behind his normal happy exterior, but Matt and Lainie can tell.

Justin stays in the main house longer, watching TV and helping clean up after dinner. He does his homework at the dining room table, asks Matt for help on the English homework, and even charms him into helping him with his first essay despite Matt’s insistence that it’s a conflict of interest with him working in that department.

But it doesn’t fix the fact that Justin is learning to live life without Clay. He’s learning to be an only child, to have Matt and Lainie’s sole attention on him rather than it being split between the two of them. And Matt and Lainie are aware that most days Clay and Justin talk for over an hour. They fill each other in about life and school and everything in between, and Justin often returns to the sunroom with a smile and a promise from Clay that he’ll call to talk to them soon.

“It’s just adjusting, Lain,” Matt promises, putting the finishing touches on dinner while Justin showers. “They’re both learning to be apart. I see it a lot with my freshman class. It’s the first time they’re adults, and they’ve spoken about missing their families.”

Lainie nods, accepting the reassurance from her husband. “I just wish that there was something we could do for him, you know,” She says. “He’s never been alone with just us for an extended period of time, and maybe that’s something we should’ve prepared for or explored in the past. Before we got to this.”

“Justin will come around. He’ll eventually tell us how he’s feeling without Clay here,” Matt promises. “He’s asking for help in areas Clay would’ve helped with previously. I think that’s a good sign for him. That he’s not shutting down or pushing us away.”

“Dinner smells good, Matt,” Justin says, walking into the kitchen. He pokes his hand into the pot to steal a taste, laughing when Lainie swats it away. 

“Besides the fact that that could burn you, your fingers don’t need to be in the food we’re all about to share,” Lainie sighs. “Set the table, please.”

“Matt’s never swatted my hand away,” Justin laughs, walking to grab plates for the three of them.

Lainie looks between both boys, rolling her eyes. “I don’t want to know how many times you’ve done that. I feel I’m probably better off not knowing.”

“You are,” Matt confirms, winking at Justin as he pours their dinner out into serving bowls.

Clay’s empty chair is a reminder of the adjustment period they’re all going through, but the conversation is lively and Justin talks about his own classes and how he thinks he’s going to do really well, and Lainie hardly has any time to worry about this all turning bad after the adjustment period.

—

Sometimes, late at night long after Lainie has fallen asleep beside him, Matt is restless.

He turns on his bedside light and reads some nights, or disappears to his office to continue grading papers other nights, but tonight he’s in search of a snack and a cup of tea. Something to fuel his brain, to let himself relax and hopefully lull him back to sleep in an effort to be present for work the following morning. 

The house is often quiet in the early hours of the morning, the only sound coming from cars passing by intermittently. But tonight, as he turns the corner in search of the kitchen, Matt hears rustling, the kitchen light on dimly.

Justin is in the pantry, glancing out of the corner of his eye and jumping when he sees Matt coming into view. “I should be in bed, I know. I just… I’m hungry and we had no good snacks left in the outhouse, so I just came in to find something.”

He’s rambling, words tumbling out of his mouth quickly as he stares back at him. Matt smiles, starts to remind him that it’s okay to need food and he’s not upset at him, and then stops himself. “Want some tea?”

Justin’s caught off guard, staring back at him. He quickly composes himself, nodding. “Yeah, sure,” He says. “You’re not like — it’s 2 in the morning. You’re not mad I’m in here?”

Matt laughs, filling the kittle and turning on the burner. “I’m not, no,” He says. “Why do you think I’m down here?”

Justin nods, shoulders relaxing. He pulls out cookies, smiling sheepishly when Matt sees, and then slides into his normal spot at the table. “I just couldn’t sleep. Thought maybe a snack would help.”

“I’ve been feeling the same way lately,” Matt agrees, pulling two mugs from the cabinet. “It’s weird not having Clay here, isn’t it?”

“Very,” Justin agrees. “I keep thinking he’s just staying at Tyler’s or he’s on some trip I wasn’t invited on or something, but then I remember that he’s across the country and I just feel… I don’t know.”

Matt pours out the hot water, back facing his youngest. “It’s okay to say you miss him,” He says softly. “I miss him, too.”

“It feels stupid though,” Justin shrugs. “I mean obviously you and Lainie miss him, you’re his parents. But I was always alone before you guys adopted me, so I don’t know why it feels so different this time.”

Turning back, Matt sets Justin’s mug in front of him. “Being adopted meant that you were given a stable family,” Matt says quietly. “And while you may have been alone before, it’s been quite a while since you’ve truly been alone. You’ve been with us for almost two years, and officially adopted for almost a year,” He reminds him.

Taking a sip of his tea, Justin sighs. “I guess I just didn’t think I would miss him this much.”

Matt reaches for the cookies. “I didn’t think I would either,” He admits. “I knew I was going to miss him, but I thought we would get through it after a few days of adjustment. It just hasn’t quite sunk in yet.”

Justin nods, reaching for a cookie. The silence is comfortable, and despite risking how well this conversation has been going, Matt decides to take a chance. “How have you been doing?”

Justin shrugs. “Okay, I guess,” He decides after a minute. “Classes have been going pretty well. I don’t feel overwhelmed and the work hasn’t been too much.”

“Good,” Matt smiles. “We’re really proud of you. Lainie and I both know that college wasn’t ever really in your plans, but we’re glad you decided to give it a chance.”

“I just didn’t think I would ever make it to college,” Justin admits, grabbing another cookie. “But I’m really, really glad I did.”

“How about you personally?” Matt says gently, prying carefully. “You still working the steps of the program? It’s been a little while since you’ve been to a meeting, right?”

Justin stretches his hands out in front of him, nodding. “I should go back, I know. I just — I’ve been so worried about adjusting to college and being without Clay that I sort of forgot about it.”

“We’re not forcing you to go if you don’t feel like it’s beneficial,” Matt reminds him. “We are here for you whenever you need us, but at the same time, you are in charge of your recovery. We trust you to make decisions for your health and wellbeing without us needing to step in, and you’ve done a great job of that over the last several months. Lainie and I just want to see you succeed, kid. And if you need any help, we are both here.”

“Thank you,” Justin breathes, looking back at him. “I’ll look up what time a meeting is this week. At least go and check in, see if I feel like it helps me a little more.”

Matt nods, taking a sip of his tea. “Would it help if I went with you?” He offers. “You don’t have to say yes, I know that the meetings are largely your thing and you’ve always gone alone, but if you want some support, I’d be more than happy to come with you.”

Justin doesn’t reply immediately, instead letting the offer sink in. Matt lets the silence fall over them, reaches for another cookies, and studies his son for a moment. “You don’t have to make a decision right this second, kid. It’s just an offer. There’s no pressure.”

“I want you to come with me,” Justin blurts out, leaning back against the back of his chair. “I mean, if you’re willing to come, I think it’d be good to have you there. But you don’t have to come or whatever, not if you don’t want.”

“Justin,” Matt smiles, “I will be there. You let me know what night you want to go, and I’ll make sure I’m free.”

Justin nods, reaching for his tea. “Thank you. For everything.”

“Always, kid,” Matt promises, leaning forward. “Think you’re ready to try to sleep again? We both have to get to class in the morning, I don’t want us to be too tired.”

Justin finishes his tea, nodding. “Yeah, okay. I think I can sleep now.”

Matt nods, taking the mug from Justin’s hands while Justin puts the cookies away, turning back. “Thank you, Matt.”

“You’re welcome, Justin,” Matt smiles, leaning forward and pressing a kiss to Justin’s hair. “I’ll see you in the morning. And if Lainie asks about the cookies, don’t feel obligated to tell her. This can be our secret.”

Justin laughs, nodding and slipping past Matt and back out the back door. Matt watches from the window at the sink until Justin is safely back in the outhouse, the lights he left on shut off.

When he arrives back to bed Lainie is still asleep on her half, leaving him to quietly slide into his side and doze off back to sleep without her stirring.

—

The AA meeting Justin normally attends is in the basement of a church with guys who are close in age with Justin.

Matt gave Justin the opportunity to change his mind just before they walked in, looking over at him as he parks in the church parking lot. 

“I really want you there,” Justin stresses, unbuckling his seatbelt. “Going back after a few months away is slightly daunting.” 

Matt nods, hopping out of the car and following Justin through the church and down to the familiar basement. Matt watches as he greets some familiar faces, turning back to him. “This is my dad, Matt,” He says, gesturing to him. “Matt, this is my friend Damon.”

“Nice to meet you,” Matt says, shaking his hand. He doesn’t express how happy he is that Justin introduced him as his dad, but judging by Justin’s amused smirk and slight eye roll, he thinks it’s pretty obvious.

They sit in the back by the refreshments table, Justin wiping his hands on his jeans. “I might not… I probably won’t share tonight. It’s not because you’re here. It’s just that I want to ease into meetings again, and I think listening is what’s good for me.”

Matt nods, looking back at him. “I’m here to support you. Whatever you think is going to benefit you, I’m going to support.”

Justin nods, thanking him quietly and leaning back in his chair.

After listening to a few people share, Justin plucks the courage to stand up and walk to the podium at the front of the room. “My name is Justin, and I’m an addict.”

He smiles at everyone’s replies, and then takes a breath. “It’s been a little while since I’ve come to a meeting,” He admits. “I started college, and so did my brother. The only difference is that he’s across the country and I’m living at home.”

“I was adopted around a year ago, but I’ve lived with my family for almost two years. Those two years were spent with me and my brother basically attached at the hip. We did everything together, had the same group of friends, and hung out all the time. I worried that when he decided to go to Brown, I would take a turn for the worse.”

He takes a breath, tapping his fingers against the wood. “It’s not that my parents are horrible and I would hate being alone with them,” Justin says, earning a few laughs from the crowd. “They’re actually great, the best parents I could have ever asked for. I just… my brother was such a big part of me getting sober. He was the one who helped me get clean, who helped me decide that inpatient rehab was the right option, and without him, who was I? How would I do this without him?”

“It’s been three weeks since we’ve been apart. I’ve missed him more than I’d ever really want him to know. I’ve started college back here at Sanderson, I’ve worked on my coursework and spent time with my parents and tried to focus on my sobriety more than ever. And throughout all of these changes, I haven’t once ever thought that I would feel better or this transition would be easier if I had drugs. In the past, when things got really stressful, I would crave heroin or weed. Something to make the tension go away, the stress to just be gone for a little while. And I kept waiting for that feeling to come, for the sleepless nights to take over and the cravings to consume me. But they haven’t.”

He shifts on his feet, glancing back to Matt. Matt’s smiling, eyes shining as he watches his son. 

“I know that maybe it won’t always be this easy. I’m sure there will be times I’ll feel worse than I have the last few weeks. But honestly, I didn’t think I’d ever get to experience this kind of freedom. Where I’m not tied down to an addiction and it doesn’t consume my whole life. And this kind of gives me hope for the future. I know that I have my parents to help me when my brother isn’t here, and if I really did need him, he’ll always pick up. But if I’ve learned anything from this, it’s that sobriety is freeing and better than I could have ever imagined, and I’m thankful for this program for making it a little easier.”

He ducks his head amidst the applause and walks back to his seat, sliding past Matt to sit back in his seat. Matt smiles, reaching over and squeezing his knee gently. “I’m proud of you, kid,” He whispers, smiling as the next speaker begins.

Justin bites the inside of his lip to stop himself from crying the rest of the meeting. 

—

Since attending the meeting with Justin, Matt sees things in a different light.

Justin’s more open about his bad days. He talks to Matt and Lainie about how he’s feeling, lingers a little more on days things feel just a little worse than others, and asks for what he needs. 

But even on the bad days, Matt sees how hard Justin has to battle. Staying sober isn’t easy for Justin, Matt knows this, but he’s inspired by his son and how hard he tries to do the right thing, to make sure that he’s making good decisions and asking for more help when he feels he needs it.

He’s proud of both of his sons in more ways than he can describe. He knows both boys deal with more things than any teenager should, and he understands that sometimes all he can do is be there for them as a safe place to land when he needs them the most.

For now, as they continue transitioning to Justin being their only child and Clay being across the country, Matt revels in being that rock whenever Justin needs him. No matter what the situation is, he’s grateful that he gets to watch as the proudest father as his sons work to be the best people they can be whether they’re together or apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys for reading/commenting/leaving kudos! i felt like we needed some matt/justin time :)
> 
> more will be up in a few days!!
> 
> see you soooon :) <3 <3 <3


	18. Christmas.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lainie introduces Justin to Christmas their traditions.

Lainie had self-imposed Christmas traditions from when she was younger. They were well known, always marked off on the calendar, and Justin had been warned about what he was going to be subjected to. Since missing the traditions the year before while in treatment, Lainie was determined to make this year’s extra special.

After making the promise that they could wait for Clay to arrive home before getting a tree and decorating the house, Lainie had coerced Justin into beginning the yearly Christmas cookie baking the family had as a tradition since Lainie was a child herself.

“Clay won’t mind if we get started without him, love,” Lainie says gently, pulling ingredients from the cabinets and setting them out on the counter. “He’s participated in many cookie baking days, we’ll continue tomorrow when he can participate, and I think he’ll be thankful some are made when he gets home this evening.”

Justin nods, washing his hands before stepping to stand beside Lainie. “Okay, so which cookies do we start with?”

Lainie smiles. “Snickerdoodles are Clay’s favorite. I was thinking we’d start with those and sugar cookies for today, maybe one other kind if we have time. Then we’ll work on the rest tomorrow.”

“Okay,” Justin nods. He looks at the recipe Lainie laid out from their family cookbook, measuring out the ingredients and lining them up on the counter. “Do you guys do this every year?”

“We do,” Lainie smiles, beginning to mix the ingredients together slowly. “Clay really wanted to wait for you to be home from treatment last year, but I was afraid it was cutting it too close. This tradition gets a little… intense,” She offers. “I’m sorry that this is your first year with us, love.”

“That's okay,” Justin smiles. He pours out the oil and cracks the eggs into a separate bowl. “Have you been doing it since Clay was little?”

“We have,” Lainie nods. “I’ve been doing this with my mother and grandmother since I was a little girl. My sister Addison and I would go to our grandmother’s with our mother, and we’d spend the entire day a few weekends before Christmas baking cookies. We would make hundreds, line them all up on the kitchen counters and the table, and one by one we’d make trays to bring to our family party and give out to neighbors. It was one of my favorite things to do growing up.”

Justin listens eagerly, watching as Lainie pauses and turns on the mixer, staring at the batter slowly coming together.

“As I got older, I used to start to think about carrying on this tradition with my own family. When I had kids of my own one day, I wanted to be in the kitchen with my mother and children, making cookies and bringing them to family parties and handing them out to neighbors. I wanted to take photos and fill albums with the memories for my own children to keep carrying on with them in the future, just like they did for me and Aunt Addie.”

“That’s why you did this with Clay every year,” Justin offers quietly, placing parchment paper on the baking sheet.

“Right,” Lainie nods. “You know, Matt and I had always talked about having three kids. And that made me excited about a lot of things, but especially this season, because I knew that we’d have three chairs pulled up to the counter, and bickering about eating the batter out of the bowl or what shapes to make the cookies next.”

Lainie pauses, showing Justin how to roll the cookies out into even balls. “Matt and I had trouble getting pregnant. I had a few miscarriages before I got pregnant with Clay, and after he was born, my doctors were wary about me getting pregnant again. It was possible, but it would most likely come with complications.”

“Did you try again?”

“We did not,” Lainie says. Moving around her son, she puts the first tray of cookies into the over. “I know most parents say this, but Clay was perfect. He slept through the night almost immediately, was pretty even-tempered, and just an overall easygoing child. I felt like we hit the jackpot, and I didn’t see the need to put my health and a potential baby’s health at risk if we felt like we were done having kids.”

Justin nods. “So you kept this tradition with just Clay when he was little.”

“I did,” Lainie smiles. “Before we moved here for Matt’s job at Sanderson, we lived closer to my mom. We would go to her house a few weekends before Christmas and spend the entire day baking, just like I did when I was a little girl. And then we moved here, and I kept the tradition going for the two of us since we’re a few hours away from my parents.”

“From the time Clay could stand, we had him up on a chair. He’d pour in the ingredients, eat the batter when we were done making the batches, and was always the first person to taste test the cookies when they came out of the oven,” Lainie smiles. “He had the pudgiest cheeks you could ever imagine. I used to get so worried he was hiding cookies in there and he’d choke. He had a sweet tooth — still does, I know. We would spend the entire day laughing and eating cookies and by the end we would both be covered in flour and Clay would have these smudges of chocolate dotting the edges of his mouth.”

Lainie and Justin lay more cookies out onto another baking sheet. “By the time we finished all of the cookies and had them into containers, Clay would be crashing from his sugar high. We always ordered Chinese and sat in front of the TV watching the claymation Christmas movies. Clay would usually fall asleep on mine or Matt’s lap.”

Justin smiles. “That sounds like a dream Christmas weekend,” He says quietly, flipping through the recipe book until he finds the sugar cookie recipe.

Lainie hands him a spatula, smiling as she kisses his cheek. “Did you and your mom do anything each year for Christmas?” She asks, licking the batter off a spoon.

Justin shrugs, pouring out the ingredients for the sugar cookies. “Not really,” He sighs. “Mom was usually strung out, or if she wasn’t, she didn’t always know what time of year it was,” He admits. “And when she did know, we didn’t really have a lot of money. So we settled for cheap gifts and maybe a nicer dinner than normal for Christmas, if we did anything at all.”

Lainie pulls the snickerdoodles out of the oven, setting them out on a cooling rack. “Well, you get to have these traditions with us now, love. You’re stuck with them, even. Every year, we’ll make these cookies together. When Clay gets home this evening, we’ll eat Chinese and watch a claymation movie, just like always.”

Justin smiles, nodding. Lainie watches as he mixes the batter, eyes shining as he partakes in the tradition. “Tomorrow we’ll finish the rest of the cookies, and we’ll watch a more adult Christmas movie. Do you have a favorite?”

“Whatever Clay wants to watch,” Justin responds quickly. “I just… I’m up for anything. I’m just happy to finally have a tradition at all.”

“Okay,” Lainie nods. She helps him roll out the cookies, putting down new parchment paper. “We’ll get a tree and decorate this week. Matt and I are going to take a few days off to spend with the two of you. I know that you want to spend time with just your brother, and I promise you will. But we want some family time, too, okay?”

“Deal,” Justin smiles. “I like this tradition. Has Clay always liked it?”

“Always. He’s usually the one asking me when we can do this,” She smirks, putting the cookies in the oven. “Although I’m sure he’d be less than thrilled I’m telling you this.”

Justin laughs, helping with a portion of the dishes while Lainie finishes putting the rest of the batter onto a baking tray. “You eat this batter, I’ve had enough.”

Justin takes the bowl from her, sitting down at the kitchen table. There’s Christmas music playing quietly from the living room where Matt left the speaker on, and Justin watches as Lainie spreads the cookies out to cool, beginning to put a few in containers.

“Do you think… maybe one weekend we could go to your mom’s and make cookies with her? Like you used to do when Clay was little? And when you were little?”

Lainie turns back from her spot at the counter, smiling. “That would be nice,” She nods. “Maybe we’ll go after Christmas, the day before we’re supposed to go exchange gifts with Aunt Addie and her family. I’m sure both of your grandparents would love to have some quality time with their grandsons.”

Justin smiles, handing her the mixing bowl as he finishes. The warmth spreads through his chest as he stands to pull the last of the cookies out of the oven.

_Their grandsons._

He’d never had grandparents before. Amber’s parents cut her off long before Justin was born, and his father had fled when he found out his mother was pregnant. There were times where Amber would be sober enough to tell him stories about her childhood. How her parents were nice and funny and they would probably love him if they had a chance to meet him.

It just made Justin hate his mom. Hate what she’d done, the people that had walked out of her life and subsequently hurt him because she couldn’t stay sober.

He finishes moving the cookies onto the cooling tray when the front door opens, Matt calling from the entryway. “We’re home!”

“In the kitchen!” Lainie calls back, looking back to her son with a wink. “He’s home, love,” She says, meeting Clay in the entryway of the kitchen, hugging him tightly.

“Oh, my baby is finally here!”

“Mom, it’s been three weeks since I saw you for Thanksgiving when you came to me,” Clay laughs, hugging her back. “You guys started the cookie baking without me?”

Lainie glances back at the counter littered with Tupperware containers and the sink overflowing with dishes, and smiles. “Only snickerdoodles and sugar cookies were made. The rest I thought could be left for tomorrow, where the three of us will bake together,” She explains. “How was your flight?”

“Long,” Clay says. “I sat next to an older woman coming to visit her son for Christmas. She was nice, but it would’ve been nice if we didn’t talk for half the flight.”

“Clay,” Lainie warns, turning back to finish packaging the cookies.

Justin steps forward, hugging his brother. “It’s nice to have you back,” He says against his shoulder.

Clay squeezes. “It’s nice to be back.” Pulling away, he looks back at his brother. “How bad is the outhouse?”

“There’s a good chance you’re going to think it’s messy.”

Clay rolls his eyes, turning back as Matt walks into the kitchen holding dinner.

“We picked up the food on the way home from the airport,” He says, setting it down on the kitchen table. “Mom and I will get it into bowls and on plates, why don’t you two go pick which claymation we’re watching.”

Justin and Clay walk into the living room, Clay digging through the DVD box to find the Christmas movie. “Do you have a preference?”

“No,” Justin shakes his head, falling onto the sofa. “I’ve never — my mom and I didn’t watch things like this. I don’t think I’ve ever seen them. Or if I have, I don’t remember.”

Clay looks back. For a moment it’s as if he’s going to say something, and then he stops himself.

“Okay, well this one is the best one,” Clay decides, holding up the DVD for _Santa Claus is Comin’ To Town_ for his brother to see.

Justin shrugs, nodding. “Okay, that works.”

Clay sets up the DVD, moving to sit on the sofa next to his brother. “You okay?”

“Yeah, fine,” Justin nods. “I’ve just never had traditions before. It’s sort of… it’s really nice. To have you here and to be doing things like this.”

Clay smiles, sitting up when Matt and Lainie walk in with their dinner. “Oh, good choice,” Matt smiles when he sees the movie ready to go on TV, urging Clay to push play.

Justin eats his Chinese and finds himself engrossed in the movie, asking when they can watch the rest of the claymations when it ends.

“Later this week,” Lainie replies, thanking Justin quietly when he follows her to the kitchen to help with dishes. “We can decorate and turn them on that evening. I’m glad you liked them, sweetheart.”

Justin nods, helping put the last of the dishes in the dishwasher before retreating to the outhouse with Clay.

The two of them watch movies and talk about college, and for the first time in four months, Justin thinks he finally feels whole again.

—

By the time Justin arrives in the house the following morning, breakfast has been almost cleaned up and Clay and Lainie have already started measuring out ingredients for the rest of their cookies.

“We were going to wait for you, love, but Clay said you were still sleeping, and we have a lot of cookies to make,” Lainie says, leaning back to press a kiss to his cheek as he walks by. “Dad made you a breakfast sandwich, it’s in the microwave.”

Justin nods, pulling his breakfast from the microwave and sitting down at the table. “Where is Matt?”

“Upstairs reading,” Clay says, pouring the eggs into the mixing bowl. “He stays out of the way during the Christmas cookie baking day.”

“He’ll show up when it’s time to eat a few,” Lainie smiles.

Justin nods, taking a bite of his breakfast. “You could’ve woke me up,” Justin says, watching as Lainie pulls the parchment paper out of the drawer. “It’s already 10, I didn’t need to sleep in.”

“I was up early because of the time change,” Clay says simply, turning the mixer on and glancing back at his brother. “Besides, you looked comfortable. I didn’t think it was worth waking you up.”

Finishing his sandwich, Justin washes his hands and falls in to stand next to his brother, helping roll out the dough and put them onto the baking tray. “We have a whole day full of baking ahead of us, I promise you didn’t miss anything,” Lainie says, pulling the recipe book down from the cabinet.

Justin helps mix the next batter in a different bowl, Lainie turns on Christmas music, and in a few minutes Justin slowly starts to feel himself getting back into the Christmas spirit.

Halfway through the day, the entire kitchen is lined with cookies. Justin sits at the table sorting them into container, stealing a few cookies here and there. “They weren’t perfect,” He argued, shrugging sheepishly as Lainie eyes him. “We can’t give out cookies that aren’t our best.”

“Are you actually going to leave any to give out, or are you just doing that job so that you can keep eating cookies?”

“I’m doing this job because you’re the expert at making cookies, apparently.”

“At least mine all came out even,” Clay counters, looking back at his brother. “Yours were all different sizes.”

“Boys,” Lainie steps in, looking between the two of them. “Can we please not argue about this? Both of your cookies are fine, that’s part of the fun in homemade cookies,” She says, looking between them. “Justin, help your brother with the pizzelles, it takes two people. I’ll finish up this job.”

Justin nods, standing up and walking back to stand beside Clay. Clay tells him what to pour in as they’re mixing the batter, heating up the pizzelle iron while Justin works on gradually adding in the flour.

“Figured I’d take my chances to come check on the three of you,” Matt says as he enters the kitchen quietly, sitting down next to his wife. “They’re enjoying this?”

“I think so,” Lainie nods, looking back at her sons. “I can’t believe we have two boys to share this tradition with.”

Matt smiles. “It’s everything you ever wanted. Our kids baking cookies with you, just like you did when you were little.”

Lainie smiles, idly packing up the cookies. “I loved when this was mine and Clay’s thing to share, but having Justin here, having both of our boys partake in this tradition, is all I could’ve ever asked for. Even having them both here right now is the best Christmas gift I could ever have.”

Matt nods, leaning forward to take a cookie.

“Justin told me yesterday that he never had any Christmas traditions with his mother,” Lainie says quietly, listening to the boys bicker over the pizzelles being done and debating on stepping in. “He said he didn’t really have much of a Christmas at all.”

Matt sighs, leaning closer to his wife. “He’s our son now. We’re going to give him the Christmas he’s always deserved, he’s going to be part of our traditions, and we’re going to make sure he has these memories moving forward,” He says quietly. “My only regret is that we missed out on getting to have them with him last year. We missed getting to pick out the tree and decorate it with him, and making these cookies. It was for a good reason, but we could’ve waited until he was home.”

“I’m glad we didn’t,” Lainie mumbles, looking to her husband. “Not because I was glad he wasn’t there. I just — he needed that help last year. He needed time to focus on getting better. And if we had crammed all of this in in one day, I feel it would’ve overwhelmed him. He may have shut down, or not wanted to do these traditions this year.”

“I wish he could’ve been part of them last year, but waiting until this year was the best decision for him. For both of them.”

Matt looks back to their sons, who are laughing about one of the pizzelles breaking, and smiles. “I think you’re right,” He decides, leaning over and kissing the side of his wife’s head. “We absolutely made the right decision.”

He stands up, walking over to his boys and helping them pour the batter evenly. Lainie watches, smile permanently on her face as she watches her boys join the tradition she’s long loved.

_Her boys._

She couldn’t be happier.

—

By the time they’re done baking for the day, the kitchen is littered with cookies. Lainie has labeled and sorted all of the tins they plan to give out to friends and family, and both boys have been sent to the living room to watch TV while Matt cooks a quick dinner for all of them.

As promised, they watch _Christmas Vacation_ that evening, Lainie sitting on the sofa while Justin lays down beside her. She finds herself playing with his hair, gently twirling the wisps around her finger, nails massaging his scalp.

“Thank you for showing me all of these traditions. And for letting me be in them,” He mumbles halfway through the movie, looking up at her. “This is… I couldn’t ask for anything more.”

“You’re our son, love,” Lainie reminds him, leaning down to press her lips to his hair. “I’m so glad we get to have these traditions with you. And this is only the beginning,” She promises.

Justin smiles, nodding as he looks back to the TV. He’s asleep before the movie finishes, curled on his side as Lainie continues to play with his hair. Clay is half asleep on the floor, eyes fighting to stay open as they near the end. The glow of the lights over the fireplace and the fire burning illuminate the room, bringing the cozy feeling of Christmas Lainie longed for through the holiday season.

Matt shares a glance with Lainie, smiling.

This scenario, this whole weekend, has been everything she’s ever wanted. She doesn’t think her heart could grow any bigger, she doesn’t think she could be any more in love than she already is.

It’s the beginning of sharing traditions, of making new memories. Lainie can’t wait to share them all, to hold these moments close to her as the boys grow older, and more than anything, she’s thankful Justin is there to see it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys for reading/commenting/leaving kudos! you're all the best :)
> 
> i'm so glad you guys are enjoying these :)
> 
> i started posting a s4 fix-it with Justin's HIV diagnosis if you'd like to read and haven't yet :) you can find it [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26072245/chapters/63412153) if you want :)
> 
> more in a few days!


	19. Panic.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Justin and Clay help each other through panic attacks.

For the most part, Justin’s adjustment to being a Jensen had gone incredibly well.

There were up and down moments, mainly to do with Justin finally having structure and parents who cared about him for the first time in his life, but Lainie largely considered the adjustment to be far less strenuous than she had anticipated.

But there are still little moments that they’re getting used to. Adjustments they’ve had to make to make Justin feel more comfortable. His past record of abuse was rearing its head more often than not, forcing the three Jensens to deal with it on the fly, promising Justin that they would help him in whatever way possible.

Giving Justin responsibilities seemed to help. Having chores he could do around the house, making him feel useful was what Justin resonated with. He thrived in doing the dishes and cleaning around the house and helping make meals, even if his half of the outhouse was a mess.

“I like being useful to other people,” He explained one evening when Clay was particularly annoyed at the destruction of his brother’s side. “I’ve never really worried about how my things looked.”

For as annoyed as Clay wanted to be with that answer, he can’t bring himself to be. It explains everything, he thinks, about Justin’s demeanor and upbringing. His entire life pre-adoption was chaos and turmoil, and taking care of someone else was the only thing he knew.

Without being asked, he cleans the dishes and loads the dishwasher after dinner. Most nights the rest of the family stays at the kitchen table, talking and laughing and recapping their day. It’s become one of their favorite traditions, savoring the family time together as senior year is just around the corner and family time will be harder to come by.

Justin’s laughing about something Clay said, turning back to look at him when the cup slips out of his hand. It hits the ground quickly, shattering into small pieces at his feet, and for a moment the room is silent.

Justin inhales sharply, shaking his head and bending down to pick up the pieces. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I should’ve been more careful. I’ll clean it up, I’m sorry,” He says quickly, picking up the pieces with his bare hands.

“Justin, hey. Stop, love. It’s okay, it was an accident,” Lainie says softly, standing up. She rests her hand on his shoulder, pulling it back when he tenses and curls in on himself.

“No, please, I’m sorry. I won’t do it again, I promise. Please don’t hurt me, please.”

Clay stands up from his seat, walking around the kitchen and stepping in front of Justin, making sure he doesn’t step in the shards of glass. “Justin, look at me,” Clay says, bending down in front of his brother. “It’s just Clay, but I need you to look at me.”

Justin sucks in a sharp breath, tilting his head just enough to see Clay. “Okay, good. Everything is fine. It was an accident, you didn’t mean to drop the glass and break it.”

“Don’t hurt me,” Justin whispers. “Please, I’ll clean it. I’m sorry.”

“No one is going to hurt you,” Clay reminds him gently. “But I need you to take a breath and look at me.”

Justin nods, exaggerating his breathing and looking back at Clay once more. “Have to clean it. Make it better.”

“No, you don’t,” Clay replies. “You can’t touch glass with your bare hands, Justin. It cuts you, see?” He says, reaching out for Justin’s palm to turn it over and show him the cuts. “It’s okay, Mom can help clean you up. Will you let her if I stay with you?”

“She’s mad,” Justin wheezes, eyes wide and breathing erratic. “I broke it.”

“No one is mad,” Clay promises. Matt and Lainie watch the interaction from afar, resisting the urge to step in. “I promise you, Mom and Dad aren’t upset. Do you know how many cups and plates I’ve broken? And I’m fine, right?”

Justin leans back against the cabinet, hand going back into the shards of glass. “‘m not their kid,” He whispers.

Clay frowns, trying not to cringe at his brother’s hand inevitably getting cut up. “You _are_ their kid, Justin. You are,” He stresses. “I’m going to help you move away from the glass and sit back down at the table. Dad will clean up the mess, Mom will clean off your hands and make sure the cuts are okay, and I’ll sit with you the whole time. I’ll even hold your other hand, if you want.”

“Gonna hurt me.”

“No one is going to hurt you, I’ll make sure,” Clay promises. “Come on, walk with me. It’s just a few steps.”

Matt and Lainie step out of the way, watching carefully as Clay and Justin walk back over to the table, Justin sitting down in the chair. They wait until Clay gives the okay, and then quietly Lainie moves to grab the first aid kit and Matt moves to clean up the shattered glass.

“Mom’s going to look at your hands. Clean up the blood a little bit and make sure there’s no big cuts. Are you okay with that?”

Justin nods, eyes searching before landing on Lainie. “Yes,” He says, taking a deep breath.

Lainie smiles, bringing the chair around to sit in front of him. “I’m going to pick the little pieces of glass out of your skin first, okay?”

Justin nods, looking at her. “Okay,” He whispers.

Lainie carefully holds Justin’s fingers in her hand, picking out the pieces of glass with tweezers. Justin flinches, holding his other hand out for Clay to take as best he can without getting blood on him. “You’re doing really well, love. Everything’s fine. Matt’s done cleaning it up, see?”

Justin glances over, nodding as he watches Matt throw the rest of the glass away. He switches hands, letting Lainie pick the glass out of that one, and then stares as she bandages the particularly deep cuts that need more attention.

“All done, Justin,” She smiles, packing up the supplies. She carefully leans forward, taking his hands. “Accidents happen. Matt and I know you didn’t mean to break the glass. We’re not mad at you, honey, I promise you. Everyone breaks things sometimes, even us.”

Justin nods, looking at her. “I’m sorry for breaking it. And for freaking out.”

“You don’t have to apologize,” She promises, leaning forward to cup his cheek in her hand. “Do you feel better now? Want some water?”

“Yes, please,” He nods, watching as Matt pours him some water, handing it to him. “I feel better.”

“Want to go finish our homework in the dining room?” Clay offers, following Justin after he agrees, disappearing down the hall with this brother.

Matt and Lainie clean the rest of the dishes, sharing a knowing glance with each other. “We'll take the panic attacks as they come. it’ll get better,” Matt offers.

It’s enough to hold her over.

______________________________________________________________________

Clay didn’t keep his anxiety a secret.

It was hard to, most times, especially after the Bryce’s death and the ensuing investigation. He wasn’t embarrassed by it, didn’t feel ashamed in struggling or needing more help, but there were days that he wish he didn’t have to go through what he went through.

Justin convinces him to go to a party. It doesn’t take much, more just a pity party from his brother about how he wants to feel like a normal teenager but doesn’t trust himself to be around the drinking and the drugs that people will most likely bring.

It’s not a huge party, and the boys find solace in a quiet corner with their friend group. They drink casually — Justin insists he’s fine to have a drink or two — laugh about things that have happened or other partygoers doing stupid things while being much drunker than they are, and everything feels okay.

Justin is pulled away by a few people from the football team, and Charlie follows. They end up playing beer pong, laughing and joking with the team as Charlie watches, holding his hands up and insisting that he was the designated driver.

Justin’s just about to win when Charlie taps him on the shoulder, shoving his phone into his face. “Alex just texted me this.”

Justin holds his hand out, steadying the phone.

_Get Justin and come back here. Clay needs him._

Justin abandons the game, ignoring the protests of his teammates as he snakes his way through the party and back to the corner he once sat in with his friends, pushing Alex away maybe a little too roughly, listening to Charlie apologize on his behalf.

“He’s been like this for a few minutes,” Ani offers, leaning over Justin’s shoulder as he crouches down in front of his brother. “We were just talking, and then it was like a light switched off or something. He just kept saying your name.”

Justin nods, reaching forward. “Get me water,” He says to Ani, and then looks back at his brother. “Clay, can you look at me?”  
Clay’s on the verge of hyperventilating, quick breaths as he finally looks up at Justin. “You are fine. We’re safe here, nothing is going to happen, okay? But I need you to calm down,” He says softly. “I need you to slow your breathing down, try to match mine. Can I take your hand?”

Clay nods, turning his palm over to let Justin take. Justin moves slowly, bringing Clay’s hand up to his chest. “Feel my heart? Can you match the beating? Just like you do when you’re with Mom, okay? Breathe with me, Clay.”

Ani returns with the water, unscrewing the cap and pushing it into Justin’s free hand. Justin gives it a moment, watching his brother slowly start to calm down, and then leans back. “That’s it, keep breathing with me. Want a sip of water?”  
Nodding again, Clay uses his free hand to shakily reach out for the water. Justin doesn’t let go, Clay’s hand grasped over his as he takes a sip.

Thankfully, their friends have dispersed, leaving Justin to focus on Clay. “You’re doing so much better. Keep matching my breathing, okay? Everything’s fine. No one can hurt you here, I promise.”

“Bryce,” Clay replies weakly.

“Did you see him?” Justin asks. He sighs when Clay nods, moving forward closer to his brother. “Clay, I promise you that Bryce is dead,” He says quietly. “He can’t hurt you here, okay? You seeing him wasn’t real. He’s not here, he’s not going to get you. Everything is okay.”

“You promise?” Clay asks, voice breaking as he looks back him. “You promise that nothing is going to happen?”

Justin squeezes his hand, nodding. “I promise you,” He whispers, pushing the water bottle back up to his lips. “Your breathing is much better. Feel okay?”

“Not really,” He shrugs. “Not panicking anymore.”

“No, but you’re still anxious,” Justin observes. “Do you feel okay to get up and go home? I’ll get Charlie to drive us, he hasn’t been drinking.”

“Alex and Charlie won’t want to leave.”

“Charlie definitely doesn’t want to stay, and I’m willing to bet Alex doesn’t either,” Justin promises. “Do you want to leave?”

Clay hesitates, pushing his hand closer to Justin’s chest again to calm down, and then nods.

“Okay,” Justin nods, pulling his phone from his back pocket, texting Charlie with one hand.

Clay leans heavily against Justin on the walk back to the car, Justin helping him slide into the back seat as Charlie turns the car on. “Charlie’s just going to drive us home, and then we’ll go to bed. Okay?”

Clay nods, leaning his head against Justin’s shoulder. Charlie glances in the rearview mirror, eyes full of concern. “Are his anxiety attacks all this intense? I just… I guess I just haven’t really seen him have one like this before.”

Justin sighs. “Not all the time, no. He just… sometimes they’re a little bit harder than others,” He says quietly.

Justin thanks Charlie and Alex before ushering Clay out of the car, the two walking through the backyard and back into the outhouse.

“You don’t have to change if you don’t want to,” Justin says quietly.

Clay doesn’t answer, but does go into the bathroom and comes out changed into his pajamas. “‘m fine now,” He mumbles, pulling the blankets up over him. “You can go back to the party.”

Justin frowns, changing into his pajamas. “I’m not going back to the party, Clay,” He says quietly. “But I’m going to tell Mom and Dad that we’re home. So they don’t worry about us. Will you be okay alone for a few minutes?”

“Yeah,” Clay nods.

Justin eyes him for a moment, finally taking a chance and walking back into the house. Matt and Lainie are in the living room reading, and look up to smile at Justin when he walks in. “Hi, love. We thought we heard you guys pull in, but it’s pretty early.”

“Yeah,” He nods, sinking into the chair next to Matt. “Um, Clay uh, he had a panic attack at the party. That’s why we’re home so early.”

Lainie leans forward, marking her place in her book and looking back to her son. “Is he okay? Do you know what triggered it? He’d been doing well.”

“He’s fine now, he’s in bed and probably asleep. He was halfway asleep at least when I came in to tell you guys we’re here,” He explained, chewing on his lip. “I wasn’t with him when he started having the anxiety attack, Alex was.”

“Did Alex know what caused it?” Lainie asks. Her voice is filled with concern.

Justin shakes his head. “No, but when I asked Clay what was wrong while I was getting him to calm down, he just said Bryce.”

Matt and Lainie share a glance. “Like he thought he saw him there? Or he was hallucinating him?” Matt asks. Justin doesn’t reply, and carefully Matt turns towards him. “Justin, buddy, you have to be honest with us. We can’t help if we don’t know.”

“No, I know,” Justin nods. He takes a breath. “I think… I think he saw Bryce. Like he hallucinated him or something. I don’t know, it was weird. I told him that he was dead, that nothing could happen now, and he made me promise. Like he thought I was lying or covering for Bryce or something.”

“Is this the first time he’s hallucinated that you know of?”

“I don’t know if that’s what it was,” Justin stresses. “I just… I’m worried about him. I mean, if he’s hallucinating Bryce he’s probably hallucinating other people, right? Like Hannah maybe?”

“We can’t know that for sure, love,” Lainie says softly. “But thank you for telling us. About tonight, and about what he said to you.”

Justin nods. “Can we… is there anything we can do? I don’t want him to be like this. And I know he doesn’t want to live like this.”

“We can talk to Dr. Ellman about our concerns. Let him know that he had a panic attack at a party, and he told you he thought he saw Bryce,” Lainie promises. “Justin, thank you for telling us this. And for helping him through the panic attack. I know it’s not always easy for you to be honest with us because you want to protect Clay.”

“He would do the same for me. Keep things private to protect me.”

“Not that that’s necessarily any better,” Lainie smiles. “Are you doing okay? I know it’s hard watching Clay go through the attacks.”

Justin sighs, leaning back. “Just freaked me out. I’m okay now that he’s doing a little better. I just wish there was more I could do.”

“You just being there helped him, we promise,” Matt says. “Why don’t you go get some sleep? You look exhausted, and we know you want to get back to Clay.”

Standing up, Justin nods and quietly says goodnight to both of them, retreating back out to the outhouse. Clay stirs as Justin gets changed and goes to the bathroom, but doesn’t fully wake up.

Justin stares at the ceiling for a while, comforted by his brother’s even breathing and seemingly peaceful sleep. The evening drained him, worried him for his brother, and right now, he just hopes that things get better for both of them.

They can only go up from here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys so much for reading/commenting/leaving kudos! 
> 
> a few people had asked for more mental health one-shots, so here's another :)
> 
> see you in a few days! :) <3 <3 <3


	20. Jessica.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Justin invites Jess over for dinner with the Jensens.

Lainie learns to love their evening routines, despite all of the chaos.

She does her best to leave work at a decent hour every night, arrives home to finish helping her husband make dinner, and most of their evening is spent with the lively chatter of both boys doing their homework in the dining room, she and Matt sipping on wine and going over their own work they couldn’t manage to finish throughout the day.

It’s stability the four of them need, Lainie thinks. The past year had been full of turmoil and upheaval, and slowly but surely, all of them feel like they’re falling back into a routine. She sees the effect it has on both of their boys. Their grades are good, Justin is doing better at getting his GPA up, and it gives them the family time she thinks she had previously been missing out on when it was only Clay.

“It’s been a while since Jess has been over,” Lainie says one evening as the boys finish their homework, looking back to the dining room table where the boys had been working quietly. “Now that you two are dating again, why don’t you invite her over for dinner? You could pick the meal.”

Justin looks back at her, shrugging. “I could ask her if she wanted to come. I’m sure she would,” He says, smiling. “We could have whatever. You know I’ll eat anything.”

“Will Jess?” Lainie asks, amused, marking something off in the brief sat in her lap. “I’m pleased you’re not a fussy eater, but Jess is our guest. So, talk to her, ask her what she would like for dinner, please.”

Justin nods, smiling as he turns back to working on his math homework. There’s a lull in the conversation, and then Clay nudges Justin’s elbow.

“Dude, what the hell! You almost made me mess up the problem I was working on,” Justin cries, looking back to his brother.

“You know they’re only telling you to invite Jess over so they can ask you guys a million questions about being together.”

“That’s not true,” Justin argues, looking back to Matt and Lainie. “Is that true? Do you want her to come over so that you can ask us a bunch of questions?”

Matt furrows his eyebrows, shaking his head. “No, Justin, we are not asking her to come for dinner so we can ask her a bunch of questions or see how you’re treating her,” He says. “Clay, we’d appreciate you not putting words in our mouths regarding why we asked Justin to bring Jessica over.”

“We thought it would be nice to have her over for a dinner instead of you two hiding out in the outhouse,” Lainie smiles. “We trust you, Justin. We know you wouldn’t do anything to hurt her, but we’d also like to get to know our sons’ significant others. This isn’t us trying to pry into your life where we don’t feel the need to.”

Justin takes a breath, nodding. “Okay, then yeah, I’ll see if she wants to come for dinner,” He says, looking back to Clay.

Clay shrugs, and just as he looks like he’s going to say something, Lainie looks back at him and he stops himself.

“Finish your homework, both of you,” Lainie sighs, and the conversation that was once lively has dissipated.

—

“Matt and Lainie want to know if you wanted to come for dinner on Friday,” Justin finally asks one afternoon at lunch, looking back to his girlfriend. “I mean, obviously I want you to be there, too. I just — they thought it would be nice if we had you over since you and I are dating again or whatever.”

Jess smiles. “Are you actually nervous about asking me to come have dinner with your parents?” She asks, looking back at him. “You do realize I know the Jensens, right? This isn’t the first time I’ll be meeting them.”

“It’d be the first time you’re coming over as my girlfriend, though,” Justin counters, shrugging. “I don’t know, it’s not like my mom cared who the fuck I was dating or sleeping with. I’m not used to anyone caring.”

Jess studies him for a moment, sighing. “It’s good that they care, Justin. That they’re interested in who you’re dating. So, I will come to dinner on Friday, we’ll have a good time, and I’ll even convince Clay to let us have the outhouse to ourselves after for a little while,” She teases, leaning over to kiss along his jaw. “Deal?”

Justin takes a breath, tilting his head. “Fine,” He whispers, looking back at her when she pulls away.

“I don’t know why you’re so nervous about it,” She says after a moment. “Mr. and Mrs. Jensen are like, the nicest people in the world. So they want to have me over for dinner since I’m your girlfriend, who cares? They already know me, they definitely know you, and it’ll be fine. It’s just dinner.”

Justin shrugs. “I don’t know, Clay got in my head. He said they just want to ask a bunch of questions or whatever.”

“And?” Jess asks, laughing. “Who cares? Justin, I’m not a stranger to them. I can answer any question they ask, and I don’t think they’ll pry into our lives or anything. They respect you and your boundaries, they’re not going to be horrible. You need to just relax.”

Nodding, Justin turns to look at her. “I’ll do what I can.”

—

“I think Justin’s freaked out about you asking Jess to come for dinner,” Clay says one evening when Justin is at Jess’, looking back at his parents.

“I don’t think your comment about us inviting her over just so we could ask both of them questions about their relationships was conducive to Justin feeling comfortable about us inviting her over,” Matt counters, looking at his son with pointed eyes. “Looking back, do you think that was the right decision?”

Clay shrugs. “No, it wasn’t,” He concedes. “But you are going to talk about them, aren’t you?”

“Yes, but you didn’t phrase it quite the way we would have,” Lainie smiles. “Justin has probably never had a parent figure care about his relationships. You saying that we were going to ask he and Jessica a million questions doesn’t make him feel any better.”

Clay nods. “I don’t want him to get freaked out,” He says quietly. “I know — he wouldn’t run, not now. But I… I don’t want to give him a reason to feel like he has to. His mom didn’t even care if he was alive half the time, and she definitely didn’t care about Jess. He’s just not used to this.”

Matt and Lainie nod, sharing a glance. “Are you worried that if we care about Justin, he’ll run away? Has he been known to do that?” Lainie asks.

Clay sighs. “I don’t — the only time I know of him running away was when he ran away and was homeless,” He shrugs. “He threatened it when I was hiding him in my room, but he never actually went through with it, at least not for long. And things are better now, especially since he’s adopted.”

Lainie takes a moment, looking up from her plate. “We will make sure we don’t ask them too many questions,” She promises. “Clay, it’s okay to be protective about Justin, in fact, we’re glad that you’re so close with him that you feel the need to protect him. But we don’t want you to be so protective that it freaks Justin out or makes him think that we’re going to pry into his personal life.”

Clay nods, sighing.

“The last thing the two of us want is for Justin to shut down or backtrack on the work the three of us have done to ensure that he can trust us,” Matt says. “All we’re asking is for a compromise. You help us by not telling Justin things that are going to freak him out, and we’ll make sure we only ask questions that we’ve asked any girl you’ve brought over.”

“Okay, sure,” Clay agrees, changing the subject as he finishes his dinner.

—

To busy his mind and stop himself from spiraling about the fact that his girlfriend was going to be here in 45 minutes for what he sees as an incredibly formal dinner, Justin helps Matt with dinner.

After asking Jess what she’d want for dinner, it’s decided that Matt will make lemon and herb chicken.

It’s the first dinner he ever made when Justin formally began staying with the family, a night that Justin remembers as continuously complimenting Matt on how good the food was while also trying to eat at a normal pace so they didn’t think he was being too eager.

He had three helpings that evening. He thought about the dinner constantly, got excited when Matt had made it a few other times for more formal family dinners, and was finding the process of helping Matt make it to be effective in calming his nerves and stop the overthinking that had been going on in his brain since he got home from school that morning.

“You okay, kid?” Matt asks when Justin brings the cutting board full of herbs to him, setting it down on the counter. “You seem distracted.”

Justin shrugs. “I don’t know, just trying not to think about tonight.”

Matt glances back at his son, reaching for the herbs. “Maybe this will mean nothing because it’s coming from me, but you have no reason to be nervous,” Matt says, smiling. “We’re not going to ask you invasive questions or pry into yours and Jess’ relationship, no matter what Clay has said in the past.”

Justin nods, turning to cut the vegetables. “I know.”

“Would it make you feel better if you were able to opt out of any question? Even if it’s something simple, something non-invasive. If you were able to say you don’t want to answer that, do you think it’d be better?”

Justin contemplates it for a moment. “Yes,” He decides. “But I don’t want to be rude.”

“Clearly stating your boundaries isn’t being rude,” Matt reminds him gently. “It’s asking for us to respect what you’re not comfortable with. It’s healthy to have boundaries, it’s healthy to vocalize when you need something to stop before it affects you negatively. You understand that?”

“I understand,” Justin nods. “Thank you.”

“We are always going to advocate for boundaries. Clay has them, Lainie and I have them, and you will have them, too. You will never be in trouble for asking us to stop a conversation because it’s gone too far and you don’t feel in the right headspace to continue.”

Justin nods in understanding, moving the vegetables closer to the stove.

“Ready to continue with dinner?” Matt asks, laughing when Justin smiles and agrees immediately.

—

For all the worrying Justin did, dinner goes perfectly. 

As promised, Matt and Lainie don’t pry into his and Jess’ relationship, or how it’s going now. They ask Jess about school and about home, talking about her little brothers who are growing up quickly. They talk about how Justin and Jess had dated before, but it’s going a lot better this time.

Jess talks about how thankful she was to have someone like Justin to help her get through those difficult times, and Justin smiles sheepishly, ducking his head at the compliments.

Jess offers to help Lainie with the dishes, Matt, Justin and Clay resetting the table for dessert while the girls are gone. 

Jess dries the dishes, smiling at Lainie as they work in comfortable silence. “Justin’s really lucky to have you guys,” Jess says after a minute, reaching for the cup from Lainie’s hand. “He’s a totally different person since coming to be with you guys permanently.”

“I trust he’s been different in all good ways,” Lainie replies, smiling.

“Of course,” Jess replies immediately. “I didn’t mean in the sense that you guys made him this new person. I think — I think the person Justin is now is the person he always was, or was trying to be. He just had a lot to deal with at home, and I think it took a lot of his personality away from him. He worried about his mom so much. Now it’s almost like he’s free. He can be the person he wants to be.”

Lainie ignores the tears welling behind her eyes, taking a breath. “Thank you for saying that, Jessica,” She says, looking back at her. “All we’ve wanted for Justin is to feel like he has a space where he can be himself. He doesn’t have to worry about taking care of others, he can just be a kid.”

“It’s not always easy, you know,” Lainie says after a moment of silence. “Sometimes I wonder if we made it too drastic of a change for him too quickly. We didn’t want him to feel like he needed to take care of anyone, or take care of himself completely alone. It was a hard adjustment.”

Jess nods, reaching for another glass to dry. “I think it was a shock for him in the beginning,” She admits. “For as long as I’ve known Justin, he never had anyone take care of him. It’s always been him taking care of his mom, or him taking care of himself. He almost seems relieved. It’s like a weight has been lifted now that you’re his parents and you take care of him. I think he finally feels like he can just be a normal kid like we all are.”

Lainie nods, shutting off the sink and turning back to the fridge. “You make him happy as well, sweetheart. Clay does an awful lot of harmless teasing about you two, but Justin talks about how great you are. You’ve been so good for him, and Matt and I are grateful that the has someone like you in his life.”

Jess thanks Lainie quietly for the towel to dry her hands, smiling. “He makes me really happy, too. We’ve been through a lot together. I’m just glad he’s here to see things get better.”

Lainie pulls dessert out of the fridge, turning back to Jessica. “Me too, love. Me too.”

—

As they sit back around the dining room table eating dessert, Lainie watches her youngest son.

He laughs at the jokes Clay says between the three of them, relaxing back into his chair. She watches him lean over and take Jess’ hand in his, squeezing gently. She watches the way he looks so happy to be surrounded by his girlfriend and his family, and her heart squeezes.

In the early days when she thought about what the future would look like as a family of four, she would dream about moments like these. Moments she could share with the people who meant the most to Justin. Being able to look across the table and see him healthy and happy, looking more settled than he ever had before.

This feels like a huge step in things feeling more cohesive as a family unit. Being able to see Justin so happy and settled with Jess has eased Matt and Lainie’s minds. Finally being able to see how happy Justin is has solidified that adopting Justin was without a doubt the best decision they had ever made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys for reading/commenting/leaving kudos! you're all the best and i don't deserve you.
> 
> not too many more of these left!
> 
> see you in a few days :) <3 <3 <3


	21. Sick.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lainie takes care of her boys

Lainie is always the first person awake in the house.

She likes to take her time in the morning, starting off with going on a run through their neighborhood. Usually as she walks in the front door the house is bustling, Matt up making breakfast and at least one of the boys inside setting the table or getting drinks for everyone, but today it’s just Clay in the kitchen, chewing on his lip as he makes coffee for the family.

“Is your dad not up yet?” Lainie asks, grabbing her water bottle from the fridge. “Thank you for making that, sweetheart.”

Clay looks back, shaking his head. “I didn’t even hear Dad moving around, and Justin’s not moving from bed, either. I gave up on him, so you’re probably going to have to go tell him to get out of bed before we’re late.”

Lainie frowns, setting her water bottle down on the counter. “Let me go check on your father first, he has to leave before you and Justin. Cereal okay for this morning? I don’t think we’ll have time to cook.”

“That’s fine,” Clay mumbles, turning back to finish making the coffee as Lainie made her way upstairs. 

Matt was still in bed, comforter pulled high over his shoulders. “Matt? It’s almost 7. Clay is up, but I need to go convince Justin to get out of bed,” Lainie says, walking around the bed.

Matt is white as a sheet, a thin sheen of sweat pressed along his hairline. “Matt,” Lainie sighs, reaching out to press her hand against his forehead.

“I already called out,” He mumbles, voice low and rough. “I’m going to hide out in here for the day, keep my germs to a minimum so hopefully I don’t get you or the boys sick.”

Lainie nods, brushing Matt’s hair back from his face. “I’m going to get some medicine for you from the bathroom, do you want me to go downstairs and get you anything to eat?”

“I’m okay right now,” He mumbles, coughing. “When I get hungry I’ll get up and get something.”

Lainie nods, grabbing medicine from the cabinet and returning to her husband’s side of the bed to hand him two pills. “I’ll leave the medicine here for you in case you need it again in a few hours. There’s crackers and soup in the pantry, and I’ll make something light for dinner if you feel up to eating. Call me if you need anything.”

Matt nods, swallowing the pills and squeezing his wife’s hand before she leaves the room. “Just make sure the boys stay away.”

“I will,” Lainie promises, quietly shutting the door behind her.

Returning back to the kitchen, Lainie is pleasantly surprised to find Justin sitting at the table, head resting in his hands. “You got up!” She smiles, pouring herself some coffee. “Justin, get your head off the table, please. Did you eat breakfast?”

“‘m not hungry.”

Lainie frowns, leaning back against the counter. “You have to eat something. What about a granola bar?”

Justin shrugs, opening it when Lainie sets it down in front of him. “Your father is sick, so if you need to go upstairs for anything, please keep it down. And don’t bother him, we don’t need both of you getting sick as well.”

Both boys nod, Justin picks at his breakfast, and after glancing at the clock, Clay nudges his shoulder. “We can’t be late.”

“Have a good day. Love you,” Lainie smiles, kissing them both on the cheek as they leave.

She watches them cross through the backyard and out to Clay’s car before making her way back upstairs, getting herself ready for the day.

—

The call came when she was sitting in the middle of a meeting for a potential new client.

She ignores the first one, making a note to text the boys to see which one it was and what they needed. And then the same number calls again, and quietly she excuses herself from the conference room to answer.

It’s the nurse, who’s calling to let Lainie know that Justin isn’t feeling well and she thinks he would be better off being sent home for the afternoon to rest.

Her boss is understanding, letting her know she can spend the afternoon working from home. She thanks him, slips out of the office and drives as fast as she can to school, sighing as she walks in the nurses office and finds Justin curled up on a bed in the back corner.

“He says he doesn’t feel nauseous, but he’s running a fever and sounds pretty congested. He’s been resting since I called,” She explains, allowing Lainie to go back and gently wake her son up.

“Lainie?” Justin says, opening his eyes. “You got here fast.”

“I should’ve been here sooner. I was in a meeting and couldn’t answer the first time the nurse called me,” She smiles. “Not feeling well, huh love?”

“Not really,” He sighs. “‘m sorry for making you leave work.”

“You don’t apologize for that. Let’s get you home,” Lainie whispers, grabbing Justin’s backpack as he sits up. She rests her hand on his forehead, sighing. “You probably caught what Matt has.”

Justin nods, rubbing his eyes and taking his bag from Lainie as she signs him out, the two of them walking back to then car.

“Is this why you were so quiet this morning? And why you didn’t want to eat breakfast?”

Justin buckles his seatbelt. “Yeah. I just… I thought maybe I was just tired. I had trouble falling asleep last night,” He shrugs, coughing into his sleeve. “Charlie told me I looked pale and made me go to the nurse.”

Lainie smiles sympathetically. “I’m glad he was looking out for you. I’m sorry I didn’t notice this morning.”

“There was nothing to notice,” He shrugs, leaning his head against the window. “I really thought I was just tired.”

She ushers Justin to the sofa, taking his temperature and covering him with a blanket. “I can only assume this will make it’s way through the house, and I feel better knowing that you’re right there if you need me while I work in the dining room,” She explains when Justin mumbles something about infecting the living room. “I’m going to go let Matt know we’re home, see if he’d like to come join you. I’ll grab the medicine while I’m up there. Do you want to watch a movie?”

Justin nods, reaching for the remote as Lainie disappears upstairs. 

Matt’s awake, looking through papers. “I thought I heard you downstairs. What are you doing home?”

“Justin’s running a fever, I got called to come get him and bring him home,” She sighs. “You look much better compared to this morning.”

“The medicine kicked in,” He explains, setting his things on the bed beside him. “How’s Justin?”

“Pretty miserable,” She sighs. “I told him that I’d come see if you wanted to join him. I feel it’s only a matter of time before Clay and I get this, so might as well have him nearby in case he needs me while I finish work.”

“I’ll come join him in a minute,” Matt decides. “Clay’s still fine?”

Lainie shrugs, grabbing the medicine from Matt’s bedside table. “As far as I know. I’m going to text him and let him know not to wait for Justin after school, I’ll ask how he’s feeling.”

Lainie makes her way back downstairs, sending a quick text to Clay as she gives Justin the medicine. “Matt will be down in a few minutes. Just try to sleep, love. You’ll feel better with some rest.”

Justin nods, turning back to watch the movie. He’s almost asleep when Matt joins him, smiling as he settles in one of the chairs. “Not feeling great either, kiddo?”

Justin looks over, shaking his head. “I’m so congested. I feel like my head weighs a thousand pounds.”

Matt nods sympathetically. “The medicine will help with that. I feel better this afternoon than I did this morning,” He offers. “Try to sleep, buddy. That will help, too.”

Justin’s asleep not long after, Matt following suit, and when Lainie checks on them during a break from working in the dining room, she’s relieved to see both of them at least getting some rest.

—

Clay comes home, dropping his backpack in the dining room and sliding into a chair next to Lainie. “So it’s inevitable I get this, right?” He asks. “If Justin has it, and Dad has it, then I’m going to get it? I share a room with Justin.”

“And I share a bed with your father,” Lainie reminds him, looking up from her laptop. “We don’t know for sure if we’re going to get it, honey. But I’d prefer if you don’t spend too much time in the living room with them. Hopefully we can maybe prevent you from getting it.”

“I’m just going to sleep next to Justin tonight anyway.”

“I’m going to ask that he stays in your old room tonight. I think it’s best you two are separated until his fever breaks and he’s feeling better. Or until you get it. Whichever comes first,” She teases.

Clay nods, standing up and grabbing himself a snack. “Am I safe to stay in here with you and work on homework?”

Lainie smiles. “We can hope. I’ve been working in here since I picked Justin up.”

Clay nods, pulling out his notebooks and working on homework. The house is quiet, the only noise coming from the TV on while Matt and Justin slept, and eventually Lainie works on making homemade soup for dinner in hopes that she can get two of her boys to eat.

They both eat dinner in the living room, Lainie and Clay eating in the kitchen. “Justin’s sleeping in here tonight, so you don’t have to wait for him to wake up or shower or anything.”

Clay nods. “Do you think we’re going to get it?”

Lainie sighs. “I feel it’s only a matter of time, truthfully. We’ve both been around them,” She admits. “Do you feel okay right now?”

“I feel fine,” Clay nods. “Just, you know, trying to prepare myself.”

“Justin is feeling pretty lousy.”

“Yeah, well he can be a little dramatic.”

“Clay,” Lainie warns, but she’s hiding a smile. “Your dad said he was feeling better this afternoon. He also didn’t have as high of a fever. Maybe Justin will feel the same when he wakes up. Hopefully it’s just a quick bug.”

Clay nods, quietly helping with dinner before going to take a shower. By the time he’s out Lainie has managed to get both Justin and Matt upstairs to bed, kissing Clay on the cheek when she sees him in the hallway. 

“Come back in if you need me,” She says softly, watching as he disappears down the stairs and back out to the outhouse alone.

—

Lainie’s in the kitchen making tea for Justin and Matt when Clay walks through the back door the following morning in his pajamas, face pale.

“Oh, love. They got you sick,” Lainie sighs, reaching over to feel his forehead. “Justin’s in the living room, and Dad is going to come join him in a minute. Why don’t you go lay down in there with him?”

Clay nods, brushing past her as Lainie pulls another mug from the cabinet for Clay.

Matt is walking down the stairs with his laptop as Lainie walks into the living room, frowning at Clay curled up in one of the chairs. “Oh no,” He says quietly. “I’m sorry, kiddo. We got you sick, too?”

Clay nods, pulling the blanket off his face just enough to take a sip of tea. “I hate you both.”

“You don’t hate us,” Justin mumbles. “You’re just annoyed because you have to miss school and spend the entire day stuck in the house with all of us.”

Lainie smiles, handing Justin his tea. “Both of you need to rest. I’m sure it’s just a quick bug.”

“I feel much better today, more human than I did yesterday. I’m sure it’ll be a quick bug for the two of you too,” Matt says, trying to be hopeful about things.

Justin takes a sip, looking back to Matt. “I feel just as bad as yesterday. My throat hurts worse. My chest is super congested,” Justin rattles off, coughing before turning back to Clay. “Maybe you’ll be as sick as me.”

Clay pulls the blanket back up, rolling his eyes. “I hope mine is as quick as Dad’s.”

“Don’t we all,” Lainie mumbles, kissing Clays head and moving back into the dining room. 

—

Lainie spends the day outlining briefs and prepping for court the following week, the other half of the day tending to all three boys. Matt spends most of his day working on grading papers and outlining the next set of lectures he plans to teach, feeling almost back to his normal self.

Both boys sleep in front of him, the TV on quietly. As Lainie comes back to check on the boys and hand Matt more medication, he looks up at her and smiles.

“When you thought about having two sons, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that you didn’t dream of having all three of us sick at the same time,” He says quietly, looking back to the boys as they sleep quietly.

Lainie smiles, sitting down on the edge of the chair and looking back to the boys. “I didn’t dream of this, no,” She admits. “But I have to admit, it’s kind of nice to have the three of you slow down and be in one place for more than a few hours at a time.”

“Mm, so you’re saying more family time in our future,” Matt smiles. “I don’t mind the proposition.”

“Good,” Lainie smiles. “The boys also just look so innocent when they’re sick. So young, no trouble. Look at their little faces.”

“Lain,” Matt sighs, looking back at their sons. “Let's just be happy them being sick means we don’t have to worry about them sneaking around,” He says, Lainie smiling and kissing her husband’s head.

She savors the two extra days of all three of her boys under the weather, taking care of them and watching more movies than she thought was humanly possible. And while they’re back to their normal routine of the boys hiding too much and she and Matt praying that if something was really wrong they’d come to them, she does insist on more family nights, thankful that all three of her boys oblige her request.

She’s just happy that one good thing came out of a miserable situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so apparently a lot of you are big sickfic fans - as am i :) obviouschild had written in a comment (i feel like it was a long time ago, so i'm sorry!) about writing strictly a sickfic, and so here we are!
> 
> not too many more of these little one-shots, but i am working on other fics and hoping to be ready to post soon enough!! i can't wait for you guys to read them :)
> 
> see you in a few days! :) <3 <3 <3


	22. Matt and Lainie.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the three times Matt and Lainie help Justin, and the one time he helps them.

**_Homecoming._ **

Matt and Lainie walked the line of being overbearing and giving Justin free reign his first night home from treatment.

They gave him space as his friends threw him a party in the outhouse, dropping off the pizzas and saying a quick hello before slipping back out.

They watched a movie in the sunroom eating pizza of their own, watching out the window as the party slowly died down and people began filtering out. Clay came inside, dropping off extra snacks and putting things in containers, hovering in the doorway.

“Everyone has left, and Jess and Justin are in the outhouse together. I’m going to go hang out with Ani. We’ll probably just go to Monet’s.”

“Okay, sweetheart,” Lainie nods, looking up to her son. “Don’t stay out too late, okay? It’s Justin’s first night home, and I’m sure he won’t want to be alone.”

Clay nods, grabbing his keys off the hook. “He’s good for right now. I’m sure Jess will stay for a while.”

He turns on his heels, walking back through the kitchen and out the back door. Matt watches as Clay and Ani leave the driveway, everything slowly settling down back how it was before.

Lainie pulled the blanket from the back of the sofa over her, basking in the glow of the Christmas tree as they watched a movie, head falling onto her husband’s shoulder.

They’re surprised to find Justin make his way into the house a little while later, changed into sweatpants and sweatshirt, arms crossed over his chest. “Can I watch a movie with you guys?” He asks quietly. “I just don’t want to be alone, and Clay isn’t home yet.”

“Of course, kid, you don’t have to ask,” Matt nods, moving his feet to make room for Justin to sit on the floor, back pressed against the sofa. “Did you enjoy yourself tonight?”

“I did,” Justin nods, running his hand over his face. “Thank you for throwing the party. For planning it and everything.”

“You’re welcome,” Lainie smiles, running her fingers through his hair. “We thought tonight deserved a celebration.”

“Did Jess go home?” Matt asks. “Clay told us that the two of you were hanging out after everyone left.”

Justin clears his throat, shifting. “Uh, yeah, she went home.”

“Everything okay?” Lainie asks, voice concerned. “She had a nice time tonight too, right? I figured you two would be happy to see each other again.”

Justin recovers, shrugging. “I don’t — can we not talk about it right now?”

Matt and Lainie share a look, and Lainie turns back to their son. “Of course, love. Let’s just watch the movie.”

Justin’s almost asleep by the time the movie finishes, Matt shutting the TV off as Lainie gently coaxes Justin more awake, leaning down and pressing a kiss to the top of his head.

“We’re going to bed, love. You should go get some sleep, too. Clay should be home in a little while.”

Justin rubs at his eyes, yawning. He looks up at Matt, who came over to say goodnight. “Thank you for today. Love you.”

“I love you, too,” Matt smiles, disappearing upstairs as Lainie folds the blanket and watches Justin make no attempts to move and go back to the outhouse.

“Love, come on,” Lainie nudges once more, watching her son. “I know you’re exhausted, but you’ll feel better in your own bed.”

“Yeah, I don’t actually think I’ll be able to sleep,” Justin mumbles, forcing himself to stand up.

Lainie pauses, looking back. “Want to talk about what has you feeling like this?” She offers, watching as Justin sits back down on the sofa. She follows suit, sitting on the opposite side. “Did something happen with Jessica?”

Justin hesitates, pulling his hair between his fingers. “We broke up,” He finally says, staring at his sweatpants. “I just… I need to make my sobriety the priority. And I know that if I stay in a relationship with her, it’s not going to be good for either of us. Our relationship wasn’t good for me.”

Lainie sighs, reaching out to touch his leg. “How did she take it?”

Justin shakes his head, sucking in a breath. “I don’t think she really understood,” He mumbles. “She kept saying that we could work through it together, that she’d support me and help me through it, but it doesn’t work like that.”

“It doesn’t, you’re right,” Lainie sighs. “I know this hurts, love. I wish there was something that I could say to make it better.”

“I really do love her,” Justin whispers, wiping his eyes with the heels of his hands. “But I also know that I made the right decision. I know this was the right thing to do for me right now to focus on getting better, but —“

“But it doesn’t make it hurt any less,” Lainie finishes, brushing her thumb against his cheek when he looks up at her. “It hurts now, and I know you may think it’s the end of the world, but just give Jess a little space. I have a feeling she’ll come around.”

Justin shrugs. “Maybe not. I’m pretty sure I ruined her Christmas.”

“You did the right thing,” Lainie reminds him. “Your sobriety needs to come first, and while I know it was difficult for you to accept what you needed to change, I’m proud of you for doing so. It may feel horrible now, but it’ll be okay.”

“I know,” Justin nods, leaning forward to rest his head on her shoulder. “I just wish it felt right right now.”

“I wish it did, too,” Lainie agrees, kissing the top of his head.

She savors the moment for a minute, leaning up when she hears a car door in the driveway. “Sounds like Clay is home. Want to stay down here with me, or do you want to go spend time with your brother?”

Justin leans up, shoving his hands into the pocket of his sweatshirt. “I’ll go be with Clay. We should probably catch up.”

“Okay,” Lainie nods, smiling as she pulls him in for a hug. “It’ll be okay. This will get easier,” She promises. “I’m so happy you’re back home with us and doing better,” She whispers, kissing his cheek. “Go get some sleep.”

She carries hers and Matt’s cups to the kitchen, watching out the back window as Justin makes his way through the yard and back to the outhouse. Another light flips on, and she can only imagine that the two of them are catching up on every little detail they may have missed being apart for a month.

Giving herself a minute to compose herself, Lainie lets the reality sink in. This isn’t going to be a perfect transition, given what happened tonight, but the pride that fills her when she thinks about Justin advocating for what he needs is a strong indicator the they’ll get through this, even when it feels too hard to keep going.

______________________________________________________________________________

**_Death._ **

The conversation has replayed on a loop in Lainie’s mind.

_“My mom passed away. They found her by the docks. They think she overdosed.”_

She can still see Justin’s expression as he told them. The way he just sat at the kitchen table defeated, hood pulled up over his head, hands folded together. He mumbled the words they already knew, informed that afternoon by Deputy Standall. And while she and Matt put up a united front in letting Justin come to them, Lainie just felt her heart break hearing it come out of his mouth, wishing they figured out a way to step in sooner.

When she thinks about it long enough, she can hear his shouts of frustration when she offered to have a memorial for her. A small celebration, a place where they could scatter her ashes. She feels the way her hand reached for Matt’s, squeezing as if their lives depended on it. They had been waiting a moment like this for so long, praying that Justin would freak out or yell back at them after something he didn’t agree with. They prayed for him to act like a normal teenager who got annoyed with their parents.

Lainie always thought it would feel satisfying. She thought maybe if Justin treated them the way Clay did at times, things would finally feel settled. Normal.

Instead, she only felt worse.

The yelling wasn’t because he missed curfew or didn’t like that they weren’t letting him do something. The yelling was because his mother died and they suggested doing something in her honor. The yells were frustration and anger and sadness, and for once, Lainie wished she could just pull Justin into his arms, much like she did with Clay when he was a child, and hold him as he cried.

She and Matt were quiet that evening. Matt didn’t leave her alone, instead working on revising papers in the living room. The brief she thought about working on was left untouched on the dining room table. She idly looked up support groups, group therapy sessions, suggestions on how to navigate through this difficult time, but came up empty handed.

Nothing felt right. Nothing felt like enough, or like it would take the trauma away. And her heart broke at the thought. Justin had been through so much, when would he finally get a break?

She falls asleep that night with the heaviest heart she’s had in years, praying for better days and more concrete guidance in the morning.

—

Clay’s awake and in the kitchen by the time she arrives downstairs the following morning, he and Matt engaged in quiet conversation. A silver lining in what has been a trying week, but one that makes her feel a little bit more like they’re getting off on the right foot.

“Good morning, sweetheart. Feeling up to going to school?”

“Yeah, sure,” Clay replies dismissively. “Justin’s asleep on his bed with the sheets and his clothes on the floor. He’s only in his boxers.”

Matt and Lainie share a glance. “We’ll go talk to him,” She offers. “You get yourself ready for the day. Maybe shower?”

Clay nods, opening his mouth to ask a question. He stops, looks between both his parents, and disappears upstairs.

“They’re both going to be fine,” Matt says, taking a sip of his coffee before setting it back down on the counter. He doesn’t sound like he believes his own words, but takes his wife’s hand as they walk back to the outhouse.

True to Clay’s word, Justin is curled up in a ball in his boxers on his bare mattress, a pile of sheets and his clothes laying on the floor at the foot of his bed. Lainie picks the comforter up, carefully resting it over her son before sitting down on the edge of the bed, Matt sitting beside her.

“Justin, love,” Lainie whispers, rubbing his shoulder gently. “Honey, wake up.”

Justin stretches, turning over and sighing when he sees Lainie and Matt sitting on his bed. “‘m gonna be late for school, aren’t I?”

Lainie smiles softly. “Not yet, honey. But I think we should talk about what’s going on with you.”

Justin turns back, curling up into a ball. “I’m fine, really,” He insists, a repeat of what he said the night before. “I’ll get up in a minute.”

“Kiddo, wait,” Matt steps in. Justin doesn’t turn to look at them, but he also doesn’t push to get out of bed. “We know that you’re upset about your mom. You have every right to be upset about what happened. She was your mother and you loved her,” He continues. “But we don’t want you to shut us out. We don’t want you to feel like you have to bottle this up or get through this grief on your own.”

Justin pulls further into himself, taking a breath. “I wanted to get high last night.”

The words hang in the balance for a moment. Matt and Lainie share a glance, and Justin continues talking.

“My whole life my mom struggled with getting clean or staying clean,” He says quietly. His voice is shaking, quiet as he continues. “She would get clean, get a stable job, and things would be really good for the two of us. We’d be happy. And then she’d meet a guy, and he’d pull her right back into that lifestyle. I’d come home from school and she’d be strung out and forget that she needed to feed me.”

“Justin, —“

“I’m so fucking angry that she died. That she did it to herself, that she fucking overdosed. I’m angry that she didn’t care enough to keep fighting, that she didn’t accept the help so many people offered her.” Justin’s voice is even and quiet through the outhouse. “I’m fucking angry that she didn’t give a shit about me. That she forced me to grow up faster than I should have. That she made me take care of myself, to worry about how I was going to survive. That she let her boyfriends abuse me.”

“You have every right to be pissed off,” Matt whispers.

Justin nods, rubbing at his eyes as he turns over. His eyes are glassy, bloodshot with tears brimming at his eyes. “Then why does this hurt so much? Why am I so sad that she’s dead?”

Lainie frowns, tears welling up in her eyes. “Because she was your mother,” She says quietly. “And for everything she put you through, for so long, she was all you had. You’re sad she passed away because she was the one stable thing you always had in your life, whether that influence was good or bad.”

Justin sits up, falling into Lainie’s arms. “I don’t want to miss her. I don’t want to do anything for her, or have a memorial. I just… I don’t know what I want.”

“That’s okay,” Lainie promises, rubbing his back as he cries on her shoulder. Matt reaches out, running his fingers through Justin’s hair. “It’s okay to not know what you want, but Matt and I don’t want you to shut us out.”

Justin nods, making no attempts to move. Lainie lets it be for a moment, and then speaks up.

“Can you tell us why you took everything off your bed?”

Justin sucks in a sharp breath. “I… I don’t deserve any of this. Anything you guys have given me,” He whispers. “I was the same as her. I was a drug addict, I was poor, I was homeless. And if she… if she died because of what we lived through, if she died alone, why should I get to have things like sheets or a bed or clothes? Why should I get to have a family? Why should I get to have the help to get sober any more than she does?”

Lainie feels her heart shatter into a million pieces. She struggles to think of the words to say, unable to comprehend how they make this better.

Thankfully, Matt can. “You cannot compare your struggles to your mother’s,” Matt says quietly, fingers massaging Justin’s scalp. “You can’t punish yourself for things that were out of your control. It was not your job to get your mother clean, or to look after her. It was not your job to provide basic necessities to her or yourself, or keep the two of you alive. And you cannot blame yourself for anything that happened to your mother, who was a grown woman that knew the consequences.”

“I abandoned her.”

“You got yourself out of a horrible situation by doing what you needed to do to survive,” Matt clarifies. “That’s not abandoning her, Justin. That’s putting yourself first. No one can fault you for that.”

Justin nods, pulling away and rubbing at his eyes. “I have to get ready for school.”

“Why don’t you stay home today? I have a light day, I could work from here and stay home with you. The school will understand,” Lainie tries.

Justin shakes his head. “Lainie, please. I just… I’ll be okay to be in school.”

Lainie hesitates. “At least let me take you in late. I’ll tell Clay you had a headache so he can leave without you, and I’ll take you in after first period.”

Justin’s head snaps up. “Clay, he —“

“Has no idea what happened,” Matt promises. “We didn’t tell him, and we won’t until you’re ready.”

Justin nods, reaching for his water.

Matt leans forward, pressing his lips to his son’s forehead. “You deserve everything you have received since coming to stay with us. You deserve to be clean, to turn your life around. You deserve to make memories with your friends, to go to college, to receive all the love and support from Lainie and I that you need. And you don’t need to feel like we’re doing too much or that your past choices make you exempt from love or being able to turn your life around.”

Justin pulls his bottom lip between his teeth, nodding. “Thank you.”

Matt nods, taking a step back as Lainie leans forward to kiss Justin’s forehead as well. “We will get through this, okay? Just like everything else, we will figure this out.”

Justin nods, and after promising that he’s okay, Matt and Lainie leave the outhouse feeling only marginally better than they had when they walked in.

_________________________________________________________________________________

**_College._ **

Justin has spent the first three weeks of senior year watching Clay stress over college applications and essays, making no attempt to fill out his own.

It was beginning to weigh down on him, the thought of picking schools and applying to them. He never saw himself as someone who went to college, and now, when he thinks maybe he _is_ the person that goes, he doesn’t think he has the grades to get in anywhere.

“Colleges want to see that you’re improving on your grades. So while yes, your GPA may not be what they’re looking for, your grades are getting better,” Matt says one evening over dinner when Clay makes a quiet remark that a few colleges for him are reach schools because of their GPA requirements. “It doesn’t mean they won’t accept you if your GPA is lower.”

Justin pushes his pasta around his plate, head down as he stares.

“Justin, love, what about you? Have you started any essays or applications?”

Justin looks up, Lainie’s warm smile looking back at him. He forces a smile, and then shakes his head. “My grades are pretty bad, and I don’t know where I even want to go or what I want to do after high school. I never thought I’d go to college, so I haven’t put much thought into this part of senior year,” He admits.

Lainie doesn’t falter, nodding as she takes another bite of dinner. “Do you want to go to college?” She asks, but it doesn’t sound like she’d pressure him into going if he says no.

“I think so,” He decides, because the more he thinks about it, the more he thinks he really _does_ want to go. “I just don’t know where to apply or what major to choose, and don’t you need to know all of that before you, you know, apply?”

“Not necessarily,” Matt smiles. “I mean, yes, you’ll need to know what schools you’d like to apply to, but you don’t need to know a major. You can go in as undecided and pick later.”

Justin takes a breath, reaching for his water as he nods. “Okay, so I need to think of his schools. Which should be easy, but something tells me it won’t be because my grades aren’t great and that’s not going to help me at all.”

Sensing the anxiety building in her son, Lainie steps in. “Let’s think of one school now,” She says. “There are blanket essays that apply to most undergraduate applications. Let’s sit down, pick one of them and write that out. Then you’ll have at least one essay to send in to a few schools.”

Justin nods, forcing himself to take a bite of his dinner. “Okay, I can do one essay.”

“We can work on it when you’re ready,” Matt offers. “Make it perfect, and then we can help with choosing a few schools.”

“Okay,” Justin agrees, finishing the rest of his dinner, welcoming the shift back to Clay’s applications in the meantime.

—

The list of essay topics feels a mile long and never-ending. Justin reads through them, tries to get one to stick in his mind, and then stops.

He shuts the laptop just as Matt walks into the dining room, sitting down beside him.

“You can’t give up yet, kid,” He teases, tapping the laptop lid. “Come on, did you at least choose a topic?”

“They’re all too broad. I couldn’t make an essay out of any of the topics,” Justin argues, opening the laptop back up and turning it towards Matt.

“You’re telling me none of these speak to you?” He asks, reading through them. “College essays don’t have to be long, buddy. But they do have to be clear and concise and answer the question. And, you know, be written.”

Justin rolls his eyes, biting back a smile. “The only one I think I could make an essay out of is this one,” He decides, pointing towards the screen.

“Talk about a positive influence in your life,” Matt reads out loud. He smiles, looking back to Justin. “That’s a good one, Justin. What did you want to write about?”

Justin takes a breath, looking around the house, and then back to Matt. “Clay.”

Matt smiles, leaning back in his chair. “That sounds perfect. I think you’ll be able to write an excellent essay centered around your brother.”

“Don’t tell him though,” Justin says quickly. “I mean, I’m sure I’ll tell him eventually. I just… I don’t want him to know that I’m doing this.”

“I won’t tell him,” Matt nods, smiling. “But when you do tell him, I think he’ll be really happy about it.”

“Let’s just get it written first,” Justin sighs, stretching out his fingers before beginning to type, Matt interjecting his thoughts as they go along.

—

Most times, getting Justin to just get through a draft of his essay felt like pulling teeth. Matt felt like Justin was five years old, and getting him to sit down and focus on finishing the final paragraphs felt like he was asking him to do 8 hours of homework.

But they manage. Justin does eventually finish, shoving the laptop in Matt’s general direction the second he’s finished the final sentence. “I don’t want to look at this anymore,” He says, letting his head fall to rest on his arms at the table. “And it’s stupid that they ask for an essay. Isn’t the 45 minute application and other questions they ask enough?”

He can hear Matt laugh beside him, his fingers tapping on the keyboard. “While I’m not going to agree that an essay isn’t important, I do think the application process could be shortened, if only slightly,” He says, laughing when Justin groans. “This is not a bad essay at all. I think you’re being really hard on yourself, kiddo.”

“My essay has to be what gets me into school. I’m not smart enough to get in with my grades or GPA.”

Matt stops typing, turning to look at his son. “You _are_ smart enough. Your grades this year reflect that. We’re working on getting that GPA up, and that’s what matters. Colleges will see that.”

Justin sighs. “They’re also going to see that I was adopted, and that’s why my grades got better.”

“Is that a bad thing?” Matt asks. “Both being adopted, or your grades improving because you’re in a stable environment.”

Pulling his head from his hands, Justin looks back to Matt. “I don’t think it’s a bad thing,” He says quickly. “You know how much I appreciate everything you guys have done for me. You… you saved my life.” Justin takes a breath. “They’re going to know that I didn’t get my grades better on my own. It took help… a _lot_ of help. And I can’t thank you guys enough for all of that, but are colleges going to see how much better my grades are and realize that it probably won’t be like that for me when I’m on my own?”

“Kids aren’t meant to teach themselves,” Matt says. “Do you know how many of my students got into college because they’re benefitting from their parents or teachers helping them? It’s a lot more common than you think, and there’s no shame in needing help to make sure you’re grades are as good as they can be.”

Justin’s silent, allowing Matt to revise the rest of his essay. When he moves the laptop back in front of Justin, Justin reads through it. “I never thought about how I’d do college because I never thought I’d make it to here,” Justin says quietly. “And now that I am going to go to college, how am I going to keep up my good grades myself?”

Matt watches Justin read through the essay and make little edits of his own, resisting the urge to reach out and rub his back. “There’s tutors for every subject imaginable. Professors have office hours where students can come and ask questions. Many classes offer study sessions. You are going to be far from alone in keeping your grades up,” He promises. “Do you know where you want to go to school?”

“Not far from here,” He says. “I… I think I need to be close to home.”

“I think that’s smart, especially for your first year,” Matt smiles. “Which means if you’ll be close to home, you’ll also have mine and Lainie’s support.”

Justin nods, reading through his essay one more time. “You really think I can do this whole college thing?”

Matt smiles, reaching over and squeezing Justin’s shoulder. “I know you can. You’re going to be great at it, kiddo. And we’re all going to support you.”

Justin nods, saving his essay and shutting the laptop.

He could do this.

__________________________________________________________________________________

**_Car trouble._ **

Justin had grown used to not making plans and learning to be by himself for a night without it meaning anything.

Clay always offered for him to come hang out with he and Ani, but Justin never wanted to be a third wheel or intrude on whatever it was Clay and Ani did, so he declined.

He was learning to be alone.

He was learning to enjoy being by himself, nothing needed from him. He was learning to watch a movie and be okay with the fact that you don’t have to do something all the time.

Matt and Lainie had gone out to date night, leaving him money for dinner and a promise to not be home too late. They were still wary of leaving him, Justin thought that was obvious, but he promised them he would be okay. It felt like he was being left home alone for the first time, but after abusing their trust and hiding his relapses from them more than once, he thinks it’s warranted.

This was good for him. He knew it, his sponsor agreed, and so he’s willing to give it a try.

After eating dinner, he had finally decided on a movie when his phone rang, Lainie’s photo lighting up the screen. She usually texts when she’s just checking in, and immediately he feels on edge, reaching forward to answer.

“Hi, love. I know we normally wouldn’t call, but we’re at the restaurant and our car won’t start. Would you be able to come get us?” She explains.

Justin pauses the movie, running his face over his hands. “Yeah, sure. Should I just take your car? Clay isn’t home yet.”

“That’s fine,” Lainie says. He feels like he can see her smiling. “Be careful, please. I’ll text you where we are, okay?”

“Okay,” Justin nods. He hangs up, turns off the TV, and walks back inside to grab Lainie’s keys from the hook.

The restaurant is over a half hour away, proving to Justin that Matt and Lainie do trust him. While they never explicitly said it, he knew they were going to restaurants just in town or a little further outside because they were worried they were going to need to rush home to him. The first few months after treatment had been like that, and he was left with guilt in the pit of his stomach.

They went and adopted him when he was at his lowest, knowing that he struggled with addiction and abandonment and his past mistakes. They took care of him in ways he had never been taken care of. They sent him to treatment when they realized that he couldn’t get better on his own.

But they loved him through all of that. How could he be so deserving?

The restaurant is still pretty crowded when he arrives, driving back towards the back where Lainie told him they were parked. He spots them standing outside, pulling into a spot and stepping out.

“Sorry if we ruined your night alone, kiddo,” Matt says, smiling. “I talked to the manager, they're going to let us leave the car here overnight and come back in the morning to get it sorted out. It’s too dark to do anything about it now.”

Justin nods. “It’s okay, I was just going to watch a movie, anyway. I figured Clay would probably come home soon.”

“We were hoping we would’ve been out a little longer,” Lainie smiles, ushering Justin back to the car. “But at least we had dinner and you got a little bit of time to yourself.”

Justin nods, leaning his head against the window of the back seat. It’s quiet for a bit, Lainie turning around to look at him.

“You okay, love?” She asks, smiling. “You’ve been awfully quiet.”

Turning to look at Lainie, Justin smiles. “I’m fine,” He says quietly, pressing his back against the seat. “Thank you for adopting me. Even after you knew everything I was hiding, you… you still adopted me. I can’t thank you enough.”

In the dim light from the streetlights they pass under, Justin can see the smile on Lainie’s face, the tears welling in her eyes. “You don’t have to thank us, sweetheart,” She smiles. “Adopting you was undoubtedly one of the best decisions we have ever made.”

“You completed our family, kiddo. We wouldn’t be the same without you,” Matt says, looking through the rearview mirror.

Justin sinks back against the seat, smiling.

He’s given them so many reasons to reverse the adoption, or not go through with it at all. He’s given them excuses to not love him as much as they say they do. But every time he needs them, they’re right there. Comforting him, helping him, finding him the resources he needs to get better and stay clean.

If they could do all that for him, despite his shortcomings and less than perfect demeanor, the very least he could do is help them whenever they need it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys for reading/commenting/leaving kudos :)
> 
> i'm working on other fics that i plan to post soon, so hopefully you guys will enjoy those!
> 
> just a few more of these :)
> 
> see you in a few days! <3


	23. Grandparents

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Justin meets Matt's parents for the first time

Clay remembers his summers with his grandparents.

He often spent weeks with them, his parents desperate for him to have some time away from civilization and out in the country, where he had little cell service and a chance to unplug from the school year.

In the aftermath of Hannah’s death and adopting Justin, Clay hadn’t been to visit. Lainie had been apprehensive to send both of her boys to spend a few weeks with Matt’s parents by themselves, especially with Justin not having met them yet, and Matt thought it’d be good for Clay to be home for a summer to work on his mental health.

With both boys starting college in the fall and quality family time quickly dwindling, Matt and Lainie plan out time to go to Matt’s parents for a week to visit and see Matt’s brother and sister, giving their kids a chance to be away from their town for a little while. Clay seems to be looking forward to it, but Justin just quietly agrees that it’ll be fun, slowly sinking further down in his chair.

“Are you worried about meeting Matt’s family?” Lainie asks, waiting until she and Justin are alone in the kitchen after dinner. 

Justin sucks in a breath, but doesn’t answer.

“I was worried the first time I met them, too,” She admits quietly, washing the dishes and handing them to him to dry. “Matt is very close with his parents and siblings, and it can be intimidating to meet the people who mean so much to him.”

Lainie’s words don’t make Justin feel any better. 

“They’re going to love you, sweetheart,” Lainie says softly. “Matt has told them all about you, and they’re so excited. They just wish they could’ve come here, but didn’t want to intrude while you got adjusted and we got settled into normal life.”

Justin nods. “I know it’s going to be awkward,” He admits. “I’m not good with meeting new people, and I’ve never had grandparents before, or aunts and uncles. But Clay talks about how great they are, and if they’re anything like your parents and sister, I know I’ll be fine. I’m just nervous.” 

“I get being nervous. It’s okay to feel that way. Do you feel ready to meet them?”

Justin takes a breath, setting a glass back down on the counter. “I don’t know,” He admits. “But I think putting it off will make things worse. I’ll just keep getting more anxious, and they’re my family now, right?” He asks, staring at the counter. “I shouldn’t be nervous about meeting family.”

Lainie’s calm, reaching for the last serving dish. “I think it’s perfectly normal to be nervous about meeting family, especially given your circumstances. And I wish we could’ve done this sooner, but we didn’t believe that you were in the right place.”

“I probably wasn’t.”

Lainie smiles, handing him the dish to dry. She washes her hands, looking at him. “If you don’t feel ready now, we can delay the trip.”

“I don’t want to do that,” Justin stresses, but Lainie can’t tell if he’s saying that because he knows how excited Clay is for the trip, or if he really does feel ready. “But I’m worried that if it gets overwhelming while we’re there, they won’t understand why I need a break.”

“They’ll understand,” Lainie assures him. “If you need a break, a minute to breathe, or a minute to just be alone, you have every right to have that. And you don’t need to explain anything to anyone, not even your grandparents.”

Justin nods, tossing the towel onto the counter and beginning to put the dishes away.

“And if you need someone, Clay or Matt or me, then you just ask. None of us will be upset by you needing us. We understand this is a lot and you’re meeting family members, and that’s a huge deal. We’re not expecting this to go perfectly, and we’re not expecting you to just go with the flow and meet your extended family seamlessly,” She assures him. 

"You don’t need to worry about being perfect, you just need to be Justin. They’re going to love you for everything that you are.”

She watches Justin’s shoulders relax, nodding. “Thank you,” He whispers, voice shaking.

Lainie smiles, kissing the side of his head. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Justin nods, wiping his eyes with the heels of his hands before putting the rest of the dishes away.

—

Justin’s anxiety is at an all-time high for most of the car ride.

He alternates between shaking his legs and folding his fingers together, only slightly calming down when Clay puts a movie on his iPad and shoves a headphone into his brother’s ear. “Chill, watch this with me.”

Justin nods, folding his hands in his lap and focusing on the iPad resting between the two of them. He’s just barely able to follow the storyline, anxiety still flowing through him. Lainie looks back, observing for a moment, and then turns back.

“We’re almost there, boys,” She says quietly, which Justin knows is her way of preparing him so he’s not caught off guard when they arrive, but somehow it only makes him feel worse.

Matt’s parents live in a farmhouse where the neighbors are barely able to be seen. There’s a few cars in the driveway, a basketball net hanging above the garage, and as Justin steps out of the car and looks around, he thinks it looks exactly how he’d imagine an old farmhouse to look.

Clay and Matt go ahead of Lainie and Justin, who stand out by the car where Justin almost seems frozen in place. 

“Do you need a minute?”

Justin shakes his head. “I’m fine. Let’s go meet them.”

Lainie rests her hand on his arm, pulling away when he tenses. “Take a breath and then we’ll go,” She whispers, watching him take a breath before following him into the house.

She walks in first, hugging her in-laws before looking at her husband, who steps forward. “Mom, Dad, this is Justin,” He smiles. “Justin, this is my mom, Eleanor, and my dad, James.”

Justin smiles, standing beside Clay as he sticks his hand out to shake them. “Nice to meet you.”

Eleanor steps forward, smiling. “Are you okay with hugs?”

Justin nods, stepping forward to hug her. She’s tall, gentle as she hugs Justin quickly and pulls away. “We’re so happy to finally meet you. We’ve heard so many good things from Matt.”

Justin smiles, shaking James’ hand. “It’s nice to finally meet you both. I’m sorry we haven’t done it sooner.”

“We knew you needed time. We’re happy we get to do it now,” James smiles. “Clay can show you to the room you and him will share. I hope that’s okay.”

“More than okay,” Justin nods. “We’re used to sharing.”

Clay rolls his eyes. “I was hoping for a little break. He’s a little messy.”

“You needed some adversity in sharing, Clay,” Eleanor smiles. “But with Aunt Noelle and Uncle Kevin coming along with their families tomorrow, we needed the extra rooms,” She explains, watching as both boys turn and disappear upstairs.

“You got the first part over with,” Clay says.

“Your dad looks like his dad,” Justin says, sitting down on one of the beds. “It’s weird, I guess. I just never thought about it because I’ve never had grandparents. My mom could look like her mom, like Lainie looks like hers. But I wouldn’t know.”

Clay listens to him, tossing his duffel bag beside him. “You look like your mom,” He shrugs, trying to keep the conversation casual.. “You have her eyes.”

Justin looks back to him, nodding. “They’re really nice. Your — our grandparents.”

“I told you you’d like them,” He reminds him. “They’re going to love you. You’ve already charmed Grandma.”

Justin ducks his head, smiling. 

“Come on, let’s go walk around their property. I’ll show you where I used to play all the time.”

Justin nods, following Clay back out of their bedroom and back downstairs, slipping out the front door before anyone notices.

—

After 20 minutes walking around the extensive property Matt’s parents lived on, Justin can understand why Clay loved coming here so much. It was peaceful, quiet, and there were endless amounts of possibilities for where they could play and hang out or make up games if they were younger. 

Clay walked Justin through their garden, the hill they could sled on if they come for Christmas this year, and pointed out all of his favorite places to hide out when he was younger and had free time.

“I used to have a fort built here. Grandpa got me a bunch of leftover wood from the shed project he had been working on, and he helped me build this really cool fort to hide out in,” Clay explains when they reach just to the edge of the woods, the main house feeling miles away.

“What happened to it?” Justin asks, kicking a rock through the weeds, looking at the tree stump before sitting down.

Clay sits down beside him, wedging into what little space there was, and shrugs. “They got a pretty bad thunderstorm one year when I was here. The stump we’re sitting on used to have this huge, old oak tree. It couldn’t withstand the storm and fell over. Got my fort clean through the roof.”

“And you never rebuilt it?”

Clay smiles. “Nah. I was like 14, going through that phase where you think it’s super uncool to have a fort in the woods.”

Justin nods, but he doesn’t understand. The summer he was 14, his mom’s boyfriend caused a spiral fracture in his arm and he watched his mom overdose in the chair in the living room while he was trying to do his summer work. 

He thinks Clay forgets that sometimes. That they didn’t have the same upbringing, that Justin would’ve given anything to be able to go to his grandparents in the countryside and build forts in the woods with his grandfather, even when he was 14.

“Come on, if we walk through here a little further, there’s a stream.”

Justin gets up, reluctantly following Clay through the overgrown weeds and pricker bushes, wincing when they snag against his skin.

And then he hears the water flowing over the rocks, the way the leaves cast the sunlight against the water, and he thinks maybe he feels at peace.

“When I used to get really anxious, I would make my way down here. I’d skip rocks or watch the water flow over the rocks and branches that had fallen, and it would calm me down,” Clay says quietly, handing Justin a rock. “Maybe it will help you?”

“‘m not anxious right now,” Justin mumbles, but Clay gives him a look and he relents. “It’s not as bad as it was in the car. I didn’t have a reason to be anxious about your grandparents hating me,” He shrugs.

“They're making your favorite dinner. Mom told them you love roast chicken, and Grandma loves making it.”

Justin stares at the water, chewing on his lip. “I don’t want them to treat me different to how they treat you. I just want… I don’t know. You know I don’t like attention.”

Clay tosses the rock into the water, watching it splash. “I know you don’t like attention like this. But I also think you need to give them this one night. This is the first time they’re meeting you, and they’re excited to have another grandson.”

Justin tosses his own rock, bending down to pick up another. “But it’s not just you. You have cousins.”

Clay glances towards Justin. “Yeah, but this is different,” He tries. “I will tell them that after tonight, the rest of the trip needs to be like normal, and I think it’ll settle down once the rest of the family gets here tomorrow. But you have to let them get to know you, too. I think this is a time where you need to come out of your comfort zone. Let yourself be spoiled a little bit.”

Justin tosses his rock, wincing when it lands with a loud thud. “I can try,” He compromises, wiping his hands on his shorts. “We should probably go back before it gets too late.”

Clay nods, tossing his own rock before turning back, leading Justin through the woods.

Matt and Lainie are sitting on the back porch when they get back, Lainie taking a sip of wine as she smiles. “Oh, Justin, did you meet some pricker bushes on your way back?” She sighs, glancing at Justin’s legs, which were scraped and bleeding.

Justin looks down, shrugging. “They don’t hurt. I’ll clean them up and it’ll be fine.”

She nods, looking between both of her boys. “Did you have a good time exploring?”

“It was cool, yeah,” Justin smiles. “There’s so many places to explore.”

“You could spend the week doing that,” Matt smiles. “Dinner is almost ready, why don’t you both go wash up?”

Clay and Justin nod, walking back through the back door and into the bathroom, Justin carefully cleaning off his legs. 

When Clay leads most of the conversation at dinner to talk about how school is going and their upcoming transition to college, Justin is grateful. He interjects when needed, not wanting to come off as rude.

“I’m happy to be going to Sanderson. It’ll be good for me to be home, and having Matt on campus will be nice,” He smiles. “Hopefully I’ll figure out what I want to do with my future, too.”

“You’ll figure that out,” His grandfather smiles. “It took Matt almost two years to decide he wanted to major in English Literature. You have plenty of time to figure it out. No use rushing it.”

“It took you almost two years?” Justin asks, looking back to Matt.

Matt smiles, swallowing his bite. “While I wasn’t going to admit that, yes, it did,” He smiles, looking at his dad. 

“I thought you would’ve always known you wanted to do English Literature,” Clay says.

“Originally I thought about being pre-med.”

“Science wasn’t his thing, we were all a little perplexed by his choice,” Their grandmother teases, smiling at her son. “But he figured it out, and you two will, too.”

Justin nods, relief flowing through him as he listens to more stories about Matt’s childhood. For as daunting as the day once seemed, he thinks maybe this week will really be the best thing for him.

—

Justin doesn’t think he’s ever heard it as quiet as it is as he sits on the front porch after dinner, grateful for a moment alone while Clay showers and Matt and Lainie settle in to their room.

He looks out at the yard in front of him, a car passing by every so often, and takes a deep breath.

His anxiety is still living just at the bottom of the surface, but after getting through meeting his grandparents for the first time and enjoying dinner and hearing more about Matt’s childhood, he feels better. 

He knows he won’t do something to ruin that.

He doesn’t hear the screen door open, but turns when there’s footsteps on the creaky hardwood and his grandmother is walking outside. “Do you mind if I join you?”

Justin smiles, leaning back in the rocking chair. “Not at all,” He manages to say, looking at her as she sits down in the chair beside him.

She doesn’t talk at first, rocking gently as she looks out at the yard in front of her. The last of the sun sets across the horizon, and for a moment Justin thinks he could stay here forever.

“When Matt first called to say that they were adopting a child, I didn’t know what to think,” She begins, staring straight ahead. “And then he said it was a teenager, that you were Clay’s age, and I think it made a little bit more sense.”

“I don’t know much about your upbringing. Matt didn’t say much, and honey, it’s not our place to pry. You have your own past that doesn’t need to be explained. But I want you to know that this family is always here to support you whenever you need it. We don’t judge you for your past, or for anything that you need help with now, or in the future.”

Justin nods, digging his hands into the arms of the chair. “You guys are like, the nicest family I could’ve ever asked for,” He smiles, glancing back at her. “I’m grateful to be part of this family, for Matt and Lainie adopting me when I needed it the most.”

“Matt mentioned you were homeless for a little while. That you were going through a really challenging time, and they were worried that if they didn’t step in, you would get yourself into more trouble.”

Justin nods. He’s silent for a moment, heart racing slightly, and then stares straight ahead. “My mom was — or still is — a drug addict,” He says quietly. “She has been my whole life, and I didn’t know my dad. Just her boyfriends or husbands that she would bring home. And most of them were — they weren’t very nice people. I ran away because I thought it would be safer than staying.”

He doesn’t know why he feels comfortable telling her this. She’s a virtual stranger, but one that was now his grandmother. He didn’t want to scare her or make her feel like she should judge him now. But he doesn’t think she’d be like that, and so the information he kept so close to his heart came spilling out.

“I don’t tell people this because I’m afraid it gives them a reason to look at me different. The person I was when I lived with my mom, I’m — I’m not that person anymore. I don’t want that to define me,” He explains. “But I — I still carry a lot of that with me. I still worry that because of how I cope with what happened to me, that I come off as rude. And I’ve never had grandparents before, or aunts and uncles, and I just — I’m worried that you all will perceive me as ungrateful to have this extended family, or ungrateful to be here.”

His grandmother is silent for a moment. She’s rocking, the wood creaking against the old porch, and Justin just barely figures out how to relax after admitting all of that.

“Of all the things I’ve come to know about you since you arrived this afternoon, and even from what Matt told me before we formally met, I’ve never once thought you were ungrateful,” She says quietly. “I imagine it’s very difficult to meet all these new people who are technically your family, especially if you haven’t had a family like this before.”

Justin nods, letting out a breath.

“Matthew will tell you this, but I am a firm believe that your past does not define your future. You’re 17, Justin. No one has it all together at 17, much less when they’re my age. You can make mistakes and regret choices you’ve made, but if you’re growing from those mistakes, why should you be punished any more than you already have been?”

“I’ve made some really big mistakes though,” Justin mumbles. “And sometimes I don’t think I’ll ever get out from under them.”

“Have you told Matt and Lainie this?”

Justin shakes his head. “They know I work really hard with therapy and working through my past, but I haven’t told them that.”

Eleanor nods. She’s silent for a moment, turning back to watch as the stars become more prevalent, the sun almost gone. “When Matt was 17, he wanted to go to a party. Your grandfather and I told him no, that we didn’t want him out that late and there would be other parties,” She begins. “He didn’t like that, and snuck out and took the car to go to his friends. He crashed the car on his way there, broke his leg and had a concussion, but most of all, had a lot of explaining to do.”

“That moment could have been a lot worse. He could have been seriously injured, or he could have seriously injured someone else should he have made it to the party and drove home drunk. I’m not saying that Matt had poor judgement like that all the time, but we don’t know what would’ve happened.”

Nodding, Justin looks over. “But he’s a college professor now, so everything worked out,” He says quietly. “He’s never told me that story.”

“Because it doesn’t define him, sweetheart,” She smiles. “I don’t think he’s intentionally not told you about that, I think he just hasn’t said anything because it’s just part of his past. We make mistakes, we learn from them, and it gets better.”

Justin nods. “I think it’ll get easier. I know with time I’ll do better.”

“You will,” She agrees. “But for now, you don’t owe any of us any explanation of your past and any mistakes that you made. You don’t owe anyone an explanation as to why you need time alone, or why you’re quiet in the midst of a family party. Your grandfather and I understand that this is a lot for you, and it’s going to take time. You can have all the time you need.”

Justin smiles, relaxing slightly.

“For what it’s worth, I get that this is daunting. But you are our grandson, and your grandfather and I love you for everything that we know about you. You don’t need to tell us anything more or do anything to make us love you.”

Justin chews on the corner of his lip. “Thank you.”

His grandmother nods, standing up and pressing a kiss to his head. “I’ll leave you alone. Goodnight, sweetheart.”

“Goodnight,” He mumbles, watching as she walks back in the house.

He stays out until the sun is completely gone, staring at the stars and listening to the crickets chirp, feeling wholly at peace for the first time since they arrived.

—

The rest of the week is full of ebbs and flows. When it’s just the six of them, Justin feels okay. He’s learning to share more, talked a little bit about good times in his childhood, and busies himself with helping with meals or cleaning up after.

He and Clay explore more of the property, spending most of their time down by the creek when their cousins arrive and it all gets to be a little bit too much.

Justin meets his Aunt Noelle and Uncle Kevin and their families, and falls in love with the fact that their kids are younger than Clay and beg the two of them to watch animated movies with them in the evening.

He’s overwhelmed by the attention on him and the questions that they ask, although their harmless. Lainie and Matt both step in when needed, reminding their siblings and in-laws that Justin is used to being with a few people at a time, and not many questions being asked. Justin’s grateful, but in an effort to push himself out of his comfort zone, he answers as many questions he feels he can handle.

By the end of the week, he’s almost sad to leave. He takes his time packing his bag, says his goodbyes to Matt’s siblings and their families on the front porch, and then moves to say goodbye to his grandparents.

“You’re welcome any time you’d like,” Eleanor smiles, hugging him. “If you ever need a break, just convince Matt to bring you out here.”

“I will, thank you,” Justin smiles, moving to hug his grandfather as well.

Lainie walks beside him as they walk back to the car, squeezing his arm. “Feel okay?”

“Yeah,” He nods, smiling. “Thank you for pushing me to do this. I think… I think it was good for me.”

“I think so, too,” She nods, sliding into the front seat as he climbs into the backseat.

He falls asleep on the way home, grateful that he has the extended family he realizes he’s always wanted.

It would keep getting better, that much he was sure of. And having all these people supporting him will only make things easier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i felt like we needed to see him meet his extended family as well :)
> 
> thank you guys so much for reading/commenting/leaving kudos! 
> 
> see you in a few days! :)
> 
> <3 <3 <3


	24. Dog.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Justin and Clay make the push to get a family dog, and Matt and Lainie have a hard time not giving in.

There were moments where raising Clay and Justin felt like raising five year olds.

Most of the time Justin and Clay were self-sufficient. They did their homework, got to school on time, kept their grades at a respectable point, and came to them if they needed help. 

Then there were the moments where Lainie couldn’t help but be filled with worry. They were growing up so fast, they were hiding things, it was becoming physically impossible to protect them from the cruel parts of the world Lainie always hoped she’d be able to shield them from.

And then there were the times where the questions from both boys were overwhelming, as if they’re both little kids and they were back to following her around the house asking questions that were aimed to get on her nerves. 

Namely, if they could get a family dog. 

To the boys’ credit, they did come up with a list of reasons as to why a family dog would be good for them. They promised to feed it, take care of it, and go on more walks than they ever had before. They threatened to make a presentation as to why this would be a good idea, but were always stopped by Lainie’s firm no.

They couldn’t handle a dog, they didn’t have time to raise it or train it or put in the time a puppy takes, both boys were going to college in a few months, and frankly, Lainie couldn’t fathom putting all the responsibility on her. 

Matt was a little easier to break down, holding up his hands at both of his sons and their relentless tactics, but shook his head. “I’ll talk to your mother about it, but I make no promises. She’s been firm on her word, and you have to admit that her argument is pretty accurate for reasons why we can’t and shouldn’t get a dog, at least not right now.”

“One of her arguments was that we’re going to leave next year, and then it’d be you and her that are stuck with it,” Justin argues, leaning against the wall in the entryway to Matt’s home office. “But I’m going to Sanderson, which means I’ll be here. So I’ll be able to keep taking care of the dog while I’m living at home.”

“Justin,” Matt sighs, looking back to his son. “I appreciate your argument, and while I know that you will stick to your word, a dog is a lot of work. And you’re going to be starting in college, which means the workload may be more than it is now. Adding a puppy to take care of on top of that would be a lot of work, and could lead to stress we’ve been trying to avoid.” 

“I’d make sure to make time for it!” Justin argues. “I think a puppy would be really good for me and Clay.”

“He’s right, it would probably help us be more responsible,” Clay adds, smiling.

“Boys,” Matt sighs. “We’re not talking about this anymore. I will talk to Mom about it, but don’t get your hopes up,” He says, looking to both of them. “Go finish your homework before Mom finds out you’ve been in here trying to pull me to your side.”

Both boys nod, turning and leaving the office to make their way back to finishing their homework.

Matt finishes up his work, researching dogs and the best way to get his wife to agree.

—

“Are you a firm no on the dog still?” Matt asks, washing his face as they get ready for bed that night.

Lainie looks at him through the mirror, sighing. “You can’t be serious. Did they pull you to their side?”

Matt laughs, following his wife out of the bathroom and towards their bed. “They’ve made some strong arguments in their favor separately to me, but I’ve also done some research.”

“What kind of research?” She asks, pulling back the comforter. “Matt, you can’t be serious.”

“There’s emotional support dogs,” He continues, climbing in and reaching for his glasses and book. “I’m not saying it’d be perfect, but I looked into the benefits of having one. It could really help Clay with his anxiety and even depression, and there were plenty of cases where an emotional support animal has helped victims of abuse, which would be excellent for Justin.”

Lainie’s silent for a moment. “Emotional support dogs are most likely not puppies.”

“No, most likely not. In our case, we would have to find one that is trained to help with anxiety and depression, maybe even PTSD if we felt that would be beneficial. Which wouldn’t be impossible, but makes the circumstances much likelier that we would have a dog fully trained, and we wouldn’t be the ones doing the training.”

Sighing, Lainie looks to her husband. “How far did this research go?”

Matt bites back a smile, shaking his head. “There’s a center in Oakland that specializes in the adoption of emotional support dogs that are ready to help with anxiety and depression. They’re almost ready to be adopted, if we wanted to look into it further.”

“They really did wear you down, didn’t they?”

“They did,” Matt smirks. “But the emotional support aspect was all me, and I think it’s worth you giving it a second thought. I don’t think that’s even crossed their minds.”

“It definitely hasn’t,” She smiles. “If it had, we would’ve had a 45 minute presentation on the positive effects an emotional support dog would have on the two of them.”

Matt smiles, opening his book. “Then we better not give them any ideas,” He says quietly, turning to focus on his book.

—

Understandably, Justin and Clay both look on edge when Matt and Lainie ask if they can talk in the living room after dinner. Lainie assures them that it’s a good thing, that she thinks they’ll both be excited about what they want to tell them.

“Your father and I have been talking extensively about your pleas to get a dog,” Lainie begins, glancing at her husband. “While we know that you two have volunteered to take care of this hypothetical dog, that no responsibility will fall on the two of us, we were apprehensive about agreeing to this.”

Both boys nod, looking back between Matt and Lainie.

“I did more research into what it would mean to have a dog,” Matt continues, looking at their boys. “While having a puppy would be hard to train and focus on when you two are finishing up high school, I did find a program that I think could work, and somehow got your mother to agree to at least explore the option further.”

He holds his hand out, forcing the boys to calm down when they get a little excited. “There’s a shelter in Oakland who specialize in training dogs that are equipped to help with depression and anxiety. We’re not saying this is a guarantee, but your mom and I are agreeing to go to the shelter to look into what it would mean to adopt a dog that is already trained and would be able to help the both of you.”

Clay sits up excitedly, smiling. “So when would we be able to go look at the dogs?” He asks, turning back to Justin. “Obviously that would help both of us a lot, and it will help Justin when he’s here and I’m at Brown next year.”

“It would be good for me to have a puppy who would know how to help when you guys aren’t here or can’t help me for some reason,” Justin says, looking back to them. “Can we go look soon?”

“This weekend,” Lainie sighs, leaning back. “But boys, this is by no means an agreement to us getting a dog. We’re going to look more into the program, and then we’ll decide for sure what we’re going to do. Please don’t get your hopes up that this is us saying we’re absolutely going to do that.”

Both of them nod, disappearing back into the outhouse to go look up the shelter and the dogs that would be available.

—

Cooper, a golden retriever who’s almost fully grown, runs directly towards Justin when they arrive at the shelter. Lainie watches as Justin moves to sit on the floor, laughing as the puppy jumps and climbs all over him.

Clay bends down to sit beside his brother, the two of them laughing and petting the dog. Matt speaks with one of the trainers, who informs them that Cooper is almost one and would specialize in anxiety and depression.

Lainie eyes are transfixed on the scene before them, chewing on her lip as Matt pulls her against his side. “You okay?”

“I thought I’d be able to say no,” She whispers, watching Justin as he leans back to let Cooper run around him. “I thought I would be able to be strong, to tell them that getting a dog just wasn’t feasible right now, but look at them,” She sighs, staring at both of their boys.

“Do you think Justin already looks more relaxed?” Matt asks quietly. “Clay, too, but especially Justin.”

“I do,” Lainie nods. “Which is why it’s going to be impossible for me to say no to this.”

Matt smiles, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. “Are we really going to do this?”

Lainie takes a breath, smiling as both boys laugh. “We are,” She nods, hugging Matt before he turns to go back to talk to the trainers.

—

Cooper spends six more weeks at the shelter finishing the last of his training. Clay and Justin take their new role seriously, spending more money than Lainie would’ve liked at the pet store to make sure they had everything he would need when he finally got to come home. 

They picked him up as early as possible on a Saturday morning, and the car ride home was spent with Cooper stretched across both boys in the back seat, Justin staring out the window as he mindlessly pet Cooper’s head.

“This is not always going to be fun, you both know that, right? Dogs are a lot of hard work,” She says, glancing back at both boys. “I don’t want you to get bored of this in a few weeks and then leave it to your father and I.”

“Mom, we know,” Clay promises, turning to look at her. “We’re not going to stop taking care of him in a few weeks.”

Lainie nods, turning back to look at her husband. “I know, it’s just a reminder,” She says, smiling.

Clay and Justin take Cooper on a walk the minute they get home, giving Matt and Lainie a minute alone in the house. “I still have this horrible feeling that we’ve made the wrong decision.”

Matt turns back, amused. “I don’t think we did at all. Justin was pretty on edge this morning, and he said he was feeling a little anxious. Cooper seems to have slightly calmed him down already. This could only mean good things for the future if it’s already helping an hour in.”

Lainie nods in agreement, leaning back against the counter. “It’s just going to take some getting used to,” She decides, busying herself with getting dinner started.

—

As it turns out, getting Cooper is the best decision they could have made. Both boys are happier than they have been in a long time, and the responsibility and discipline it brought to both of them was more than both Matt and Lainie could have ever imagined.

They take turns walking Cooper early in the morning, and both go together in the afternoon after school. Through one of Clay’s depressive episodes, Cooper was right there, firmly on the bed with Clay as he slept and took his meds, supporting him as he worked through the down days.

Cooper helped Justin’s anxiety in more ways than Lainie ever thought he could. As Justin navigated through therapy and spoke through the sexual abuse he endured as a child, Cooper was a welcomed face when he arrived home. He helped Justin through anxiety attacks, Justin religiously petting him as he slowly calmed down.

Cooper was there for the boys when Matt and Lainie couldn’t be, and Lainie found herself more grateful than she ever thought she could. To see both of her boys stepping up, to see them thriving in situations where she used to have so many sleepless nights worrying about getting them through those days, was more than she ever could have hoped for.

It was bringing out the best in all of them.

As Clay begins to pack and get ready to leave for college, Cooper senses the change. He clings a little closer to Clay as he packs, laying at his feet as he sorts through his clothes and puts what he thinks he’s going to need into the suitcase. Justin watches, smiling, and looks back to his brother.

“Can you believe we actually convinced them to get us Cooper?” He asks. “We actually have a dog.”

“I really didn’t think we’d ever see the day,” Clay smirks. “He’s going to help you a lot once you’re home without me.”

“I know,” Justin smiles. “We’re going to have the best time, aren’t we, buddy?” He asks, looking at Cooper.

Clay moves his suitcase, laying down on his bed and patting for Cooper to jump up.

“I’ll be home before you know it, buddy. You won’t be alone with Justin for long,” He promises. “Just a few months, and then you and I will be back together.”  
“We’ll be fine until then, buddy,” Justin smiles, standing up and going to sit on the edge of Clay’s bed. “We’ll get each other through it, right?”

Cooper nudges his head towards Justin, Justin smiling.

Matt and Lainie watch the interactions from afar most days, and even when the moments are hard and they wish they hadn’t gone through with this, they both know it’s changed their families for the better.

Cooper has made their boys happier, and in the end, that’s all they could really ask for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys for reading/commenting/leaving kudos! 
> 
> after this one, there will be one more! :( i think i'll post it wednesday, and then start posting the new chaptered fic maybe friday or saturday? the new fic is plot-based, so no more one-shots for now :) but i think i'll leave this open in case inspiration strikes!
> 
> see you guys in a few days <3 <3 <3


	25. Senior Week.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Justin and Clay go on senior week

Senior week felt like a right of passage for all kids, a way to unwind after finally making it through high school and graduating.

Clay and Justin had been planning theirs with their group of friends, Dr. Ellman recommending that it would be good for both of them to go. Clay was excited, constantly thinking of things they could do while at the beach as a group, but Justin was more apprehensive.

“I just don’t think it would be good for me,” He insists, pushing his vegetables around his plate. “Can’t I just stay home and Clay can go?”

“You can stay home,” Lainie nods, nudging Justins arm in an effort to get him to eat something. “But why don’t you think it would be good for you?”

Under normal circumstances, Lainie wouldn’t question Justin’s apprehension. He’s spent a majority of the last few months focused on his sobriety, and just spent four days in the hospital with pneumonia after collapsing at prom. She thinks that warrants him being worried or having no desire to go.

But this doesn’t feel like apprehension because he’s still not feeling back to his normal self. This feels different, and she thinks maybe right now confronting it head on is what’s going to get him to open up to them.

“There’s going to be alcohol,” He mumbles, staring at his plate.

“Alcohol isn’t a trigger for you,” Matt says softly.

“But if I drink, then I might let my guard down and want to do drugs,” He explains, shaking his head. “I still don’t feel well anyway. I got out of the hospital last week.”

Lainie reaches over, resting her hand against his forehead. “You still feel a little warm. You may still have the slightest of fevers, just as you did this morning. But your doctor advised that you’d be fine to go on senior week as long as you don’t push yourself too hard and finish your antibiotics while you’re gone, and your cough sounds much better.”

“You know none of our friends are going to bring drugs, right?” Clay steps in, looking at his brother. “And there’s going to be a bunch of us there, they’re not going to let you do something that you shouldn’t be doing.”

Justin sighs. “I’ve been able to isolate myself before to get high.”

“We know that now, though. We’re not going to let you do something that you’ll regret. I’ll make sure you don’t do something you’ll regret.”

“You should all get to have fun without worrying about me or what I’m going to do.”

Lainie leans forward. “No one is forcing you to go if you really don’t want to. But I think you need to think about why it is that you don’t want to go, because I don’t think you’re worried about alcohol triggering you or isolating yourself away from your friends.”

Justin nods, shoving a forkful of vegetables in his mouth. The table is silent for a moment, and then Clay goes back to talking about their plans for the week with their friends, hoping it’ll sway Justin to just come with them.

—

Reluctantly, Justin spends the evening packing. Clay’s bag is by the door, ready to go for the following morning when Zach picked them up, but Justin put it off until the last minute.

Lainie comes to check on him, worried at how long he had been gone. She smiles when she sees him folding clothes and putting them in his bag that’s resting on his bed.

“You doing okay?” She asks, walking in to sit on Clay’s bed. “Feeling okay?”

“Yeah,” Justin mumbles, turning back to his dresser and pulling out another t-shirt.

“Can we talk more about why you don’t want to go? Just me and you, Matt and Clay are in the house picking out what movies he should bring.”

Tossing his bag on the ground, Justin turns to sit on his bed, facing Lainie. “It’s stupid.”

Lainie tilts her head, sighing. “It’s not stupid if it’s how you feel.”

Justin turns to lay back against his pillows. He coughs, and then turns to look up at the ceiling. “If I wasn’t adopted, I wouldn’t be going on senior week,” He mumbles. “If I was still with my mom, we wouldn’t have had the money to pay for the house to rent, and a week away would’ve been hard for me not knowing if she was okay. This is just… it’s just another thing I don’t deserve since I became part of your family. I don’t deserve to do things like this just because I got out of my situation.”

He doesn’t realize Lainie moved to his bed until it dips beside him, her hand hovering just above his. “Just because it wouldn’t have been possible in your old situation doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve it now,” She reminds him. “Love, I know it’s really hard for you to let go of your past, and you know how proud we are of working through this in therapy, but punishing yourself by not enjoying things you can do now is not moving forward.”

Justin flips his hand over, letting her take it. “I just feel so guilty about being happy to be able to do this. To have these opportunities.”

“Growth isn’t comfortable,” She says carefully, squeezing his hand. “Sometimes it feels wrong and you feel guilty for pushing past what’s happened to you before. You’ve gone through this period so many times with so many things, but this is another step.”

“Feeling free to do things that wouldn’t have been possible is difficult. I know this has been what you struggled with the most, and I know that my words don’t make it any better,” She smiles, looking at him. “But I have seen you push through those moments that made you feel uncomfortable and guilty, and I’ve seen you feel more free than you had before when you came out on the other side. I want you to feel that all the time.”

Justin sucks in a breath. “Sometimes it just feels like an endless loop,” He admits quietly. “And I feel like if I just tell myself I can’t go on senior week or I do something that doesn’t make me feel as guilty, then the loop will stop. I’ll finally feel like I’m free from the past.”

“But you know that’s not true, right?” Lainie asks. “You know that stopping the progress doesn’t end the loop. It just stalls it.”

Justin nods. “I know,” He whispers. “And I don’t want to stall things, either.”

Lainie nods, squeezing his hand and reaching forward to brush her fingers through his hair. “I’ll make you a compromise,” She says quietly. “You go on senior week tomorrow with your friends and your brother. Your make the most of it, you let yourself have fun and laugh and make the memories that you’re supposed to make, all while being safe,” She smirks, earning a laugh from her youngest. “And if in a few days you still feel like this or you don’t feel well or you just want to come home for no reason at all, I’ll come get you.”

Justin turns to look at her. “You will?”

Lainie nods. “Yes, but I need you to give it two days,” She says. “And I need you to try to have fun. Do you think you can do that?”

Justin nods, smiling. “I think I can, yeah,” He says quietly, sitting up to hug her. “I love you.”

It had been months since Justin started openly saying he loved them, a reminder of the progress he made there, too. Lainie smiles, squeezing him against her chest. “I love you, too,” She whispers, kissing his head. “You’re going to be okay.”

Justin nods against her shoulder, willing himself to believe that.

—

Justin lets himself go the minute he steps onto the sand.

Lainie’s words ring through his mind, and he pushes himself to relax, telling himself that he deserves this. He watches Zach and Jess run down to the waters edge, Alex walk slowly through the sand with Tyler, and tells himself that this is how it’s meant to be.

He was meant to be here right now, making memories with his best friends who he survived high school right now.

“Come on, let’s go to the water,” Clay says, smiling beside him as Ani catches up. “Tony’s making dinner with Caleb, so we have some time.”

Justin looks back to his brother, smiling. “Okay, yeah,” He nods, walking beside he and Ani to join their friends.

He laughs at Jess and Zach inching further into the water their clothes, Jess’ laughter growing louder when Zach falls in. Alex sits along the waters edge with Tyler, the two of them talking quietly as Justin sits with Clay and Ani.

He breathes in the fresh air, leans back on his elbows and listens to the waves crashing against the shore, and fully lives in the moment.

He thinks this is what Lainie meant by letting himself have fun and make memories, and listens to his friends laughter surrounding him.

“You okay?” Clay asks, turning to look at him.

Justin parts his eyes, nodding. “I think… I think I’m just happy.”

Clay’s shoulders relax, a smile spreading across his face. “Me too,” He nods, turning back to look at the beach in front of them.

—

Dinner is centered around a big table looking over the ocean through the picture windows, the sun hazy against the horizon. Justin squeezes into a chair in between Clay and Jess, laughing as Tony serves everyone and Alex makes a snide remark about dinner. He looks around the table, thinking back to the last two years and everything this friend group has survived together.

Justin didn’t think he’d get here. He thought by now he would’ve been homeless, or dead. He definitely never saw himself graduating high school and going to college at the end of the summer. Senior week was never a thought that crossed his mind.

All he can think about is how grateful he is. To have this group of friends to survive these stories with, to have a support group that is always there for him whenever he needs it. To have a brother who pushes him out of his comfort zone more now than ever before.

Jess grabs his arm, smiling as she rests her head against his shoulder. “We did it. We graduated high school.”

Justin leans his head on top of hers, cheek pressed to her hair. “We did,” He whispers, looking around the room. “We fucking made it, can you believe that?” He laughs.

“I didn’t think it was possible half the time,” He sighs. “If you would’ve told me a year ago we’d all be sitting here around this table at the beach celebrating the fact that we graduated high school and we’re going to college, I would’ve told you you were insane.”

“Me too,” Jess smiles, lifting her head. “But I’m really glad that we made it here.”

Justin nods, digging into his dinner as everyone else does, and soaks in every conversation he can muster.

—

Charlie arrives halfway through the trip after his last day of school armed with sweet treats. He presses a kiss to Alex’s lips quickly, smiling as he says hello to everyone else.

“I hope I haven’t missed too much,” He smiles, setting his things down. “Some of us had to finish out the school year before we could have some fun.”

“You’ll get your moment in a few years,” Tony smiles, opening the container of cookies and taking one.

After Charlie settles in they make their way down to the beach, where Justin spends most of the time tossing a football back and forth with Charlie and Zach. They talk about football the following year, Charlie teasing Zach for transitioning into coach.

“All it means is that if you annoy me, I’m going to make you regret it,” Zach shrugs, tossing the football back to Charlie. “But I guess I’ll also make sure you don’t get killed being an idiot and going against the plays we call.”

Charlie shrugs, lofting the ball to Justin. “What about you? You going to come back and coach?”

Justin shrugs, tossing the ball to Zach, moving in an endless circle. “I don’t know,” He says. “I don’t think I’d be any good at coaching, and Kerba didn’t ask me back.”

“You know if you wanted to coach he’d have you back, right?” Zach asks. “Even if it’s just helping with a group or a few days a week, it could be good for you.”

Justin rolls his eyes. “You successfully brought me back to the team a few years ago, why are you trying to convince yourself of this now?”

Charlie and Zach share a glance. “Your brother is going to move across the country at the end of the summer. All of us are going to college, but you’re going to be an only child for the first time in a while, and for the first time ever with Matt and Lainie,” Zach explains. “It’d be good for you to have something so you don’t pull away from us.”

Justin makes a face. “I’m not going to pull away from you guys,” He argues, throwing the ball a little harder in Zach’s direction. “I’ll think about coaching. It could be fun, I guess.”

“It would be fun,” Charlie smiles. “And you’ve helped me learn the plays when I was starting quarterback. You’d be good at it.”

Justin nods, tossing the ball back. “I’m going in the ocean,” He declares, running to the waters edge towards Clay as both boys chase after him.

—

Lainie checks in every day for the rest of the week.

For the most part, Justin is honest. He really is having a good time, laughing with his friends and spending long hours on the beach or by the fire pit, Jess pressed to his side.

He tries not to think about things changing in a few months, that these moments won’t be as frequent, in fear that it’ll just make him upset. He knows his friend group will withstand the distance, that they will have moments like these on breaks or when someone is home.

The distance won’t be permanent.

But then there are the nights where sleep doesn’t come. Justin opts to share a room with Zach, who passes out almost immediately after his head hits the pillow. Justin stares at the ceiling for a while, listening to the waves crash against the shore, and thinks about how he doesn’t deserve this so much that he wonders if telling Lainie he wants to come home in the middle of the night is appropriate.

He never goes through with it, despite the numerous texts to Lainie he typed out and then deleted.

On the final evening, when the moon shines brightly over the water and sleep alludes Justin once more, he creeps his way out of bed and out onto the deck, looking out onto the horizon one final time at night before they leave the following morning.

He doesn’t hear the back door open, but suddenly Clay is joining him, pulling his sweatshirt around his body. “You okay? Still feel okay?”

“Yeah, fine,” He nods, coughing into his sleeve. He feels Clay’s eyes on him, and pulls the blanket tighter around him for good measure.

Clay nods, looking back out over the ocean. They’re silent for a moment, Clay chewing on his lips as he tries to form his thoughts. “Do you ever think about where you and I were two years ago?”

Justin tilts his head to look at him, smiling. “Sometimes,” He laughs. “We were really awful to each other.”

“We had our reasons,” Clay smirks. “We’ve come a long way since then.”

“Enemies to literal brothers,” Justin laughs.

There’s a beat of silence, and Clay turns to look back at the waves. “I’m glad you’re my brother,” He says quietly, pulling his legs closer to him. “Out of everyone in our friend group, I couldn’t imagine my brother not being you.”

“I’m glad, too,” Justin says quietly.

“I wouldn’t have gotten through last year without you,” Clay breathes. “I wouldn’t have been able to get through the mental breakdown or the hallucinations, or anything else we managed to survive. You were… you made it easier to get through. You were the rock I knew was always there when I needed it.”

Justin smiles. “I wouldn’t be alive without you,” He reminds him. “You pulled me off the street, you gave me a home, you got me clean. Clay, you gave me _parents_. Getting you through the last year was the least I could do to make it up to you for everything you’ve done for me.”

Clay smiles, pushing his head back against the chair. “We saved each other.”

“We did,” Justin nods. “Things are going to change when you leave in August.”

“They don’t have to change completely,” Clay replies quietly. “We can still talk every day, and if one of us needs the other, you know we’ll be there for each other. We’re just not going to be sharing the outhouse. We’ll be apart.”

“And a three-hour time difference,” Justin reminds him.

“Irrelevant. If you need me, then you call me. I don’t really care if it’s the middle of the night.”

“Your roommate —“

“Will learn to deal with it,” Clay finishes.

Justin nods. “You can call me, too, you know. Even if it’s the middle of the night for me.”

“Okay,” Clay nods. “We’ll figure out this whole college thing.”

“We have the whole summer to figure it out,” Justin reminds him, smiling.

Clay reaches his hand out, smiling when Justin reaches out and takes it. “We always have each other.”

Justin squeezes, nodding. “Always,” He whispers, turning back to look at the ocean.

Clay lets the moment linger for a moment, and then makes a move to stand. “Come on, Mom and Dad would be mad if you got worse again because we spent the night on the deck when it was cold.”

Justin laughs, standing up. He follows his brother back into the house, sitting down on the sofa. “Want to sleep out here with me?” He asks quietly, surprised when Clay obliges, sitting on the opposite sofa.

Justin tosses him a blanket, curling up under his own. “Clay?”

“Hm?”

“I love you.”

Clay parts his eyes, looking back to his brother. “I love you, too,” He whispers, burying himself further into the pillows.

Justin drifts off to sleep easier that night, and the next morning as they pack up the car to go back home, he’s grateful that he was pushed to go on this trip.

It was better than he could’ve imagined.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and we're done! for now!!
> 
> the pneumonia mention is in place of Justin being diagnosed with HIV in the show ;)
> 
> i have a strong feeling i'll pop in every now and then with another one-shot because even just last night i thought of another idea, but for now i'm going to say it ends at 25 chapters and then just adjust as i post!
> 
> more importantly, new chaptered fic on Friday! i'm very excited to post it (minus the fact that it has no title or summary yet), and i hope you guys like it as much as i've been loving writing it!
> 
> thank you guys for all the support on this fic. when i first started posting, i never thought i would have this kind of support. it makes me so happy that you guys liked these as much as i did :)
> 
> thank youuu <3 <3 <3

**Author's Note:**

> after putting off writing any fic for 13RW for far too long, i've spent my days in quarantine writing and am finally going to post :) 
> 
> there's not really going to be a posting schedule/i don't know how many of these i'll do, but i do have a list and have a few others written! they'll mostly be centered around the Jensen family in this one, but other friends may pop up here and there. i'll also add more tags as i go if you have any you're dying to see you can let me know :)
> 
> also, most will be canon compliant, but we are for SURE ignoring the s4 ending :)
> 
> you can follow me on tumblr [here](https://peter-covinskys.tumblr.com/) if you want :)


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